Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I wouldn't stress about it OP. Just be happy he's 18 now so you won't have to deal with this for much longer. Stepmums are considered the devil on here regardless of how batshit the mum acts. There is a type of mum that would kiss her son on the lips while making eye contact with his new girlfriend. You're probably dealing with one of those. Just be there to support your stepson through it and enjoy the peace of no contact.

It's none of your business what the bill is or what @Samui25 has been paying. She clearly has been very tolerant and supportive. She deserves respect which has been clearly in short supply from the mother, whose behaviour is borderline abusive and controlling.

Op the money benefits his child not his mother. I think there is obviously 2 sides to this story. There is a reason she has stamped her feet and clearly overreacted by taking the tickets. What ever has gone on in the past has clearly put the mums back up. The sensible thing would be for dh to talk to his son and find out.

Lol I can’t wait either this woman has had it made! 5 bloody thousand

I never asked her what the bill is.

I appreciate your thoughts re my husband. Sincerely, I do. But my situation with my DSS and being a stepmum is not what is colouring my thoughts. Or certainly not entirely. It was difficult and unpleasant, but we all survived it well.

What is causing me to have strong feelings, is both listening to the OP’s distress and heartfelt feelings about the situation she finds herself in, and my experience witnessing so many DC be emotionally harmed and manipulated by bitter parents who can not or will not put their own feelings aside for the sake of their children. Who are so resentful of the fact that their ex partner has moved on and is happy and is providing happiness and security for their child, so much so that they are willing to screw up milestones of their child just to exclude the person who their child now loves and considers a welcome part of their family.

So many people want to criticise the OP as a stepmum, but can’t or won’t see that the child’s own mother is the one who is putting up a barrier to the child having a happy experience with everyone in their life who they love, and who loves them.

Looking at this situation objectively, DSS’s mother is the one who has made demands, chosen to exclude not only his stepmum, but also his father, when things haven’t gone her way. OP and her husband have chosen to prioritise DSS’s feeling thus far, prioritising his study over talking to him and trying to sort this whole sorry mess out.

But my perspective is mothers don’t want that. They want another person to provide “happiness & security” for their child they want to do that. I’ve never had any first hand experience of separation but I would find being away from my children so difficult.
I struggle with women being called “bitter” for having emotions about being away from their children.
Women grow their children, there’s something almost spiritual to me about that.
I can’t imagine having up almost hand over the reigns to another woman simply because she is married to my ex.

my dc have a stepmum. Im happy that she is supportive and kind. I am happy that may dc have an extra person in their life who cares. She can sometimes be a pain. My ex and I have our differences and I don’t particularly like him (previous emotional and physical abuse and cheating) but dc don’t know that because them having a relationship with them and the best possible childhood matters.

people can put their issues aside for their kids. If they can’t then frankly they are being crap parents

Fair play to you & it’s a nice sentiment. i can see why you’d want her there if ex has some issues.

Be a pain in what way? I think what I would struggle with is someone who felt they should be a significant figure in DC’s life. Supportive & nice great but I’d hate to feel another person was trying to one-up to my own kids or make decisions as to what they should do.

I agree.

I think the reason stepmums are vilified is that SO very often they lack any kind of empathy for how hard it is for the mum.

She has to hand over the child she carried in her body for 9 months and gave birth to to a complete stranger, whereby she has no control whatsoever over the influences in that household or what the ex and stepmum say about her.

On top of that, every birthday, Christmas and milestone is slightly overshadowed by another female presence in the child’s life - often someone who doesn’t respect or like her.

We’ve had no acknowledgment from OP of how difficult it would have been for the mum to hand over her very young baby to another woman, only that the mum was ‘controlling and demanding’.

Idk the whole thing seems to have been handled pretty badly.

Seems obvious that his mum wouldn't want Op there & perhaps her husband should have agreed to just the two of them at the graduation or been proactive & got tickets himself.

Children grow up so so fast. It’s not 18 years because by secondary their focus has shifted to their friends.
I can’t imagine having to share those short years. Working for me already takes up so much of it. I’d hate to get home from work to an empty house. Although some days I wouldn’t mind the peace. Having to send my child to school for him to be picked up by someone else etc. The love I have for my children is like no other relationship.

My kids are growing up so fast. I only have a couple more years of Santa. But at least I don’t have to send my kids off elsewhere on Christmas Day.

