Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

What happens if DSS is asked and he doesn’t particularly want OP there? This could be for many reasons but primarily because he is the one who deals with the fallout from the DM, or possibly because he just wants to act like an 18 year old who has finished school, rather than be expected to enact the judgment of Solomon for warring adults.

This doesn’t need to be a hill to die on. DH speaks to the school and gets a ticket for himself or speaks to DM and gets one that way.

It kind of reminds me a bit of the Alice Evans drama.Yes the DM is behaving disgracefully, but the only right course of action is stepping back and making the Dcs needs central. Just because he is 18 doesn’t mean he has to fight grown ups battles for them.

If dss is asked and he says he doesn't want the OP there - for any reason - then I hope that the OP would accept and respect that decision.

At present, nobody seems to have asked him for an opinion.

They don't want to ask during exams which is fair enough.
But telling him they'd respect his mums wishes might actually remove some pressure from him.

When is this ceremony anyway?
It seems really quick from exams finishing to graduation

In my state, they have not long started and finish on November 7. The formal is usually mid December.

I understand why you don't want to embroil DSS in this insane behaviour, and pile still more stress on him, but surely he will want to know that you and DH will not be attending his graduation and why.

Wont it be worse if he only learns on the day that you won't be going?

But DH can attend the ceremony. If he says to the DM he is going on his own she will give him a ticket, she said as much to them.

Why make DSS make any decision at all? Be an adult and say you aren’t going. This isn’t a wedding where you need to be there, it’s a school graduation. I watched an interesting Mel Robbins piece about making your life easier, basically “drop the sword”. That’s what DH and OP need to do.

I would like to hear the mother's side of the story. Perhaps she genuinely has reason to feel pushed out, or that you compete with her for your DSS affection. You do sound incredibly vitriolic towards her.

She probably did this because DH said "you sort your tickets and I'll sort mine" and guessed he would just get you a ticket anyway. And she was right, wasn't she? He was going to get you a ticket and you intended to go - unless DSS explicitly said no.

This does put DSS in the middle of warring parents, which isn't fair. For all we know, he has made his wishes clear to mum, and she's communicated it in a less-than-polite way. Or perhaps DSS is blissfully oblivious and mum just can't bear OP muscling in on this with new suits, dinners, holidays etc- or perhaps she's just horrible & unreasonable. Whatever the reason, the reasonable thing for the OP to do is step back. Take herself out of the drama triangle.

I hope DH gets to go though.

DH isn’t welcome either currently and has been blocked by DSS’s mum. We aren’t asking him now as it’s peak exam season, he is with us now and is blissfully unaware of anything going on, he wears his heart on his sleeve - so DH or I would know.
Once DH has a no pressure chat with him about who he wants there if there is even a hint of DSS not wanting me there, then I won’t go. (If DH can obtain a ticket or 2)

Why not simply allow his mother and father to attend?

because by the look of it the mother has decided to block him by going by booking tickets. She has blocked him so he can’t even communicate with her to say that he wants to go by himself. She is being selfish and thinking about herself. Doing this in the middle of exams is the height of selfishness and the fact that op and dh are making the decision to not be the bigger people and focus on dss study shows that they are child centred and are the bigger people in this situation.

the mother needs to realise this is about her son. Not her. Not them. Who the boy wants there is what matters.

Do you think maybe DH should contact the school, explain the situation and ask them to allow him one more ticket and he attends alone? I know you want to be there, and there’s a good chance that DSS does too, but he is going to be stuck, knowing someone is going to be hurt and he will be responsible. Explain that you are super proud of him and would love to be there but don’t want this day to be diminished for him in any way so you are going to step back. He will be so grateful that you have diffused any scene with his mum.

To be honest, given their brief relationship, I think DM should have come to terms with this a long time ago and stop being petty. She’s not thinking of DSS in this situation, so show that you are. X

I’d dump the mum right in it, after the exams of course. Then DH can have a chat and say ‘I’m a bit confused about graduation, I’ve enquired about the tickets as I want to be there but apparently your mum has bought all 4 of them and she won’t respond regarding the plan for the tickets, so at this stage can’t attend but am keen to celebrate with you so am happy to do whatever you want afterwards, just let me know when you figure it out’.

That will then involve the son having a puzzled conversation with the mum regarding the tickets which will give him the option to get across he knows she is holding 4 tickets and who he wants there. That may or may not be the OP, that would be up to him, but the important thing is he will know she is holding 4 tickets. Whether he will be listened is another matter.

Fir those saying ‘let her have this’, that’s all well and good if it would be a single one off to indulge this selfishness of making a decision unilaterally without asking DS his wishes, but it won’t be, it’s the one that sets the scene for everything moving forward. Weddings, baby naming/christening, grandchildren birthday parties, sons milestone birthday celebrations. This will be her precedence.

I concur with those who have suggested contacting the Uni and explaining the situation. As separated parents, you should be entitled to 2 tickets each. The Uni should be able to reallocate 2 of the tickets. You would at least then have the tickets in your possession, and you can be guided by your DSS as to what you do with them.
Regardless of everything else, the Mum has absolutely no right to exclude the Dad from anything relating to the graduation, and risks alienating her son if she tries.

But the other mum is creating the problem. Everyone else is being civil.

She is being selfish, insecure and petty.

It’s not uni - it’s school/6th form I believe.
In my experience schools really hate having to get involved with separated parent issues and expect them to deal with it themselves unless there is a negative impact on the child - but this child/18year old isn’t aware that any of this is going on though surely he knows the tickets have become up for grabs? Will have mused about who the 4 tickets will go to? But apparently he hasn’t said anything to his dad and step mum about it.

No5ChalksRoad - you have only read one side of the story.

Like I said, I'd be interested to hear the other.

@Yoyo5- I never stopped them going together, DH didn’t want to go and before he had a chance to find common group she took all the tickets and blocked him.

Your dh would have stayed away from his ds graduation because he couldn’t sit next to the mother of his son for an hour or so without you there? 😱
Starting to understand why your dss (who will know tickets have become available) has not broached the subject with his dad regardless of how his mum behaves

Maybe it’s not a mum or step mum issue - maybe it’s a dad problem 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yip 3 sides to every story, Ops side, Mums side and the truth somewhere in the middle.

The looser in this mess is the DSS.
They'll never be an opportunity in his life for his parents to actually show they can be civil to each other without rotten atmosphere.

OP what do you think ds mum side would be? Truthfully - without slating her or putting her down.

Do your DH did want to go to his own son’s graduation..? He could have booked tickets, like he said he was going to, but waited too long. She had booked the rest and blocked him after he threw a tantrum and refused to see common ground with her.

No such thing as "the other mum". She is his mother, OP is not, she is his dad's wife/his stepmother.

@Samui25 Im getting confused now. Your DH didn’t want to go to his son’s graduation?

That sends a very bad message to his son. His Dad isn’t willing to sit for a hour or so with hundreds of other people and watch his son graduate? Why not?

Let the DSS decide who they want there.