Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

To this point. How has it “come from nowhere”? Your DH fought her for custody at one point.

It’s come from nowhere for it to be DSS’s wishes, we all have a good relationship as far as I/we are aware and if I’d included everything in the OP it would be a 10 page essay.

I'm sorry for you all that it has been so fraught and unhappy. And it's great that DSS feels so loved.

It sounds as if the mother has had a tough time - even if it's partly of her own making.

It is easier to manage the relationships and situation if the mother is given due recognition. It's also easier if you think of the money as the child's money, rather than as something she takes.

Please consider tapering the support rather than suddenly cutting it off - it will be a brutal financial cliff-edge and he won't suddenly stop needing a home with his mother.

If you were overpaying over the years, it might have been an idea to overpay slightly less and save it for when he turns 18.

My DSC will be graduating in a couple of years and I'm expecting that the monthly payment will continue for a year or so after that as they get established in their first job. Better to keep expectations realistic.

It reduces to 2.5 at the end of this year until he is 21. The balance of the money + the value of his school fees will be invested by us. It will be his when he is ready to buy a home. We’ve already bought him a car, which is in his name and an asset for him to sell if he wanted / needed to.

That's great and he's a very fortunate young man.

OP, is the fundamental issue that you want something that isn't possible? Whatever that is - attending the graduation, of course. But besides that, you want a well-ordered life where things are fair.

Sometimes, it isn't possible, and it sucks. But it's best to accept that some things are out of your control and are just going to be a bit shit. However - there are other things that you can control that bring you fulfilment. It took me years of bitter sadness to figure this out.

I'm trying to be helpful - sending you waves of sympathy across the hemispheres!

@evertriedeverfailedthabk you - very helpful advice x

Why are you paying till he's 21? Surely any support should go directly to the son after 18 and leaving school?

The updates make this sound like a work of fiction tbh.

I've only read OP's post so hopefully this isn't a 'cancel the cheque' response from me!!

Was just wondering whether, from a practical perspective, you might be able to get some spare tickets from another parent who won't be using all 4? That's what I often do for my DD's school events.

Hope your DSS gets through the exams ok and you all have a happy and peaceful celebration

@windchimeheavenbecause her rent doesn’t stop at 18, she still has bills to pay. DSS gets an allowance from us, we pay all his fuel and car costs.

@windchimeheavenbecause her rent doesn’t stop at 18, she still has bills to pay. DSS gets an allowance from us, we pay all his fuel and car costs.

@Samui25 I am so glad you said that re the rent and bills not stopping at 18 because so many maintenance paying parents don’t realise that (my ex included) and despite not particularly agreeing with you about the graduation it is evident you are trying to do the right thing.

@evertriedeverfailed fab post!

Both my kids’ graduation events allowed only 2 tickets per child, and there was then an opportunity to get more in the second round (as some kids I guess either sadly have no one going, or only one person). I did get a ticket for my kids’ SM because I’m a normal person and it was their day, not mine. As your DH’s ex isn’t like this, I would get DH to ask DSS what he wants for the day, and do that.

Very sad that his mother thinks the day is about what works for her, rather than a celebration for him with all the people he loves.

I would offer the stepson a home with you rather than continue to provide money to her. Then all communication and entanglement with her can end.

@No5ChalksRoadhe has a home here - we want him here 100% but he worries about his mum. So he is here anything from 0-7 days per week

If he does worry about his mum then it's surely possible that he wants just her & his dad at the graduation?

But you shouldn’t have to support her household indefinitely. You are going above and beyond. I wonder if she realizes that.

Why not just stop her money completely

So your husband has been supporting his ex for the past 18yrs?

Why?

True her rent doesn't stop at 18 nor her bills but there comes a time where she ought to be standing on her own two feet and paying her own rent and bills. She's been more than fortunate since you've been in the picture essentially paying for her and her child to not just live but thrive. Fair enough to give DSS an allowance, but she can start figuring her own life out.

Money in his account not hers. She can go and ask DS for an allowance if needs be

“We are busy planning his future, his house deposit”etc. what about his mum? It seems to be all about you, perhaps his mum also has plans.

perhaps DSS does just want time with his parents with you not there. You sound over bearing and to be honest no matter what, you aren’t his mum.

my ex has a new partner like you and the pressure she puts on my children to insert herself into every area of their life is suffocating for them. They dare not tell their dad but they dislike she’s ALWAYS there and wanting to be involved

Especially after a short term relationship 20 years ago. They weren’t married.

@No5ChalksRoad Yes, it’s an unusual situation that her ex has been financially supporting her, obviously voluntary rather than court ordered.

It seems counter-intuitive in a way as surely her DH would’ve got full custody of his son if his Mother couldn’t support him (without financial help from her ex, I mean).

The OP isn't a new partner. She's been the stepmother for 16 years. The boy would have been 2 at that time. He's probably not able to remember a time when @Samui25 wasn't in his life.