Still going above and beyond and then being treated like shite by Mother dearest.

I do empathise that it has been hard for her. From what I understand she hasn’t got a partner. She had 2 failed relationships after DH, both times moving DSS in with men quickly who were unsuitable and put DSS in unsafe positions, one a drug addict the other a con man who went to jail.
What I don’t and won’t accept is she is happy to take from us, but shows us nothing but contempt in return.

I do empathise that it has been hard for her. From what I understand she hasn’t got a partner. She had 2 failed relationships after DH, both times moving DSS in with men quickly who were unsuitable and put DSS in unsafe positions, one a drug addict the other a con man who went to jail.
What I don’t and won’t accept is she is happy to take from us, but shows us nothing but contempt in return.

@Samui25 I agree that she’s not handling the graduation at all well. You say that DSS’s Mum has taken from you- what have you given her?

Do you mean that you typically accommodate her wishes, but she doesn’t accommodate your DH’s (and is unpleasant to boot)?

So DSS is her only child?

Honestly this post nails it. I personally think OP should step away from the ceremony and let that be about the 2 parents but I also dont see why they need to subject her DH to a wierd meal with his ex ..who is not nice to DH most of the time ! There is also no clear indication that DSS has actually requested this specifically just her texts.
If it was an exH insisting on a meal with a woman and the ex H had been unpleasant and nasty to the woman during the period post divorce, MN would be full of women telling her not to engage and she wouldnt have to have some dinner with this horrible man and that the son would understand that they dont need to play happy families. So attend the ceremony and be civil, that's enough

But that's what makes me suspect that is what the ds has asked for.

According to the op the relationship is at best tense, and there's been no sign previously of mum wanting to play happy families, or I'm sure op would have said.

So why does the mum want to spend time with her ex, have a meal with him etc?

How many people here, who have an ex who is not really on speaking terms with them, would choose to go for a meal with them?

If she wanted to just please herself, Surely she'd have just got the tickets and invited her family members and not said anything. That would have been far easier and far nicer for her. A meal with her son, her own parents and another friend/family would be lovely and relaxing.

So I'd suspect that she has talked to her ds, he's said what he really wanted is mum and dad. She has put her own wishes aside to ask for this.
She also knows that "livid" ( in Op's own words) dad speaking to ds will end in ds feeling he can't say what he really wants.
Hence the message.

I'm amazed at how judgy people have been of the OP.

She has supported her dss for years, finding his school and contributing financially as the highest earner. She has a good relationship with him and clearly loves him.

Yet some people have been convinced she's done something wrong and that the mum is in the right.

The mum wanted to celebrate with just her ex and her son. That's just weird given her bad relationship with her ex. I wonder if she doesn't want to go on her own without a partner and is trying to play happy families for one day.

Buying up all the tickets to stop her ex (and the op but that's less relevant) from being able to go is downright mean and manipulative.

Saying it's what dss wants but insisting they don't speak to him is also manipulative.

Has he finished exams now OP?

@the7Vabo- yes
@BruFordConstant interruptions, demands that DH drop everything and accommodate her and DSS. Many a family event or holiday have been cut short by a drama created by her meaning that DH has to pick between us and them.
I’ve not attended (or DC) many a party or event involving DSS to accommodate her wishes.
Access patterns have changed time and time again at her whim, and have only settled now he is old enough to decide and communicate directly with him.
We tried to get custody multiple times, due to unsafe situations DSS was in due to her decisions and custody was always temporary and he went back to her eventually once the situation settled (or we paid for her to live elsewhere and provided her with escape funds)
I love DSS very much, but understandably I’m exhausted with it.

I'd let this graduation event go OP. After this you'll never have to deal with her again, except maybe at things like his wedding, but not even directly then.

I don’t mean this harshly but that is a hell of a lot of background to leave out of your OP.

From the updates I can't see how this has 'come from nowhere'. You clearly can't stand each other.
Attending the event with her ex is probably the last thing dss's mum actually wants, from what you have said.
Instead of making mum the villain of the story, consider that her original message may have been in line with her ds's wishes. Why else would she
be prepared to spend the day with an ex she doesn't like and has had minimal contact with for years. The only reason I would do this is for dc.

Probably because she knows its likely the last hold she has over her ex husband and wants to take advantage of it.
And it sounds like she hasn't had her DS's best interests at heart several times going by her dodgy dating history.