Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

The message was shitty. Designed to hurt. That says an awful lot about her.

However, if only two tickets are available, then his mum and dad take those.

What you do is meet them afterwards, celebrate hugely with your dad in every other way.

Don’t put your cloud on this celebration for him. It’s not his fault there are only two tickets per family, if that’s the case.

This is about dss and his big hurrah and you can contribute hugely to that.

I think it’s up to the DSS. She can’t ban your DH from discussing it with him. He needs to have a quiet chat making it clear that it’s absolutely his decision to make and you will understand if he’d rather avoid any awkwardness by keeping you away. I suspect it’s his mum who’s creating the awkwardness though.

This. 18 years ago DSS was born to two parents. Graduating school is part of his life journey to be celebrated with his parents. It isn’t about his dad’s subsequent wife.

I think the language “parent” in “step parent” is misleading. Marrying a man doesn’t make you his child’s parent.

I think step parents are in a difficult position as they can be expected to give with no expectations but it is what you sign up for to at least sone extent.

If you love this boy, let it be about him. If his mother is upset it will have an impact on him.

Sorry. I saw this.

I would still bow out. Not want to add to any atmosphere or drama.

This really is the time for you to step up to your full height, not go running off to bed in tears. You wait in the background, acknowledge what at b*h his real mother is in her choice of words, and take any pressure off that poor lad. He has enough going on in his life without a load of surly adults milling around in the background, promising him the earth, when he is hardly off the starting blocks. Let him call his own shots and back off all of you. It is his life. He will tell you what he needs.

There’s probably more to this I.e why they don’t get on. Kindly you are not his parent. Maybe he only needs his parents there as that’s what his friends may be doing? This day is about ss I would let it go.

Whilst I can understand why it’s upsetting, I would take a step back in this situation. If your presence may cause friction, I would not attend. Having been a child whose parents divorced, every important milestone in my life (graduation, wedding, births) has been marred by the issues around partners attendance. It was never about me and all about them. The anxiety and worry it causes the child is unnecessary and unfair.

Whatever DSS wants is what should happen
Both you, OP, and his mother should suck that up, whatever it is

If I were you, OP, I would ask DSS what he wants, explaining clearly and with NO MALICE OR PASSIVE AGGESSIVE SHIT, that whatever he wants is fine by you

If he wants just Dad and Mum there because otherwise it might be awkward for him, because Mum is a bit zany about it all.....then you bow out

And you, OP, and his Dad do a celebration with DSS another day

It doesn't matter how many tickets there are. DSS should be allowed to feel happy and relaxed on his graduation day

This really is the time for you to step up to your full height, not go running off to bed in tears

Absolutely THIS ^

Nothing about this situation is about you

Nada. Zilch

We will have really close loving relationships and none of the step parents went to graduation ceremonies we just all all met for dinner afterwards. spaces are incredibly limited it's the parents place not yours.

Agree. If DSS wants you there that badly he’ll bring it up. But I think if you truly love him you show that not by insisting on attending which is prioritising your feelings, but by taking a step back. You know his mother doesn’t want you there so you being there will only cause tension.

Or just don’t put DSS in the position where he feels he has to say he wants OP there out of politeness.
DSS is 18, clearly well capable of raising the subject himself if he so chooses.

If there are 4 tickets per family is it possible that dss has already talked to his mum about who he wants the two tickets to go to? Perhaps he is also very close to his grandparents or an aunt or uncle he is particularly close with. Could he be worried about yours and his father’s reaction if he tells you that he doesn’t want you to have one of the tickets? If that’s the case it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or loves you any less. It just means he has other members of his family that he loves too.

As pp have said, he is 18, it’s his graduation it should be completely up to him who gets the tickets.

He’s not graduating. He’s leaving school.

It’s natural that his parents should go to the ceremony, but you should talk to your DSS about this, see what he wants to do. Is it what his mum wants?

Yet another problem caused by step parents wanting to force themselves on the existing family.

What were you and DH doing making plans before speaking to your step son anyway? You weren’t invited, so why would you make plans?

Supporting your step son means backing off here. You can have a good relationship with him and if you have managed to create a genuinely healthy and happy relationship with him then you have plenty to be grateful for.

Your feelings are irrelevant here, this is not about you. If your DH does anything other than what his son wants, he’s a selfish arse. Your dramatic crying is only going to make it harder for him to do the right thing.

Tickets are limited to 2. Don't do anything to make his graduation about you

Yes. You're right. Thinking about this some more.....the OP should simply butt out and not go. Nothing about this event relates to the OP

While I can understand you being upset about missing the graduation I think you are being a bit over-dramatic here. Why does not going to the ceremony, and even for a meal after impact on you planning for his future (uni/house deposit etc)? He isn't going no contact with you, it's one evening. Stop making it about you.
I imagine that (rightly or wrongly) you being there would change the already strained atmosphere between his parents and he wants to avoid that.
Stop taking it personally and continue to have a positive impact on his life. He will thank you for it in future.

"I burst into tears and took myself to bed" That's rather dramatic. It's a school leavers ceremony.

My sister says "why do I want to sit for hours politely clapping children I don't know as they wait in line to go up on stage when I'm only there for my daughter but that will be for less than 1 minute of my life? ". In fact my niece actively tells her mother it will be boring and not to bother going.

I do also wonder if there’s a bit of Disney dad going on here. DH is getting DSS a suit & a holiday and Mum is dealing with exam stress.

The word "banned", crying and taking yourself to bed are extremely dramatic. Stop that.

The message from your stepson's mum was twatty and rude. No question about that. But this is one of those moments to rise above.

The only person who should be deciding who should attend the graduation is the stepson himself. I'm sceptical about his mum purportedly speaking on his behalf, and telling you not to talk to him directly - but it may well be that he's decided that the easiest option with the least potential drama is to just have his parents there. That's not a reflection of what he feels about you.

Take him about to celebrate his graduation and have a lovely time on another date.

This totally, so sorry OP, I really feel for you, if 4 tickets are available you should also be able to attend if your DSS would like you to do so.
I think your husband needs to step up as well and tell his ex you are going (if DSS agrees).
So sorry this is the situation and I hope you get it resolved.

I wouldn’t take it for granted that DSS actually knows. If he’s happy for you to support him at uni and find his education, then I don’t see why you shouldn’t be at the ceremony. I can see why you don’t go for the meal with her, but I don’t see why DH would want to go for the meal with her either. Surely just everyone goes to the ceremony and she can take him for a meal on the same day and you guys take him another day.

Your dh needs to have a conversation with his son about what he wants to do on his graduation day. The idea of holding off and seeing what happens on the day wasn’t a great plan.
His mum may be lying and not want you around or his son may just want an easy going day and not want his parents to be arguing.

Once your dh has spoken to his son and found out the plans then you need to go with it. If he doesn’t want you there then yes it’s rubbish but it’s because he wants his day to be easier, fun and memorable for the right reasons, not a difficult day in which his parents don’t talk.

So who is having the other two tickets? If you can't go just let it slide, don't make DSS fell bad about it, you are a wonderful SM and will be there for him in may ways in the future.