To of lost it with DH

[HP200]

So back story DH and I both work him 5 days and me 4, we both get up at the same time. DH gets up and goes straight to work I do washing, walk dogs, tidy, kids lunch boxes etc and we walk in the door in the evening within 5 mins of each other. My ‘day’ off extra I go food shopping and do the house work and often move this day around to attend appointments for my SEN child.
DH loads the dishwasher and I do maybe 95% of cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing.
i was late home last night due to a hospital appointment and DH was cooking and had the hump so asked what was up, apparently I didn’t thank him for putting the bins out for me the day before. This is the second time in 7 years he has done this so I have done it every single other week. I pointed out in that case he owes me hundreds of thank yous and he doesn’t get a round of applause for actually doing something that is not ‘my job’ and he lives here too. I was then told I was moody and nasty so we spent the night in silence- AIBU for my response as he texted this morning to say that I was?

It is snobbery to a, not read it and b, to point out because of grammar errors this is why they will not read it. She thinks she is better than the OP.

It is such a clear case of snobbery! You do know snobbery means that a person thinks they are better than others, be it social class, education and wealth yeah?
She thinks she's better than the OP, amusingly so after making her own error too.

By the way, the OP said she has dyslexia. So some folk pointing it out 'every single time' is just not useful and I don't think for a second she doesn't 'give a shit' or being stubborn.

I agree 💯💯💯. There's no point getting irate with him because it solves nothing. Probably if she divorces him, she will be poorer and worse off.

Hurrah ! Thanks for saying what I wanted to.

If people don't read posts without perfect SPAG titles or posts they aren't getting a full view of life

It really isn't. Has it occurred to you that perhaps people who struggle to process things visually might have problems reading it themselves? A massive wall of text with no punctuation, paragraphs or capital letters is horrible to try to read, and more often than not that's what's lurking behind a thread title like this. I'm certainly not going to waste my time looking at three screens' worth of word soup and neither should anyone else have to. That's why people don't click on thread titles like that, it's nothing to do with snobbery.

There's really no excuse for making this error. Everyone knows it's "have", it's pointed out every single time someone does it.

Lol, the poster didn't struggle, she was using it as a lecture! Come on, any other straws you want to grasp here?!

I don’t think it is something to lose it over.
my DH and I say thank you all the time for everything we do around the house.
maybe he’d like that sort of relationship

it’s fair that if he expects thank yous for what he does, he should give thank yous for what you do. Your point that you’re owed thank yous is a good one,

It may seem silly to many to do this but my DH and I grew up in abusupive households where everything we did was mocked or triggered a beating. So for us, we are balancing that out with expressions of appreciation and positivity.

Well said you! Just because someone made an error, or struggles or even just doesn't know doesn't mean that they don't have something to say.

I just wish that people who have an issue with grammar moved on, rather than used it as a chance to be snobby, lecture or pass judgement. It's being mean for the sake of it.

He should be doing his fair share of the work of household chores AND his half of childcare (assuming the children are both of yours) every day, as a matter of course. If he works longer hours than you do (and/or if one of you has extra responsibilities outside of the house like school, caring for an unwell relative, a longer commute, etc.) factor that in. You may end up doing more than half of the work in a typical week (because of having that extra day off from your job) but NO WAY is it reasonable for you to be doing 95%!!! It comes across like he thinks he is more important or his time is more valuable than yours. That's wrong.

List out and divide up all the responsibilities together and then agree on how to split them up fairly - no nagging, no reminding, each person does their tasks and asks for help when needed. Then thank each other when one of you does something on the other person's list in order to help out in a pinch.

Using the phrase repeatedly for the next few days should nip it in the bud. I fed the kids for you, darling. I went to Tesco for you, walked the dog for you, cleaned the bathroom for you, etc. Ugh.

Instead of apologising just stop needing to require thanking in the first place.

It's not that difficult ffs.

I don’t directly ask for a pat on the head. It’s more subtle…eg when DW gets home i might say “I always forget how much noise a Dyson makes”. I haven’t stated that i’ve hoovered an insignificant area of the house…however i expect a compliment to follow. Men are weird.

Please explain why.

You think that’s subtle?? That level of passive aggressive roundabout telling me you’d done some housework and thought you deserved praise (this last bit is lit up in neon lights, subtle my arse) would drive me totally crazy. The absolute last thing I would do is thank you, it wouldn’t be possible. I’d probably suggest if you vacuumed more often, say like actually enough to have a clean house, you’d get used to the noise.

Men aren't weird. You're just an idiot. Stop blaming it on being a man.

You are about as subtle as a brick.

"it's amazing how much that washing machine fits in!"

""Wow, has the dishwasher finished already! I have only just put it on it seems like"

"Goodness, that kitchen spray smells lovely, doesn't it!"

There you go, some more unsubtle phrases for your poor wife to hear.

Hopefully you will then say "Ouch, that copper pan really hurts when it's slung at my forehead"

YANBU

You need to have a serious conversation with him to ensure all responsibilities — childcare, school runs, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. — are shared equally. Doing a bit more on your non-working day is fine, but not everything.

Make it clear that if you divorced, he’d be managing all of it alone.

When ex-DH and I split, the only extra task I gained was taking the bins out — I’d been doing everything else for years and was unappreciated. Don’t let that happen to you.

So I went full sarcastic last night and spent the day writing every single job I did and the time it took I then presented him the list when he arrived home. I explained that if a 3 minute job (the bins) was a thank you my 6 hours worth of jobs in one day need additional appreciation and praise- he was bewildered and confused.
Today he has actually got on with a house DIY job outstanding since February and cleaned up after himself - thinking a sticker might be called for 😂

A gold star 🌟 sticker 😆

Good for you! Now stick that list front and centre on the fridge as a daily reminder.

I don't understand how he can be bewildered and confused? Is he completely thick?

Well done op. You might have to set up a reward chart for him!

Does she say, "Oh, do it twice a day so you don't forget then."

Well done for getting him told, OP! Lazy, unappreciative men need a strong dose of reality.

Good for you.
He's a loser though.

It is perfectly understandable why it happens. For lots of people the spoken contraction "to've" sounds as "to of". Add dyslexia to the mix and pointing it out repeatedly can make very little difference. I am sure this has been pointed out to you, more than once too.

What bewildered and confused him? The fact that you had made a list? Or the sheer number of tasks on there that you do (which presumably for some reason he hadn't realised you do, or was happy pretending he didn't realise you do)? Either way, he's either pretty dim or he knows full well that you do loads more than him and he's fine with that, because secretly he thinks it's all 'women's work'. My money is on the latter, because nobody is that thick.