Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I assumed when you said “we” are helping him that you & DF were both contributing. Is it just his father paying for him? In which case why do you keep saying “we” about plans around deposit etc.

His DF had him before he met you & had more kids. So DF
has an existing financial obligation to him as his parent. I can see why if DF is sole earner or solely financing SS why it would be a conversation with you but it doesn’t turn it into “we” are paying for SS unless you are both paying. Which I assumed from all your posts that you were.

As I’ve said a few times now, the “we” is notable. The “we” involved in parenting SS should be his parents. They haven’t managed a good co-parenting relationship and there is two sides to that.

You should be taking a step back in allow DH to make decisions around SS without you getting upset.

You could argue that child maintenance for a child previous to your family structure is a responsibility outwith and above “shared money.” That is your DH’s responsibility solely and it began before you were ever on the scene. You shouldn’t view it as “We we gave out X amount monthly from family funds” as this money should never have been considered “in” your shared funds to begin with. It was always for DSS. That’s the deal you signed up for, being a step parent.

If the DH were only paying from his own wage, and an amount that reflected solely his wage then the use of "we" makes no sense.

If the money available for support and extras is reflective of the overall household income after both have contributed to the pot then "we" is appropriate.

From the OPs last update it sounds like the latter.

This is the way I would think about it too.

It’s me that’s the big earner, my wage has allowed a private education and the monthly payment. Was just curious on the response if everyone thought it was his money.

If your stepson said he did just want his parents there, would you want to withdraw financial support? No suit, no help with house deposit etc

You know, I’ve been on Mumsnet, it feels like since methuselah was a boy, so I should know by now that stepmums (and ex husbands for that matter), are only one notch above Ed Gein on the “evil” ladder, but somehow the vitriol never fails to amaze me.

According to some on this site, it is acceptable for a mother to:

• demand that her ex (from 16yrs ago, and whom she is pretty much no contact with) attend the child’s school graduation, with her, including some sort of performative meal afterwards,
• ban the child’s stepmum (of 16 years) from attending,
• ban the child’s father from even speaking to his own son about it,
• spit her dummy out, snag all the tickets and block the child’s father when he doesn’t immediately comply with her demands,
• insist that the father and stepmum pay for the child’s clothes for the event they’re banned from attending,
• only be able to talk to his child about it once the clothes are bought and paid for, which will be after the exams, and obviously there will be buckleys chance of any tickets possibly being left available,
• expect her ex and his wife to dance to her tune and not say WTF, no chance!

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. Anyone with half an ounce of common sense can see who the unreasonable one is in this scenario, and it’s not the OP. (And as I said, the school will absolutely have seen this a hundred times, and also know who the unreasonable party is). I feel sorry for DSS. His mother is putting him in an awful situation, and it sounds very much like the OP and husband are stuck between a bitch and a hard place!

Just know, @Samui25 that this will only be the first (or not, as the case may be) of many many occasions when you’ll be dictated to and made to feel like a second class citizen in your own life. I hope you and DH find a way this to work out well. Because right now, you’re being played and dictated to and that’s never nice.

Except that isn’t what people have said though is it?

What about the many step children who have posted here saying they actually like their step parents but wanted events to be just their parents.

Does DM have a partner, more children?

For understanding why did you decide to pay for stuff like this for SS? You have multiple other childen, the bill overall must be huge.

Depends on the school. Some do 2 some do up to 6. She is not saying his mum should not go as she clearly says mum would be there. Bit of an assumption you have made here.

And what about the people who have said that they adored their step parents and wanted them there. What about the real life people who hated the fact that one of their parents held massive amounts of hatred and vitriol for their other parents new partner, and who just wished they would put it all aside for their sake and not be so selfish and god damn childish?

I’ve been witness to it personally and professionally. Children from separated/divorced families aren’t stupid. Especially when it’s a long way down the line, and they are nearing adulthood. They know their parents don’t get along, sometimes hate each other even. They know that one or both has a new family setup. And when that works well (as it appears to have in the OP and her DH’s case), there’s no reason for it not to be dealt with maturely by all parties.

