To of lost it with DH

[HP200]

So back story DH and I both work him 5 days and me 4, we both get up at the same time. DH gets up and goes straight to work I do washing, walk dogs, tidy, kids lunch boxes etc and we walk in the door in the evening within 5 mins of each other. My ‘day’ off extra I go food shopping and do the house work and often move this day around to attend appointments for my SEN child.
DH loads the dishwasher and I do maybe 95% of cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing.
i was late home last night due to a hospital appointment and DH was cooking and had the hump so asked what was up, apparently I didn’t thank him for putting the bins out for me the day before. This is the second time in 7 years he has done this so I have done it every single other week. I pointed out in that case he owes me hundreds of thank yous and he doesn’t get a round of applause for actually doing something that is not ‘my job’ and he lives here too. I was then told I was moody and nasty so we spent the night in silence- AIBU for my response as he texted this morning to say that I was?

Yabu for letting it get to the situation where the housework was so unequal that him taking the bins out is seen as need for thank

How many children have you inflicted this totally selfish loser on?
What is the point of him?
How can you stand living with such an arse?

Obviously, YANBU.

However, ‘winning’ the argument won’t make him want to change and do more so you need to think more strategically if you want him to step up and be very calm and measured. Don’t get irritated.

Tell him you do appreciate his support and can he ‘help you’ work out a fair distribution of tasks around the house. If he thinks you’re still taking full responsibility, he’s more likely to engage at this point.

Sit him down, get two pieces of paper and say ask him to write down in list order all the tasks he currently does and that you’ll do the same.

He’ll probably include all sorts of pointless stuff but don’t get annoyed at this point. Play the game and pretend it’s all fine.

Next ask him to score the items on the list from 1 - 3 with 1 being daily tasks, 2 for weekly and 3 for occasional.

If he’s a basically decent bloke, the visual list of tasks that you are currently responsible for on a daily basis should open his eyes at what he’s been happily ignoring. Some men really need these things spelling out to them. That doesn’t matter providing he finally figures it out.

Ask him to go away and review the 2 lists and come back later with suggestions about what he would change. He’ll feel ambushed if you try and hammer out a deal immediately and some men take time go process the situation. My DH is brilliant these days and totally pulls his weight but we’ve been together over 20 years and it’s been a long process and not an overnight revelation.

If he’s still refusing to engage and making lots of excuses inc. that you work one day less, then you need to think about whether staying together is worth the effort.

This only works if you haven't married a knob.

Yes it is, to refuse to read something because of a grammar error in the title is snobbery.. It's also belittling.

This is social media. This isn't an exam paper where we expect to be graded.

I'm petty so I'd spend the day compiling a list of how many bins I'd put out, beds id changed etc. I would print each one out on a long list so there was reams and reams of paper all round the house. Then I would put his two bin trips next to it.

What a dick.

Excellent!

@HP200how unattractive is your husband, if he expects a bloody fanfare for putting a bin out! Pathetic manchild.
You need to sit him down and tell him a few home truths and get him to bloody get his arse in gear.

Me doing pretty much everything started when he was working away for about a year Monday- Friday so I just got on with everything and wanted ensure weekends were family time not house work so made sure Friday the house was cleaned top to bottom and it’s stayed the same despite him not working away for over a year.

In regards to the grammar unfortunately I am severely dyslexic so even when you point it out I still have no clue the difference 🤷‍♀️

When he returned, why didn't he resume household tasks?

YABU because you've let him do this for years and are only complaining now.

You should have pulled him up years ago, rather than grow a manchild and set a terrible role model for your children to see as 'normal'.

You need to deal with the situation properly for the sake of your kids.

Don't continue to be a doormat.

Personally I would go full sarcasm with this. Write a list of every single household task you have done for the week, and then sit him down whilst you stand up and read out each one. Insist he claps and says thank you after each task is read out. Do it every week until it sinks in how much of an embarrassing knob he is

Excellent, he has done you a huge favour! Through his actions he has shown you that your work while is expected but not valued (don't accept a pat on the head but real action)

Time for a reset so that you aren't the house manager but you are co manager with him and equally responsible for running the house and family.

OP, I would definitely take a moment to think about how you want to use that ‘day off’. In your position I’d be really pissed off too. I would have a think about household job distribution, hand him a few extras and mentally book yourself in a few hours actual downtime once a week on your day off. Also, if you can manage it without having an argument, have a chat with DH about all the stuff you’re doing

did you mean
sorry I couldn’t bring myself TO read your post?
or are mistakes just fine when you’re the one making them? Funny how many people are like that. Hard to respect any of them frankly.

Indicating that things were more 'evenly spread' before he worked away?

Why didn't he get back into the previous routine once he was back from working away at his VERY IMPORTANT JOB?

Suggesting that he knows perfectly well what chores need doing and that he's perfectly aware that he's shirking.

True. But it makes it obvious very quickly if he is one

I’m a man and also seem to require thanking for doing really menial chores! It’s a weird trait and i apologize to DW when i realize i’m being a tw8t.

Does he thank you for everything you've done?

He needs a reality check, this does not sound like a partnership at all. Teamwork should be to support each other and pick up the slack without hesitation. Stop doing everything, he'll soon realise how much you actually do.

the crazy thing is if you mentioned getting a cleaner he wouldn’t agree. I’ve seen people on mn say their partners assume things will get done even if they don’t do them but want them done. They also assign them to their kids but won’t lead by example. Do your kids do much op? Do they help much? A very controlled family meaning where you say when you were in school you never dreamed of being a housemaid needs to ensue but the focus needs to be on him as much

What a pathetic excuse for a man

It’s not snobbery. As the PP rightly points out many people won’t even bother to open the thread, leading to the OP not getting as many views or the advice she may need. Usually a title like that has a wall of text without paragraphs and/or punctuation hiding behind it, and they can be a huge hassle to read and focus on.

I don’t pretend that my grammar or punctuation is perfect, but I don’t understand why people are still making that error when it’s pointed out every single time, other than that they either don’t give a shit about making their post readable (in which case why should anyone care about reading it), or they’re just being stubborn for the sake of it.

Stop doing anything for him.
You are not a team.
Hell, this isn't a marriage.
He's a lazy selfish loser.

No laundry, cooking or shopping.

Rethink your marriage.