Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Sorry just re read my earlier post. DH of course he wants to go to his DS graduation. What he didn’t want to do was adhere to her demands of the situation. They are not amicable and she is volatile and abusive to DH. He would have been polite to her, but he didn’t want to attend the whole event with her and then dinner after. Again this isn’t about him throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t welcome, it’s about him attending on his son’s terms not hers.

She’s not his mother. End of. “birth mother” is language you use for adoption. SS is not adopted. His has one mother and one only.

Yes, your DSS comes first.

Honestly, in your DH’s shoes, I’d do whatever’s easiest for his son. His graduation is nothing to do with his parents’ poor relationship at all, it’s a celebration of his achievements. I’m sure that plenty of non-amicable family members will be attending their child’s graduation and plastering on a smile for the child’s sake.

If his parents can’t do that, it’s pretty poor form tbh.

Does DH honestly think Mum would be nasty to him at a meal out for their child?

It all seems needlessly confrontational they'll definitely never be any events that the boy can expect to see both his parents at.

Bang goes his last chance to get a photo of him and both parents.

@Needspaceforlego why is it the dss last chance of getting a photo of him with both parents? Is one of them dying?

Wow. What a crazy situation. I think let the whole thing rest now and let the exams take place and then your husband is going to have to carefully explain what’s going on to his son. If the man had taken all four tickets and then refused to allow the mother to attend unless he left his wife at home I think this thread would have gone very differently. It’s coercive control at the detriment of a child and disgusting behaviour.

What utter nonsense. You go there together and avoid where she is. Tell the school you misplaced your tickets upon arrival

Good enough to chip in for the £5k a month schools fees though.

Unlike Mum.

I know it's hard when you've had a big influence in his life and supported him to go to this point in life, but for DSS's sake, why not just his mother and father go to the graduation and dinner with him? They should be doing it for their son, being adult enough to behave and get on for one evening. Just for their son.

There wouldn't be anything wrong with you going if everyone was good with it, but I do think a graduation like this is really a thing for the parents and their child.

I do hope the adults aren't going to take the joy out of it for DSS.

You don't buy your way into being someone's mother lol. How much would you need a month to replace your mother?

We don't even know if any of this money is from OP, it could all be the Dad's earnings, and a parent withholding financial support because their child doesn't treat their spouse as their real parent is appalling. You can't buy love.

But he threw his tantrum before determining what his son’s terms were. He told her he was going to do things his way. He still doesn’t know what his son wants.

I think she did state earlier that she contributes financially.

Can't be arsed to read back.

It's not about buying her way in - it's about Mum being a CF and not putting her son first.

The kid spends a lot of time with them, knows they pay for his school fees etc. I very much doubt he's the one driving this.

I do hope the adults aren't going to take the joy out of it for DSS.

@windchimeheaven That's an excellent way of putting it, the adults mustn’t take the joy out of this occasion for their son, it’s simply not the right thing to to do.

Re. Contributing to school fees, etc. If a step-parent chooses to contribute money towards a step-child’s education, that’s on them, nothing to do with anyone else and it certainly doesn’t mean that the birth parents aren’t good parents either.

Haven’t RTFT but just wanted to say, graduations are pretty fucking boring. I’ve been to 9 so far.

Let it go and celebrate separately. It’s not worth getting your knickers in a knot over.

FFS it’s not even university graduation?! Catch a grip!

I dont get why you dad can't have a calm conversation with SS when hes with you? If he wants til exams are over, there will likely to no tickets left. Yes its a stressful time but fgs its a simple 5 min conversation, SS should be aware of what his mum has done and let him decide what to do. I think if you leave it, SS is going to get mums narrative only and he may feel like yous dont care enough to not go.

Because the parents obviously can't stand the sight of each other.
He will never have the two of them in the same place ever.

They can't put their differences to the side for his Graduation, the chances them avoiding drama is remote so the chances of him inviting them both to any sort of event is somewhere zero and nil, and I mean uni Graduation, big birthdays, wedding, his own kids things at any point in the future.

Its school not uni but we have no idea what either parents financial circumstances are, they could both be multi millionaires the 5k a month could be a drop in the ocean.

It's school isn't it not university? So God help them all when this guy actually graduates from university. This is absolutely insane. When we left school at 18 it was just writing on each other's shirts with permanent markers and that was that.

Glad to see some sensible answers.

Yes it’s a school graduation- not a university one, nor a wedding or a christening. For those future events DSS will actually be a proper certified adult, here he is just a kid who is finishing his schooling.

I don’t know what speaking to the DSS about what he wants is going to achieve. If he says he isn’t that fussed about his DSM being there then I can’t imagine that going down well with his DF, if he says he does want DSM there then all hell breaks loose with his DM. Great fun situation for the school leaver to have to make the choice of which DP to aggravate.

DF should put on his big boy pants and suck it up for the ceremony with the DM. The actual ceremony is boring and takes forever.No need to go for a lunch together afterwards. Just drop the sword and let DM have that one, then do something special involving OP over the weekend.

All the focus should be on how to make the event special for DSS and if that involves compromising on plans, then that’s what needs to be done.

Agree, this is actually embarrassing for all the adults involved. He is 18 and just leaving school!
Honestly, catch yourself on.

@Anxioustealadyisn't all money family money?

I know it's hard when you've had a big influence in his life and supported him to go to this point in life, but for DSS's sake, why not just his mother and father go to the graduation and dinner with him?

You clearly haven't read the updates @windchimeheaven . Mum has now snagged all the tickets and told dad that he's not welcome. So he can't go.

It is, but I don't see why you as a step-parent get to hold financial support over the boys head (you keep mentioning financial plans as if because you don't go to a high school leavers do his dad can't help him with a house deposit, and other posters have said don't buy his suit if you can't attend. That's telling your stepson that if he wants support and a relationship with his Dad he's not allowed any opinion on you other than positive and he MUST involve you in everything)

Maybe you were the sole earner I could understand not wanting to pay so much if he was really nasty to you, but wanting time with just his parents and not you really isn't rude.

My parents are divorced and its completely different seeing my parents with and without their spouses, it's just more relaxed and natural. It's wrong and selfish to want to take that away from a child.

I bet the school is well used to such situations.
His father should contact the school directly and ask for 2 more tickets.