In this case, (and would be quite the norm), Dad attends with his wife, Mum attends with partner/grandparent/Aunty/best friend. Everyone smiles nicely for any photos, don’t need to sit together and make things awkward, DSS has a lovely proud day watched on lovingly by the people who love him. But no, on this occasion, his mother had to jump in with both feet, immediately demanding off the bat that @Samui25was not welcome, and if the dad didn’t agree to coming with her alone, then he wasn’t coming at all. She is the one who had engineered and manipulated the discomfort and animosity here. What right does she have to dictate the day? None 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe, just maybe, OP is financially stable enough to ensure that she can provide a comfortable standard of living and schooling for both her biological children, and her DSS who she stated from the start that she had a loving relationship with. And shock horror - rather than being a wicked stepmother, wants to ensure that they are treated equally!

The mother doesn’t sound like a shrinking violet, I’m sure if she hadn’t wanted OP to pay generously for her son’s schooling then she’d have said something about it at the time. But obviously she sees @Samui25 as good enough to pay for that, just not good enough to join the celebrations of him graduating from the school that she paid for.

How have you been witness to it personally?

I constantly see on MNs - “step parents can’t win”, instead of an acceptance that when you marry a man who already has a child that has the potential to be very very complicated and it is not about you. And that there are times when you will need to take a step back. And if you aren’t prepared to accept that marry a man without kids. SMs have a choice in how they marry. DMs have no choice. Think about that - you have no choice over who your child lives with. In what other situation would that be acceptable? I had a choice over where my kids went to school, where they went to nursery, what they eat, hobbies, all of it.
There’s all kinds of risks - a spectrum from abuse by SM because she’d rather my child didn’t exist to playing happy families with my child because she’d rather I didn’t exist.
And not once has the OP acknowledged that this situation hasn’t been easy on DM.

And “step mum” is a misnomer from a time when people only remarried after a first wife died.

The question was addressed to the Op.

I’ve worked with literally dozens, if not hundreds of broken and blended families. The ones who work the best, are the ones who put their own grievances aside and get on with it for the sake of the kids. I am a stepmum and have been for many many years. I also have several children of my own.

When you have children, they come first and there are no guarantees. Relationships break down. People die. New families form. Is it always pleasant and happy? No. Do the adults have the capacity and maturity to ensure that it’s as best as it can be for the kids? They should.

My husband sadly died, fairly recently. I’m in my 40s. I’ll never need to worry about a stepmum to my children, but had my DH and I ever separated, and believe me, we had our rough times, all that would have mattered to me was that if and when he met someone else, that they were kind to my children and treated them well. I would never have thought for one minute that I could have dictated to him whether he could attend their milestones or who he could bring with them. Especially if that was a new wife of 16yrs. That level of selfishness wouldn’t have entered my head. Why would I have put my kids through that sort of animosity. My DHs ex wife made attempts at that sort of behaviour, but it was immediately quashed by DH (and as he got a bit older, by DSS), and events went smoothly and maturely. And most importantly, my DSS was happy.

It’s a public discussion.

Lots of posters (including me) are coming at this from the perspective of maybe the stepson would like it to just be his parents, and it's not just from his mother. OP stepping back and allowing him to have this without causing a load of drama would be putting the child first if that's the case.

This.

even though Mumsnet doesn’t seem to realise this. Blended families can work extremely well. The key is that the adults need to not be selfish dicks. They need to put there feelings aside for the child.

I asked the Op question to understand her personal circumstances. Nothing to do with you.

but we don’t know this.

by the sounds of it the stepson has not a clue. If he did he wouldn’t have been around acting like nothing was going on. He would be on edge wondering if they were going to say something. Like op said he wears his heart on his sleeve.

I’m very sorry about your husband. You have been the SM it seems and you have feelings about how his mother behaved. That obviously colours how you see the OP’s situation.

We don't know either way

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoati’ve done right by DSS, I’ve witnessed the manipulation by his mum. Our money stops in 12 weeks and frankly I can’t wait

Why wouldn’t she pay for stuff for the DSS? She has married his father, DSC come as a package deal and they are a family regardless, but in this instance it seems he is with them 50/50 and she is not the wicked stepmother a large proportion of PPs seem to be imagining!

Are you suggesting she should pay only for the children she has birthed and withhold any kind of financial support for DSS, citing, “I have my own children to play mother to, this one is not mine!” ????