Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

We literally only have one message from the mum which sounds rather controlling and aggro so we have no idea at all what ‘the lad’ wants. But it is telling that the mum says do not talk to him about it. It’s not at all in the tone of a mum trying to protect her son from having to be honest or pretend to the op or from being caught between two sides; which is one explanation for not wanting them to talk to the actual boy.

You are being ridiculous. Crying and taking yourself to bed? Come on now - grow up! Are you used to getting your own way? Is the request not to speak to DSS based on past experience of drama from you?
Please don't create an atmosphere around this event. Let it go. Don't make this about you.
You have lovely things planned, so concentrate on them.
DSS desreves a stress free event with just his parents. Can't you see that?

We don't have all the info, but we agree they're his parents and they're non contact with each other. Going from non contact to attending events together then dinner is just weird. It's cosplaying a relationship that isn't there. Performatively. And who is this for? I'm sure their son has noticed his parents are non contact and OP says she's been with the dad for 10 years. Off topic, why are you blaming OP for the state of his relationship with his ex?

Poor lad.

Currently no-one in this scenario seems to be putting him first.

If you love him, show it by doing that.

Step out of this graciously and remove at least the aspect of his parents rowing over your attendance for him.

You can do whatever other celebrations you want with him.

Of course DH should have a conversation with DSS about what he really wants. Hopefully DH can do this in a way that enables DSS to be completely honest about what he wants.

If he just wants both his parents at the ceremony then that’s ok. Or if he wants any grandparents to go, or you there or not OP then that’s ok too.

It’s very controlling of his ex to tell DH not to speak to his son about what he wants.

A dinner with just his parents might feel awkward, or he might feel more awkward with the three of you. That’s why it’s important it’s what he wants. He may want to celebrate separately with each parent. He may feel conflicted. It’s so difficult for children in this situation.

Totally agree.

One bit of me thinks Dad should casually check with the boy. The other bit of me thinks Op should just accept Mums word - for whatever reason - and just step back for one day.

DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat.

This already sounds quite a lot.

It's possible that if he is busy studying he doesn't want to hear about those just yet.

Although I'd hope that he could tell his dad himself if that were the case.

But as a pp has put, with the reactions it caused, maybe he thought he'd rather not.

If it is his mum making decisions for him that won't go down well when he finds out.

All I said was that she hasn’t encouraged the relationship. I’m not blaming her.

I do think the OP is perhaps invested in DSS to an extent that doesn’t recognise that she isn’t his parent. The DSS “loves” me stuck out to me.

It’s only “cosplaying” if it’s treated like that. You can go out for a once off civil meal with your mutual child and talk about the child and talk about their schooling etc.

Both parents putting on a united front would avoid the lad feeling conflicted.
Son WE are taking you for food after the ceremony.

I can’t think of anything worse than sitting at a table in a restaurant with divorced mum and dad who can’t stand each other, trying to make small talk. Just to placate my bitter mum.

I also can’t think of anything sadder than forcing my XH to socialise with me and forcing him to leave his wife out by weaponising the fact we are both related to the same kid.

I would ignore what the ex says and speak to DSS. I would also get your dh to speak to the school about getting tickets

The only thing that matters here is what your dss wants. Ask him, and then respect his wishes.

I get that this is upsetting for you as you have been in DSS life for 10 years. But, kindly, this is not about you.

Also, we don't know the circumstances of the mum and dad splitting. If you were the other woman, then that changes everything and I completely understand why the mum would not want you there. Even if you were not the other woman, I think you need to accept that as close as you are to DSS, you are not his mum. He has a mum and at occasions such as this it is a celebration for both parents.

I have divorced parents and step parents and myself and my siblings all had graduation ceremonies. They were very very awkward to navigate. My parents would never argue and embarrass myself and siblings but they did not get on and the occasions ended up being not about us children, but managing our parents. At my graduation, one parent didn't attend because the other parent insisted the step parent came. At another graduation both parents and step parents came and the children were sat in the middle with the adults either end not talking.

What I'm trying to say is please step back and allow his parents to enjoy this moment and your DSS to enjoy his moment. You say that you have lots of other celebrations planned so you can still be a part of it all. Your DH shouldn't be livid. He should accept that he has had a life before you and that involves parenting a child with someone else.

You should say to the kid once this is what your mother has said. Is this right? If this is what you want, then I will absolutely abide by it. But just wanted to check, and then if it is what he wants. Then just get on with it. you have to put him first

Ask DSS what he wants. I suspect it’s a stress free graduation from school. With great respect I think you’re making this about you. In the end he has two parents and you’re not one of them. Let it go.

YABU. I refused to have my stepdad at my graduation as it was just so hurtful for my poor dad. My mum was upset but there we go. You are not the parent, just let it go.

At 18, surely your DSS is capable of deciding who he wants there? He doesn’t need his mother to speak for him at that age

Yes, they will know who they WANT there, but my experience of 18yo (several, and different personalities), is that it’s still incredibly easy to railroad them. That’s why I’ve got objections to them doing military service, becoming parents and 1001 other things at that age. They are not actual full adults and when push comes to shove you can push them quite easily.

I think the wording of the mum is telling, it is ‘owed to her’, that’s what it’s all about, not about what the son WANTS.

Pretty shocked many here have expressed they have been limited to 2 tickets. Also, clarifying OP’s case there is 4 tickets, so that’s no impediment. I’m not in UK but my experience across several different schools is 4 tickets max to allow for sibling attendance. We always needed more and negotiated with other families to take their ‘spare’ tickets (paying of course where necessary and working with any seating coordinators to adjust).

All of the posters telling the OP that he has two parents and she’s not one of them etc etc - do you feel her financially supporting the lad through uni and with a house deposit is over stepping, or is this part absolutely fine with you? I don’t see anyone complaining about that part.

In what world does a parent think they can dictate to another parent what they discuss with their dc?

id just make sure ds knows any plans have to be his call & that you’ll support his wishes

It’s October, his exams aren’t until the summer, he can have a conversation about graduation.

If I were the DF in this, I’d frame it to the DSS as something like ‘Been having a chat with your mum about the graduation arrangements. How about we celebrate with just your mum and me on the day and do something nice with Samui afterwards - would you like that?’ And see what the DSS says. If he pushes back and says ‘oh, I’d actually really like Samui there on the day - please can she come too?’ then you’ve got your answer and you’ll know the DM was trying it on. But if he accepts that plan (which he might, as the most drama-free option) then OP will have to step aside and take herself off for a nice spa day or something.

In other words, I’d try and make the choice as easy for DSS as possible so he doesn’t feel any guilt about just wanting his own parents there.

Hes only just finishing school.

Uni funding hasn't started yet. House could be 5 or more years away.

If Op and her DH split over the next 5 years would she still hand over money to fund the boy or his house?

OP this NOT about YOU and do not ruin it for others.
Do not spoil the occasion by being a ME, ME, ME person - for goodness sake!

Graduation from school is not really a thing in the UK. I would just let it go.

I think a lot of people think this a actual graduation from uni. It isn’t.