Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Of course it’s a one sided account 🤣 as are all posts on MN. There will be other sides and nuances that we are not aware of on both sides.

I’d bet that actually OP IS the problem. She’s the one who ‘lost her shit’ (we don’t know about the mum because we haven’t had her side of it), along with DH, who said that they’d ’sort their own tickets’, which is shorthand for ‘we don’t respect your or ds’s wishes’.

DSS’s mum — if you’re on Mumsnet I really hope you find this thread and can come and tell us the other side of the story!

What also speaks volumes are the murmurings about paying for school fees, future house deposit.

He's getting to the age where he will be likely as a young man to tell anyone who tries to control his actions through finances and veiled threats to stick it, so OP needs to rethink some things.

Especially anyone who harbours so much hatred for his mother as OP patently does.

Here’s a random thought - it could actually be that both sides love the ds and both sides are being slightly unreasonable even if they don’t see it!

Sorry, just to correct you - OP did not say £5k. Here’s her post:

DH and I are very financially supportive. Paid 5k per month + private school fees.

She sounds awful, @Samui25.

Perhaps your husband could contact the university and explain that he doesn't have a good relationship with his son's mother and she has taken all the tickets for graduation to stop him from attending and would it be possible to have a separate allocation?

Pity the poor lad if he ever gets married….

And another point, DS had his school
leaving ceremony last year. It was a wonderful day - he loved his school- and the most taxing things he had to worry about were polishing his shoes and deciding which evening party to go to.
Don’t put this decision on him, he deserves better than that, he deserves to enjoy his own school graduation without placating or worrying about offending adults who should know and behave in his benefit.

My point then is that, even with this one-sided account, many posters are still siding with the mum, as there’s very obviously a lot OP isn’t telling us.

The subtext of the OP’s posts speaks volumes.

Or in this case it could mean that DSS may want his mother to stop being an immature jerk, throwing her toys out of the pram, taking all the tickets and blocking his dad, because his stepmum of 16 years and his dad want to attend and celebrate a special milestone in his life. Hell, he may just wish that his mother would stop with her demands that everyone bend to her wishes, and let everyone have a pleasant time at his graduation. OP states that DSS actively chooses to split his time equally between his mother’s, OP & DH’s place, and his girlfriend’s, and that he and OP have a pleasant loving relationship. There’s every chance that, god forbid, DSS might actively want OP there, but as no one appears to be allowed to broach the matter with him gently lest he fall apart under the pressure, he isn’t being allowed to even express his opinion on it.

I know my DSS loved his mother, but detested her behaviour towards me and his father (and no, I wasn’t the OW, or even DHs first relationship after her). Fortunately for us, DSS used to mostly let it wash over him, and on occasion told his mother to wind her neck in when she was behaving particularly poorly and would never have allowed her to dictate whether I attended any events, or demand that DH attend with her alone! 😂

Most nearly 18yr olds aren’t shrinking violets, unable to express what they want, especially as he probably doesn’t even remember a time that OP wasn’t his stepmum, so it’s not exactly a raw breakup, although admittedly, if his mother does have form for this type of behaviour then I could understand him wanting to avoid the drama from her! OP may have had a bit of a cry but at least DSS wasn’t present for it, and it’s not OP or her DH making the demands, snatching up all the tickets or blocking anyone.

Or people may be inventing a "subtext" because they're projecting.

Everything on MN is, by its very nature, a one-sided account of any situation. We can only judge by what the OP actually says. Sometimes it can be very obvious from the OP's account that they're being wildly unreasonable. I'm not sure how you can reach that conclusion here unless you're predisposed to judge the SM, as many people are on MN.

I have no skin in the game. I am not a SM, I have never had a SM, and my dc doesn't have a SM. I accept that the dss's mum's side of the story will inevitably be different from what the OP has presented here, but without having that perspective presented, I don't really see how the OP is being unreasonable in any way.

Fair enough - my mistake

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat
Thank you
And to answer your earlier suggestion we aren’t allowed to go to the photos before the ceremony or the formal (prom) pre event gathering either. Neither DH are to attend anything to do with him leaving school.

Why is DH not to attend anything? Has dss brought how he feels about that?

I know you don't want to involve him in this but he is basically an adult. You don't need his mum's permission to attend anything. Just tell him and ask him what he wants.

There’s nothing to say the DM hasn’t booked all the tickets with the purpose of giving them directly to DSS himself and letting him choose who attends.

You clearly haven't read the updates. The mum has said that the graduation is just for her and her son, and that his father isn't welcome. So it's highly unlikely that she's going to let her son have access to the tickets and risk him giving one to his father.

I hope you and your DH roundly ignore her ridiculous demands, in particular with regards to the pre formal photographs! If, as I believe, you are in Aus, the photos will be held in a public place (park, beach etc), and no one can dictate who can or can’t attend them! Literally random people walking down the street can stop and take photos. If she wants to kick off and make a scene then she will be showing herself for who she truly is. You and DH don’t even need to react to her, just ignore her and turn away.

Don’t let her tell you what you can do and where you can go. It’s none of her fucking business and she has absolutely no right! I’m angry for you, I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoatand she still expects us to pay for his outfit for his formal, which we won’t get to see him in.

Wow she really is a piece of work

Of course she does! You’re good enough to bankroll. It’s always the same story. But on Mumsnet, you’re a stepmum, so basically devil incarnate. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think if I’m being honest, and I know you wanted to let DSS get through exams, but I think DH needs to have a frank but gentle talk with him.

Something along the lines of “look mate, your mum has decided that neither I nor Samui are welcome at any part of your formal. Obviously if that’s what you want that’s not a problem, although it is a bit upsetting, but we will do whatever makes you comfortable. We can do something at a later date with your gf too, and you can get all dressed up again, and then we will get to see your new outfit too!”

If he makes no objection to that or says, yeah I just want mum there, then it is what it is, but make no more mention of suit shopping or the likes.

If he says, “what? No, I want you and Samui there! What the hell?”, then you can contact the school, explain the situation and see if they can help, and go to the photos anyway, and fuck what his mother thinks or says!

And if he doesn’t want either of you there but says “but I thought you were taking me suit shopping?” A simple, “no mate, your mum wants to be the one to deal with your formal, that’s her job now”. Put it back on her. What a hide she has!

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat
She has specifically said to DH the only contribution you will have to the day is to arrange his suit, and do not speak to him about plans for grad and formal until that has been done and purchased which will be after his exams.

This.

Any chance you can talk to the school about getting extra tickets, OP? They might find a way if they understand the situation.

Is he honestly going to let her tell him what to do like that? I would be saying two words to those demands and the second one would be “off”! Who does she think she is?

I feel really sorry for you, your DH and your DSS. If this is how she usually behaves, it must be excruciating trying to coparent! Just thank your lucky stars that DSS is pretty much an adult now and you soon won’t have to have any communication with her.

What about your DC? Won’t they want to see their big brother all dolled up for his formal? I know my younger kids loved their big brothers’ formals!

Honestly, this too! I’ve see it happen many times over here, both with friends and when I was volunteering at the school. We always worked something out for children of separated and blended families. Believe you me, there are many, many people out there exactly like the OP’s DSS’s mother - everyone at school knew who they were, exactly what they were like, and we went out of our way to ensure that their children weren’t adversely affected by their parent’s piss poor behaviour!