Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Your DH was livid and you took yourself off to bed in tears. With those reactions it would be difficult for your DSS to broach the subject.

I would love to hear the ex wife's perspective.

I have also been in this situation with divorced parents. Some if the dynamics were really hard to manage. I can imagine a dozen scenarios where I wouldnt want step parents there, when I was in my late teens.

It might not even be about you at all. It might be that she doesnt want her Mum's partner there.

I think you need to step back and see the bigger picture. Your SS is on the cusp of adult life, as an adult he will be to choose how often and the circumstances where you are invited into his life. Paying for formal suits and holidays will be forgotten but how you and your DH respond to stuff like this won't be.

It’s not about the OP. A child with two parents of which OP is not one is graduating from school. It’s not about what is “should” be for OP, it’s about what is best for DSS. And having his mother fuming at his step mother’s presence isn’t what is best for him.

This isn't your day. It's DSS day. Given the relationship DH and his ex have it's not going to be relaxed for DS to be juggling between his lone mum and you two. You can take him out for dinner the next day. You are being so unreasonable. I say this as a step mother.

It should be about what he wants not you, all your op was all about you

In your normal life you may not be like that but that ia the way the op come across

Initial reactions can often be OTT, but agree it doesn’t seem like two people who should be engaging in a conversation with DSS about this. A lot of heightened emotion all around with all the adults thinking about what they are entitled to.

And I would also love to hear ex-wife’s side.

Truthfully , yes I think Yabu. You said that you and dh have been talking about rough plans for the day. So there was an assumption made that you would be attending the ceremony, despite graduation type events typically being for parents.
I doubt his mum would feel comfortable sat at the ceremony like a third wheel with you and dh. Yes, the day is about dss and none of you, but an awkward atmosphere would impact him.
I wouldn't assume this is all coming from the ex. Dss will be closer to his mum than he is to you and she could easily be advocating for him about this occasion.
If Dh and ex have been very low contact for years, dss may appreciate an occasion where, just for once his parents put their differences aside to do something together, for him.

You are not his mother. End of.

Husband should have a light and breezy chat with his son to see what he wants to do. I wouldn't rely on her telling the truth! If he says he doesn't want you there, then dial back your future support. It could be he doesn't know mum's said this, and wants you to come!

Well, unless DSS dad actually talks to him he won’t know just how “upset” he is or has been about the forthcoming graduation etc. DSS is 18 and an adult not a 5 year old just about to graduate from nursery and embarking on attending school (apologies if I’m a bit off point with ages there b7t I’m an old bird)

Why is everyone allowing this woman to pull all the strings and take control in this way? There’s 4 tickets for the ceremony, book your own ticket and go celebrate, you’ve earned that right for being in his life for so many years but do get DH to communicate with his son, that’s the only way to determine the actual truth about this event.

I agree it’s prob not his decision and his mum may well be the driving force behind the exclusion - but - I would say you need to step back and let it wash over you right now.

We’re also in Aus and my daughter is about to sit her external exams. She has a number of post-exam plans as well involving school events, including going away with her friends for schoolies but right now 100% of her focus is the exams. If I ask her about any of the various events she looks distracted and stressed so I’ve stopped.

Your DSS needs everything to be calm and stable while he studies and gets through the academic stuff, not get put in the midst of parental rows. Longer term, you don’t want his memory of this pre-exam period of being his parents arguing over graduation and him getting stuck in the middle.

Maybe after his last exam, tell him you’d have loved to have gone but you appreciate it’s complicated. I think you’re right to feel as you do though.

It’s not ticket master, you can’t just book a ticket to a child’s graduation.

DSS is a young adult so why not trust him to bring it up, instead of bringing it up and putting pressure on him to say he wants SM there.

She’s not “this woman”, she’s DSS’
mother. You don’t “earn a right” to a child by marrying their parent.

At my daughters graduation her step mum kind of invited herself although she didn’t come into the ceremony as limited tickets . She got out a comb started brushing my daughters hair, we went out for dinner and they paid . I felt like the aunt . She has no children and been in their lives for 3 years by then my dp been living with her for 10 years but didn’t go .

I had stepparents, whom I was very fond of, but I didn’t want them at family events like this. I found the dynamics between my separated parents plus new partners massively stressful to deal with, even when they were on best behaviour. My stepfather was always better at stepping back and giving us space than my step mother was, and I appreciated him all the more for that. There are some times when you just want your actual mum and dad. It’s very very hard to come out and say so, though. Especially if people are clearly upset. Don’t make his day a day about you. Celebrate separately.

The kid is 18 - I’m not sure why the adults are calling the shots; he chooses which 4 people come

that said, if dss was at all concerned about there being an “atmosphere” I’d drop it. It’s not really a big deal.

“I felt like the aunt” is huge to me. Being a supportive step parent is great, acting as if being a step parent is akin to being an actual parent isn’t.

I think your DSS should have had the courtesy to tell you himself if he doesn't want you there.

If he's "graduating" he should have the words to express why, not least it you've been contributing positively to his upbringing and further education.

All the constant suggestions that DH just talk to DS, it should be about what DS wants etc clearly over look the pressure that conversation would put on DSS.

The day is about DSS.

But given the response (DH 'livid' and OP off to bed in tears) can you not see why he would have found that a difficult conversation to have?

I think there is something off about your OP something quite over emotional and controlling.

There’s lots of talk about you and dh planning for ds’s future. What was the care like growing up? Was it shared equally or did one parent do the lions share? Were you and dh the primary carers? Who was nagging him to revise?

DSS doesn’t owe OP anything. He didn’t marry her, his father did. He had no say in it. OP investing time etc in DSS while he was a child was her choice. Again, not DSS’s choice. She cant use it to pressure him.

Your DH needs to have a conversation with his DS to see who he wants to attend his college leavers ceremony. (You don’t graduate from college, that’s university). At 18 he is old enough to decide for himself.

If you are that upset that you have had to take yourself off to bed, then brace yourself for his real graduation if he decides to go to Uni. Those are strictly 2 tickets per family.

Is there a middle ground here ? So perhaps DH chats to DS and says - " your mum said you want just me and her at the ceremony and the meal. Happy to do whatever you want for the day of course, but checking would you like to do anything with Samui as well or would you prefer to do that another time?" This was DH gently checks that DS is on board with the plan too.

Or, which is what my DP did, for his DS graduation. He went to ceremony with his ex and there was some lunch thing laid on by the uni. He then did not attend the subsequent drinks and meal with ex and her family. He said he'd celebrate another time with DS. There's no reason for DH to have an awkward meal with ex and I dont think it would be fun for DS either !

Too much pressure being put on DS. Lots of people who have been through this as kids have posted that they didn’t want the tension of dealing with the dynamics of step parents at these types of events.

This.
Children of divorced parents have so much stress and tension around events that are supposed to be happy; graduations, weddings etc. Don’t add to it, just be relaxed and happy for your DSS.
Poor lad, he’s in the middle of it and it’s not his fault.

I think you should stay away. The milestone is theirs as his parents and it seems that is what he wants and is probably frightened of causing offence. Could you arrange something for later on or the next day to celebrate with him? You sound very overinvolved saying you’re busy planning his future. That isn’t your place. That is for his parents.