Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

And his wedding, there will be tears then too.

I'd not be taking her word for anything given the way she's raised it. Ask your stepson if he wants you there or not and go with his decision. Wouldn't he be getting the tickets and distributing them as he chooses? It's an obvious power play saying she will get the tickets and take your husband to dinner, because he "owes her"? Especially if they're basically non contact, how would that even work over dinner. Sounds like it would be unpleasant and awkward for everyone involved.

Especially as his focus now will be on his exams, not the events that come after it.

he needs things to be calm

As DH’s second wife you’re not objective. You say there was “no reason” for it. But a couple of people who have been the kids in this scenario have posted that they liked having their mum & dad for once.

Not convinced he doesn’t want you there. That sounds like her and she doesn’t want you asking him cos he might invite you anyway.

It wouldn't have been easy no, but better than his mother sending such an unpleasant text. He could have explained to his dad who presumably was unaware of this decision.

If I missed that the dad already knew sorry.

I once stood next to a woman in tears behind a pillar at her daughter’s prom as her marriage had broken up, and her ex husband (who had an affair and forced the sale of the family home) was there with his chest stuck out like father of the year.
Thus stuff is not easy and the kids end up dealing with it.

Sure, he owes her "nothing" but he owes his dad it might have been a good idea to tell him rather than a snarky text from his mother don't you think?

Sure, but this is not that. They're non contact and could work round each others plans, OP says they would have done this. Who is the performative presentation as a couple for and how many times in the future will they be expected to play it out?

DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.

I don't believe its his wishes, and I don't think she has discussed it with him. DH should speak to him and just say he's happy to go along with whatever decision he has made but just want to check with him he doesn't want you there. It the mum that doesn't want you there. If its graduation surely the exams are over by then so why would he be stressed?

Or the op shouldn't have assumed anything?

The wording of the message is very passive aggressive, it sounds more like her wishes than his. The fact that she doesn't want your husband to discuss it with his son is also quite indicative that this is about her.

She sounds a bit deranged to be honest, but maybe I say that because that kind of things reminds of my own mum...
Does she have a tendency for big dramas in public? If so I would take into account the risk/benefit. Ultimately it's about your DSS's day and less about any of you.

In these circumstances, they are many ways to celebrate with him outside of that specific event. Your DH could go to the graduation but skip the dinner, whatever he feels comfortable doing.

It's difficult and I certainly wouldn't let it set a precedent for other big events in your DSS life.

I wouldn't have an issue with the ceremony, I'd be happy to get out of it. I wouldn't expect DH to go to a meal afterwards though if the relationship was that bad and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to!

He is in the middle of exams/prep. The last thing he needs right now is to have to worry about this. If he has asked his mum to let his dad know then that should be his choice. Ideally, obviously, he would feel comfortable enough to talk to his dad, but extreme reactions like this won't have helped that going forward either.
If he genuinely doesn't have a clue about it and wants OP there, then I'm 100% sure he will at least ask why she isn't going, in which case they can explain they thought they were going along with his wishes, but if that's not the case then they can change the arrangements to include her.

I think that your husband needs a conversation with his son. Not to persuade him, to invite you but to find out what his wishes actually are. This text could be based around on what your step-son's Mum wants rather than your step-son - hence why she asked your husband not to discuss it with him. Your husband needs to reassure his son, that whatever he wants, is what will happen, and if he doesn't want you there, then you both will respect his wishes. My honest opinion is that your step-son probably would want you there, but is very much aware his Mum doesn't and therefore doesn't want to upset her and cause issues on the day. It's hurtful, and I completely understand why you're upset. However, would you want to go, knowing your husband's ex, could potentially cause a scene and/or a dreadful atmosphere? It's the step-son who is important here. Sometimes we have to be the bigger person. Arrange to do something special, just the 3 of you afterwards, and let your husband go by himself to the graduation. However, if the Mum has a partner, and is going, that might put a different spin on things....

Op isn't in the UK plenty countries have graduations from secondary. Only children recieving the required grades to get their High school diploma graduating.

This isn't like a nursery graduation which is a glorified leavers ceremony.

I think the lad may well want a little bit of time, with both his parents focused on him. No weird dynamics, no mum upset, no 3rd wheel, just 2 parents and him.

We don’t know what is it as we don’t have the information. The OP certainly hasn’t been encouraging DH to have a good relationship with his ex. They are not a couple, but they are DS’s parents and they always will be. They are there in that capacity.

The mother comes across as very angry, dictating to your DH how this is going to be, and whats with the "you owe me this"? The mother seems fo hold some bitterness and is using the graduation to get one over on you maybe? I personally would step back and accept i'm not going to the graduation, then plan a lovely celebration with DH and DSS for another day

Maybe she is justifiably angry or maybe she isn’t. Either way the resolution isn’t OP turning up to the graduation to cause further tension.

If the lad wants his parents to put on a united front for one flipping day BOTH parents should try.

Give him that, he can have separate parties with extended family but don't make him choose who he goes with for dinner on the day.

What a rubbish place to be, choosing between his actual parents for a meal on one of the most important days of his life.

And people on the thread saying DS owes OP an explanation if he doesn’t want her there. He doesn’t. Kids don’t want to deal with messy step families. They want to feel loved and valued by their parents.

A meal with his mum and dad who are pretty much NC sounds incredibly stressful. Poor DC.

If you are confident that he would want you there, then get a ticket. You could choose to sit discreetly at the back and away from your DH and his ex if that would avoid a scene while meaning you get to watch your DSS graduate. Are there any grandparents or siblings who may want the 4th ticket (or the 3rd ticket as well - if so then you may need to be open to possibility of giving up yours).

I

Not paying for suits and holidays won't be forgotten though

I am not saying she isn't justifiably angry, I just said that she sounds angry,!? And I didn't say the resolution was for OP to turn up, I suggested quite the opposite.