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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL holiday plans - long rant

139 replies

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:07

My SIL is leaving her 8yr ds at her parents for 8 weeks in the summer. My mil isn't able to look after children & my fil has his own activities and work (both are wonderful btw).

We're going for 10 days & will have to look after her ds as well as our 5 kids (one is a baby). The rest of the hols other family will be there for sometime, he'll be on his own with pil for awhile & then at nearly the end of August sil arrives for a week & a bit.

We planned to visit pil when we'd not have to look after other kids (as she's done this before). Sil hasn't spoken to us to ask us if we'd be able to look after her ds or even to acknowledge the efforts we'll make.

I was so looking forward to a troublefree holiday & just hate how she just expects that me & dh will do her job for her. We can't change our plans as it's all booked & also we want our kids to spend time with their grandparents.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 14:30

And even if your sil is being selfish by putting on her parents, you sound very resentful to the poor little boy, its not his fault, you cant even bring yourself to call him your 'dn' you keep refering to him as you 'sil ds'

If your pil have agreed to have him stay then he is their guest and there is nothing you can do about it, put up with it or book a holiday somewhere else, your not resposible for him, stop playing the martar and get on with it.

Roskva · 05/06/2008 14:39

sorry, couldn't resist sticking my oar in here. I understand your feelings, cupsoftea, my db takes advantage of gets lots of support especially childcare from my parents, but then he lives next door to them and I live miles away. And no, I'm not being catty, even my mum admits that she doesn't see my db unless he needs something, and did he call in to see her last week when dad was away on business, no. Having said that, db's new partner shows a lot more consideration for my parents than db does.

Firstly, I find it strange that your SIL can't find the time to spend some of the summer hols with her parents and son. Secondly, as she can obviously afford to have a lovely time, then I would have thought that she can afford to provide some help to you PILs at least, eg some activities for her son, someone to come in a couple of times a week to clean/do the washing, and maybe pay the difference for you to rent another car/a bigger car if she expects (she doesn't need to ask to expect) you to help entertain her son.

Having said that, I would not exclude my db's dcs, or his step-dcs, from anything I was doing, but I would expect him to contribute to extra costs, and to show his face occasionally. An extra child is extra responsiblity, especially where there is an unfenced pool involved.

DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 14:39

agree VT.
You have aholiday that you would not otherwise have.
You need to be the one making compromises.

Katiekitty · 05/06/2008 14:41

Just reading through this and have to side with Cupsoftea feeling put upon: even though I don't have five children, I can imagine that one more - a child that you haven't planned to be looking after for the duration of your 10 day holiday - that extra child would make a world of difference.

It's not your child, it has a different routine, a whole different way of living to your own and being expected to look after him, watch him, entertain him, it is taking the p* on the sil's part. She is going on a holiday of her own (am I correct? is it a holiday or is it work that's taking her away, not sure), Cupsoftea is taking her family on their holiday, she shouldn't have to make new plans to accommodate someone else. I feel quite strongly about this.

Especially about the independence question - in my opinion, the sil isn't independant as she is simply passing on her responsibilities to someone else, without proper provision. In my book, independance is someone who leads their own life while also taking care of the detail that enables their independance. I mean, 8 weeks - it's a long period of time to go off and do your own thing.

And Barnstaple, I am stunned by your reply: 'squeeze up'? what, without car seats or seat belts? 'put things on your lap' - not very safe, is it, maybe cups should plonk her baby on her lap and rucksacks on everyone's knees? Cupsoftea's family should have more of a 'family feel' - what? like the sil, who is leaving her child with pil for 8 weeks - not very family minded in my book. 'Learn from this' - what, learn how to not say 'no' and how to fit in with everyone else's plans and not your own? That might suit you barnstaple, but I think you're actually jealous of cupsoftea's own independence here - she is taking her entire family on the holiday, not leaving anyone behind. maybe you could 'learn from' her and you could be a bit more 'generous' with your thoughts? Maybe... or maybe not.

cheeset · 05/06/2008 14:51

Isn't if funny how each of us look at things?

That SIL has a lot to answer for.

Katiekitty · 05/06/2008 15:16

It is indeed Cheeset! It makes the world go round!

How you doing cupsoftea? still fuming? Did you let off some steam with a bit of trolley rage at the supermarket?

clam · 05/06/2008 15:18

Why is cupsoftea accused of being jealous of her SIL, just because she objects to being taken advantage of? Why can she not just be pissed off about it?

And Vinegartits, the PILs are NOT looking after their grandson - completely, anyway.

And to all those people who keep harping on about the fact that this is a "freebie" holiday, was it ever laid down that "bring your DCs for a free holiday with their grandparents, but in payback, you have to look after one of their other grandchildren." Any "debt" re: the free holiday would surely be owed to the PILs, not the SIL.

VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 15:25

In barnstables defence, she wasnt telling the OP to 'squeeze' up to fit in another dc, she was giving her own experience of what they did when she spent time with her family when she was a child. Cant see why you have singled out barnsie, katiekitty, her post didnt come across as jealously to me

As for the op, she is getting a free holiday in the sun at her pil's house (abiet paying for flights and transfers of course) if her mil i so ill and unable to have kids around then maybe she should think about going somewhere else on holiday instead of lumping her broad on her pil for 10 whole days. Plus her sil in not here to defend herself so this is all very one-sided on the op's part and imo she come across as resentful and jealous.

VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 15:28

sorry barnsie, should say barnstaple

clam · 05/06/2008 15:35

Cupsoftea is not "dumping her brood" on the PILs, though. She and her DH are there too, taking responsibility for them - unlike the SIL. And, by the sounds of it, cooking, cleaning and helping the Pils out too - unlike the SIL.
If she sounded resentful (although I don't think she does) there'd be some justification for it. As for jealousy, as I said just now, WHY? SIL is behaving thoughtlessly and cups is fed up about it - not unreasonably, in my view.

Katiekitty · 05/06/2008 15:41

I know, I shouldn't have singled out Barnstaple, it just got me all riled up that everything she said was putting the op down and telling her to effectively put up with it and have a jolly old time and to somehow get a better family from it. I just find it interesting that the op is supposed to just (in the eyes of the sil), put up with this. And also, I find it totally jaw-dropping that she is taking off for 8 weeks (8 whole weeks!) I still want to know where she is going and what she'll be doing... apologies if its been said already.

Mind if I lay into you now VT? The op is there for just 10 days, the sil's child is there for a lot longer - at least the op is going with her dcs, so she can help look after them while they get to see their gps. WHat's worse? 8 weeks with no parental help or 10 days with 2 parents there? Maybe you're the sil in question?!
What do you think the op is jealous of incedentally?

VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 15:47

Sorry to be pedantic but i said 'lumping' not 'dumping', sounds to me like the mil is not fit enough to have small children around the house, regardless of whether the parents are there or not.

Cupsoftea has not been given, or asked to take responsibility of her dn, her sil has asked her parents to care for him, and it is my assumption the the sil is a single parent who will be working, while her ds is at the pil's, am i right? but like i said the sil is not here to defend herself, so i for one am not going to jump on the band wagon and call her a bad parent when i dont know the whole story.

Roskva · 05/06/2008 16:14

VT, some people don't ask, they just assume. Asking implies some consideration for others, which cupsoftea's SIL clearly doesn't have.

clam · 05/06/2008 16:15

Who's calling her a bad parent?
lumping/dumping (shrug emoticon)- splitting hairs on such a minor issue is the last resort of someone whose argument is floundering!

clam · 05/06/2008 16:19

And the thing is, no, we don't know the SIL's side of it, but the AIBU threads wouldn't get very far if we all abstained from adding our two penn'orth on the grounds that we don't know the full story. We have to contribute according to the info we're given. And most times there are plenty of people putting the other side of it.

VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 16:32

Not my argument clam, tis my opinion, and im just giving it like everybody else, because you disagree with me doesnt mean i am arguing with you

Katiekitty · 05/06/2008 16:34

That's the beauty of AIBU, Clam put it well. We get to hear other people's side of things and sometimes it makes us see the error of our ways and others, it lets us know we're in the right.

I'd love to hear the sil justification for her leaving her child for 8 weeks... if you're out there, lady, I dare you to enter this thread!

DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 16:38

MAybe SIL thinks it will be better for her son to spend the Summer hols with his grandparents and his aunts/ Uncles / cousins, than to be stuck at home alone with big brother/ baby sitter whilst she is going out to work?
At 8 yrs old he could be sensible enought to be trusted around a small pool, I know my DS is.
I am glad I am not cupofteas SIL!
Cup of tea sounds to me like her nose is out of joint cos her holiday is not what she planned. No one is askin her to cook/ clean / look after nephew, if she wants to be the martyr, crack on.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 16:50

thought lots in the supermarket & school collection...

barnstaple - what a horrid post lol so awful Would you like to talk to sil for me?

vinigar tits - I didn't know there was a dn short form so just called him sil ds. We're going to pil not to freeload but to ensure our kids know their grandparents, also look after mil and so that my dh can spend sometime with his parents - he worries about their health - both my parents have passed away.

KKitty - very good point about independence of sil. She'll be working but shorter hours & for week evenings she'll do her social activities & the weekends are her own. She does have a 16yr ds but he'll be doing his own thing completely.

roskva - good thinking on sil organizing help or activities - she wont think of this but I will say this when I next see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 16:51

clam & kk - I'd love to know sil side of things!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 16:52

DBluff - I'm not being a martyr as I'll be doing household tasks in anycase - as is to be accepted when you stay with people

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 17:02

Thinking on it - it's seems to be a prob with sil selfishness & pil doing what she wants even though they should really say no to kids on their own staying (part of) summer with them. Perhaps after this summer sil will see what it's like for pil as she'll be there for a few days by herself with pil & ds - no one extra to help her!!!

When I next see her - don't know when this will be I'll suggest to her next time she should have activities/childcare organized and some cleaning help sorted.

We'll do everything really lovely for sil ds and I hope it will be ok when we're not there.

We are getting free accomodation for 10 days and we will help pil as much as possible. fil might go away for a few days as we can look after mil. We are lucky to have a holiday this way. I don't want to seem ungrateful as I know many people can't have a holiday. Last year we didn't go away.

OP posts:
clam · 05/06/2008 17:04

DoubleBluff - I don't see cupsoftea acting the martyr. She could perfecty well have "the holiday she planned" if she was the selfish type some seem to be implying. However, she doesn't like to see DN left out of treats and outings, and he has been upset bout this in the past, yet his own mother hasn't considered it.

DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 17:07

I just think it is off to come on here implyimg that her sis in law is lazy and selfish, when we don't know the full facts.

clam · 05/06/2008 17:08

By the way, is money the issue with regard to SIL possibly contributing towards a bigger/extra car? Coz am wondering (nosey), if he's got 8 weeks' holiday, if that means he's at a private school? And if money's not the issue, what is?