Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

OP can you clarify - were you supporting the ex or were you paying maintenance as every separated parent should?

I work full time and make sure bills are paid - ex pays the legal minimum maintenance for our dc and gloats about being able to stop when dc turns 18 even though dc will be in no position to support himself at that age so it will all be on me yet ex also sees it as currently supporting me just because he is forced to pay a paltry amount each month.

Can you clarify where you are, that private school fees are part of the legal minimum maintenance?

If you and other posters could stop bending into impossible shapes to find her her at fault the rest of us would breathe a sigh of relief

Not doing that at all - more the other posters who have said op is supporting the mum when op hasn’t said anything like that.

Threads like these aren’t all in or all out - you can agree with op on some things and not others and like op reasonably says things like rent and bills don’t suddenly cease with a dc the minute they turn 18 and maintenance is supposed to contribute to that.

I think it’s great that op and the dad are going to continue beyond 18 when most dc are still in education and unable to support themselves - it shows a lot about her compared to other posters stating she should cut off maintenance now!

Posters should accept that life is more nuanced and less black and white than can ever be conveyed in a thread on mumsnet - that’s not to say the op is bad is bad and the mum is good but more maybe just think a bit more about what you are reading - and imagine it from both sides, not just the mums side and not just the ops side.

Absolutely spot on.

Yeah, I smell a rat. According to OP they have been absolute angels, the mum has been a nightmare and yet…

Just doesn’t ring true anymore.

Wouldn’t it have been the dad who got the tickets rather than the op?

Just by asking the ds what he wants is putting a bit of pressure on him because as per the op he worries about his mum, it’s clear the op and dad also do a lot for ds so obviously he is not going to want to upset anyone (mum upset, op taking to her bed, dad livid) in all honesty what is the ds supposed to decide? How can he know what he wants whilst realising that any decision he makes will hurt someone he loves and loves him? Sadly one adult has to take a step back for this teenage graduation (that is not in any way similar to a marriage/wedding/etc and leave the boy to concentrate on his journey into manhood and find his voice proactively about these occasions where mum and dad aren’t involved in tickets/invitations etc

Given the OP’s updates, it sounds like an enabling situation in which her DH had good intentions, but as often happens when one person enables another by financially providing for them, it hasn’t had the desired result, I.e., that the enabled person eventually becomes more mature and independent.

Yes, but your responsibility to her ends at some point. The only reason I can think that there might be an ongoing responsibility to her is if she had to make extraordinary sacrifices to her own career and ability to support herself, directly to the benefit of her then DH's career and earning capacity. Or some other extraordinary reason.

Otherwise your DH's duty is to his son, not to his ex who is able to find a way to support herself.

How long is the funding of the ex's bills etc going to go on for? Until DSS is working and moved into his own place?

I quite agree, but you can't deny that there are a number of posters determined to find fault with the op, ignore the info she has posted that doesn't suit their rhetoric and talk about the mothers perspectives here rather than the sons.

Your post was asking if they are paying maintainance, which has been abundantly clear. They pay maintainance plus more and will continue to do so until he is 21.

I'm just imagining the responses if it was a man that had taken all the tickets so that his ex wife couldn't go to her son's graduation.
And if it was a man that had been letting his ex wife pay his rent for 16 years (so far) and pay for their son's expensive schooling, car, driving lessons, petrol, clubs, clothes, school trips etc, while he contributed nothing, but made life as difficult as he could for her and her new husband.

I'm pretty sure this would be a different thread.

@saraclara Tbf, I’d still be thinking that they’d enabled their ex and I wouldn’t really understand why.

As someone pointed out, they weren’t married or in a LTR. It’s an unusual situation.

The financial commitment to to DSS, not her directly. As long as he lives with her then we will support that, until he is 21. If he moves out it stops. DH will probably give the money directly to him, the it’s up to him to pay his mum board etc.
Paying for his education was not a legal obligation and we probably pay 6x over what we legally should, because they don’t take my salary into account for the calculations.

You and your DH sound like kind people who’ve done what you think is right.

It also sounds as if your support has enabled his Mum to keep custody, even though your DH thought that his son would be better off with him.

This seems a good idea until there is a ballot

I agree with a pp that the ritual of graduation itself will be tedious - 200 or so children traipsing on stage for a handshake and then off again.

It’s the ritual and what it represents that’s important - the OP has been an integral part of DSS’s life and it’s natural she wants to be there to celebrate the milestone.

Maybe there’s a way for the OP to have a quiet moment with him - after exams - to tell him she’s proud of him. My son is younger so I don’t know the male equivalent but there were quite a few little things to do to get my oldest DD ready for formal - nails, eyebrows etc. Mayne take him out for lunch and choose a corsage together?

You are a better person than I am. Does your DH make good money so that he is paying her the support? IOW--I hope it is not you paying.

The mother is going to need to learn to take care of herself.

The mother sounds totally feckless.

If you're not wanted you're not wanted, it's his day not yours and if he just wants his parents that's up to him. Why are you mKing this about you? Why mentions your husband buying him a suit like he's going above and beyond somehow?

You are right, this is the most crucial thing, but no one is asking him what he wants because they don't want to upset him!

If they asked him, he would be able to express a preference and this whole thing wouldn't be festering away like this

So he definitely wants us to come - we’ve not told him his mum doesn’t want us there. He was with us this weekend and talking about it like - of course you are both coming. DH will chat to him this week once exams done.

How did the topic arise, OP?

If DS wasn’t pressured - and I am not suggesting that he was, but I fear your thread has become something of a Rorschach test - this is good news. I said earlier that if his mum is trying to speak for him without his consent, the sooner you nip that in the bud, the better. I stand by this.

Best wishes

I had a feeling this was the case. It seemed obvious that the mother was being petty and difficult. I hope this can all be resolved for your dss sake as he is the person that matters the most in this situation

I wish people weren't like this. My DSS who is only 13 has already been told by his mother than she won't go to his wedding if I am there. This is bonkers talk given it could be decades away, why even say this stuff. He openly talks about it with me as he thinks she is nuts and unreasonable. At the end of the day, they only damage their own relationships with their child.