To of lost it with DH

[HP200]

So back story DH and I both work him 5 days and me 4, we both get up at the same time. DH gets up and goes straight to work I do washing, walk dogs, tidy, kids lunch boxes etc and we walk in the door in the evening within 5 mins of each other. My ‘day’ off extra I go food shopping and do the house work and often move this day around to attend appointments for my SEN child.
DH loads the dishwasher and I do maybe 95% of cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing.
i was late home last night due to a hospital appointment and DH was cooking and had the hump so asked what was up, apparently I didn’t thank him for putting the bins out for me the day before. This is the second time in 7 years he has done this so I have done it every single other week. I pointed out in that case he owes me hundreds of thank yous and he doesn’t get a round of applause for actually doing something that is not ‘my job’ and he lives here too. I was then told I was moody and nasty so we spent the night in silence- AIBU for my response as he texted this morning to say that I was?

You are not responsible for his emotions, remember that. Articulate your boundaries (‘I am not responsible for keeping this family alive and functioning on my own. It is a shared responsibility.’) Maybe split the jobs.

But stick to your boundaries and remember, he needs to deal with his own feelings and not make you responsible for them.

I really struggle to feel sympathy for women who run themselves ragged every morning and tolerate husbands who just "get up and go" to work. No bloody wonder he feels entitled. Stand up for yourself and make your husband step up and bloody contribute to the family he created!

I don't know why or how you've drifted into doing basically everything.
Treat him like the child he is and put a sticker on his chart. Now he's been a big boy and handled taking out a bin that's 50% filled with his own rubbish, he's shown he's ready for more responsibility. Like 50% of all of it.

Read: Fair Play: Share the mental load, rebalance your relationship and transform your life by Eve Rodsky. It's currently £3.49 on Kindle.

YANBU at all, asking for a thank you would have absolutely enraged me.
Tell him you won't be doing everything in the house anymore and he will need to start pulling him weight. That's not nasty at all. If he claims it is, that's because he's a lazy shit using your "nastiness" as an excuse to continue doing nothing.
You have to start making it awkward for him to do nothing. No clean work wear, have meals before he is home etc. Until he starts sharing the load, you don't share it either.

Oh and thumbs up the message calling you nasty.

My reply would be ‘since I’m owed several thousand thanks I will no longer take the bins out until we are even, nor will I thank you until I feel a tiny bit appreciated. Also, please book a day off where you will complete the activities I do on my day off, so I can have an actual day off like you think I do. You have had it so good in this family, all you needed to do is appreciate me a tiny little bit and you can’t do that. Does your mum know you want me to throw a party for you taking the bins out twice in several years and leaving me to do it every single week for the rest of those years?’ What kind of role model are you for our dc? Don’t you want them to be decent partners?’

because I’d declare war, I’m not a house slave, dh is not a god or superior being, and I do not deserve to be treated like one.

Why are you doing all this stuff for him? He’s an adult. Split the chores between you.

My DH and I got into a similar thing when he pulled me up for not saying thank you for doing something. I then pulled him up for never thanking me for the over thousand times I had wrestled getting the super king size duvet into the duvet cover when I changed the bed. He genuinely looked shocked and it really did the trick.

Hold on.. he put the bins out “for you” ? This proper grinds my gears.. they are household bins which I’m sure he uses too, I assume he loads “your dishwasher” as well? he needs to get the fuck outta here with the “for you” .... you were right to comment!

Even that guy manges to blame his mother for 'not teaching him' not to be a selfish arsehole!! 😡

I know. It's infuriating. Why do they live like this, and why is the bar for men so low?
OP - you have facilitated this, for some reason you've become the domestic martyr. I don't know if anything can change, or it's too fat gone.
Have some self respect and talk to him about the home and responsibilities. I doubt it'll have an impact, though.

Or "helping", as in "I helped you with the..."

He’s in the same category as men who want a thanks for “babysitting” their own kids!!!! I assume he creates mess and eats so only right he should take the bins out and cook. Arsehole (him not you!!)

Who gets the most free time? It’s not about who does what exactly, it’s about a fair split of time. If he’s working 5 days in a job then coming home and relaxing while you’re working 4 days in a job and taking on household and family chores that keep you working longer hours than he does just doing his job then that is clearly unfair.

I would have thanked him for putting the bins out, because I thank my husband for doing chores. The difference being that my husband thanks me for doing chores. He works more hours than I do and I do more of the household stuff, but we’re both really busy and try to help each other as much as possible because we’re a team.

OP, you are a total mug.

Ha, same here.

Stop propping his life up and demand respect for yourself. How on earth did you sleep walk into this situation? Come on op, you know you worth more than this.

Time to start sarcastic clapping every time he does something. Does he really want a medal for doing a tiny job? What the hell is his problem?

I don't get this 'taking out the bins' as an achievement... not really a 'job' is it? Unless you live in a stately home with a long drive. More something you do quickly between several other bigger jobs ; an afterthought on a Sunday night. It's like when my neighbour told me she had hosted her family for the whole of Christmas. I asked if she'd had any help and she told me her son had made the gravy!! Wow! now you're really spoiling her!

Knob. HTH too.

His problem is that he sees his wife as the person with all the caring and domestic responsibilities. He has either got some regressive gender role ideas or is just a lazy twerp. She has chosen to do it all.
That's become acceptable and habitual in the household. Instead of nipping it in the bud, she's allowed it to happen, just doing everything.

Start demanding more from him. I've been there with my DH, and still have to remind him to do tasks sometimes. I'd complain there was a mess in the kitchen and he'd say he'd emptied the dishwasher or whatever as if that one 5 min job counted against everything I'd been doing / needed doing.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE text this to him NOW

😂😂