Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

There is only one mum

He has a birth mother and a step-mother. The latter has been in his life a very long time. Her feelings deserve consideration, too.

No. It isn't about her at all.

It's not about any of the adults involved. It's about the stepson.

Who does he want there?

His mother doesn't seem to have his best interests at heart.

If all the adults had the dss best interests at heart then they would all be a lot more easy going about whether step mum attended or not because it would be what the dss wanted but sadly they aren’t

Contact the school re her snaffling all the tickets. They will have mechanisms in place to avoid this sort of thing. Maybe they will halve her allocation and release 2 to your husband. Good luck!

To me, you sound like YOU are the Mum. You have made up your own "facts" and twisted this into something that hasn't been said.

It sounds like the birth mother is a twat waffle who wants to control anything she can.

I don't understand graduations not in the US, I guess. Is there assigned seating? At the ones I have been to, even with ticket limitations, it's just general admission, with no rule that ticket holders must sit together. That sounds really idiotic to me.

She’s digging for any piece of information she can use to make you seem like a terrible person. She’ll ask for your star sign eventually and if you ever had detentions at school.

Yes, it’s quite fascinating when people make up these fictions. Sometimes, with posters like this, I go back and read all of the OP’s posts to see if I missed the one where they admitted to all of the terrible things, it’s pretty much never there. Fascinating!

You’re quite right, so great news that the DH is going to sensitively check on that after his exams 👍

Um no 🤣 and I think my posts have also defended op when people have made shit up.
But you go ahead with your batshit posts 🤣🤣
Sorry op - by power play (I think I did put in a post that I wasn’t sure that was the right term) I meant re the large amount of maintenance (plus school fees) that was paid whether there would be a difficulty with the mum and whether she felt lorded over etc and felt less than.

She sounds like she is nothing more than a blackmailing witch who wants to "punish" you and your DH. Don't let her. Don't go suit shopping until after exams and DSS has been spoken to and his opinion followed. If you and your DH are not to go to anything, because BM has dictated that, then you and your DH should bow out of the suit shopping and any other costs.

I am guessing this is mostly on the BM though. Hence, her not wanting DSS to be talked to about any of it, because then the truth would come out.

@Samui25 Does the BM have an outside relationship too? Someone she is dating? Any other children?

Now, if ONLY we actually knew what DSS wanted? Or, are we supposed to take the BM as the word of God, as she has forbidden anyone to ask the young mn what HE wants?

Maybe someone should just ask DSS as the underlying tensions must be thick enough to cut with a knife.

Or, just a thought, wait to see what the dss suggests as he will be totally aware that tickets are now available. Do you really think either parent will ask dss in such a way that he feels able to be totally honest (whichever way that falls) what with a father that is livid, a step mum who takes to her bed sobbing and a mum who clearly holds a grudge? Whether dss actually witnessed any of the above be under no illusion that he will have a clear idea of how his choice will impact those who profess to love him and will be able to anticipate their reactions.

He should be asked because there is no telling what kind of poison his BM had drilled into him about the graduation/prom event.

If he cannot handle that at 18, he is in for a long row to hoe in life.

Why did your DH not wish to go to his son’s graduation?

Your parent marrying someone does not put them on the same level as your parent, nowhere near.

Surely that entirely depends on the situation. Some step parents do a lot more than bio parents some don’t. I know many adults who prefer step parents to their bio parent. It is all so dependent on the situation

Why do you keep saying birth mother/BM? She's just his mother.

It did with two of my stepchildren while my son says my bloke is far more of a father to him than his biological dad ever was.

As his mother is clearly in his life, she is just his mother. She'll always be his mother vs a step parent who they might never see again if the relationship with the parent breaks down.

If someone has a bad relationship with their parent and is closer to a step parent, that's fine but it shouldn't be assumed and it's rude to refer to someone's actual mother as "the other mother". I say this as a step child, my child doesn't have step parents.

This shouldn't be a stressful conversation.

It's a normal conversation to have, just leave out that Mum has been stamping her feet.

Dad should be bringing it up though, not you, obviously.

Fingers crossed DSS brings it up and his wishes are aired organically so then you know what's what.

If it does turn out that both of you are wanted there by DSS, it might be worth DH calling the school and explaining that Mum has taken all allocation.

He pays the fees so they may be forthcoming with a couple more tickets pre general release.

As if anyone should be giving into blackmail like that ‘come with me to our sons graduation or don’t come at all’ - it’s controlling behaviour and if this was the other way around and it was a dad saying this to a mum there would be uproar…sometimes a mum can be unreasonable.

Is this because she’s going to now lose maintenance? Not sure on the maintenance rules where you are 🙃

someone should ask your SS cause at the end of the day it’s his decision.

It all sounds very difficult, I am sorry for you as a SM.The mother must really dislike and still feel bitter towards your husband.It won't be long now and you won't hardly have anythimg more to do with her.

Sorry just re read my earlier post. DH of course he wants to go to his DS graduation. What he didn’t want to do was adhere to her demands of the situation. They are not amicable and she is volatile and abusive to DH. He would have been polite to her, but he didn’t want to attend the whole event with her and then dinner after. Again this isn’t about him throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t welcome, it’s about him attending on his son’s terms not hers.