Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I don't know if I misunderstood this, @Samui25 . Who was it who said "this is for me and DS to celebrate" and wanted to exclude the other ?

@saraclara - DSS’s mum.

To be clear, DH never said he was taking me. He messaged DSS’s mum and said. I’ll sort my own tickets thanks and I’ll talk to DS after exams to make plans for dinner.
DSS mum responded that DH was to either go with her or not go at all.
She has now taken all the tickets and blocked him.
DSS from our side has no idea of any of this, we’ve not mentioned it when he’s been here this week. He’s in full study mode and we’ve just been keeping him fed and watered and make sure he gets fresh air and sleep!

I'll believe it when I see it.

I have read the thread, thanks and it sounds like the Mum is all games, and all about herself.

I hope the son speaks up for himself and gets what HE really wants, whatever that be.

My DH doesn’t want to pretend to be a united front with a women he now hardly knows and only gets animosity from.

And yet you expect her to pretend to be a united front with you, a woman who happens to have married her ex and who she only gets disrespect from?

No - op said £5k a month. That’s why I asked if there was some sort of power play here (maybe the wrong word) e.g what is the mums situation, financially? Does she feel it is lorded over her given the amount of maintenance + school fees. Of course it may not be like that - we only have words on a screen to go by and real life is more nuanced and complicated.

Tbh op I think any plans for the tickets have to come from ds. If he is being pressured by his mum then don’t do the same to him. Let him come to his dad if he wants to and just accept that you can also have an amazing celebration with him that maybe won’t be at the actual graduation. Last thing a teenager needs is 2 parents whittling in his ear. Easier said than done I know, but maybe take the high road on this one.

Not at all, where did you get that from? The op expects her to be able to sit at the same table, and in the same room and maintain a civilised manner. Nothing ‘United front ra ra ra’ about that, most of us do this every week with colleagues, family and members of friendship groups.

What did I say about there won't be any Adult events.

The poor kid tons of money, private school and parents that have him like piggy 🐷 in the middle?

Op you should have graciously stepped back.
Hopefully the Mum will actually give his Dad a ticket for himself.

People on this site are absolutely batshit these days.

OP wanted to go to her stepson’s graduation, his mum lost her shit. Her DH is going to quietly ask his son, after his exams, what his preferences are. His mum lost her shit again and took all four tickets. But meanwhile, 100s of posts later, posters on MN are still acting like the OP is the problem here 🤪

The Mum clearly has had years of Op stepping on her toes.
She asked Op to step back.
God only knows what the Dad replied and Mums taken matters into her own hands.

Mums probably taken the logic, kids an adult, nearly out of school, I no longer need to deal with Dad.
School fees are done, kid can get a job, maintenance no longer required.

It would be a bit mean if she doesn't at least give Dad 1 ticket

Just playing devil's advocate here.... four tickets; one for DF, one for DM..would one go to DM's new husband/partner???
If that's the case, then OP would have every right to be heartily pissed off!

This isn’t about the mother. It isn’t her graduation and she is not entitled to ‘take matters into her own hands’ and control who gets to go. It’s up to her son who he wants at his graduation, not her.

The tickets will be given to him to distribute.

Im sorry this has happened op. At the (three) high schools my children have so far gone to, that just wouldn’t have been allowed to happen. Where there is an established separated/divorced parents set up that the school is aware of, each parent is dealt with separately, separate app logins, separate allocation of tickets, separate issues of school photos etc, as there is a history of too many bitter feuding exes, so it is dealt with fairly and efficiently. Mum gets two (or however many) tickets allocated, Dad gets the same. And neither has any access to the others. If somehow an error was made and all tickets were given to one parent, a quick call to the school would see it sorted quickly (I volunteered for one of the schools and this did happen unfortunately a few times, usually having been sneakily engineered by someone exactly like your DSSs mother, and two (or however many of those allocated tickets were rescinded and given to the other parent). It worked well. If the school can’t or won’t sort it for your DH, OP, I hope he is lucky in the ballot.

After all, if you’re not even supposed to be allowed to discuss it with DSS as per the ex’s demands, then it’s very possible that DSS might be left disappointed and confused as to why you, who he clearly has a lovely relationship with, has just decided not to bother showing up for his special day. And all the explaining afterwards could leave a very bitter taste in his mouth (although if that is towards his mother when he finds out that she’s behind this, then it’ll have backfired on her somewhat). I hope it all works out for you whatever way it goes OP, and you can manage to celebrate as a family at some point, even if that’s not at the actual ceremony. With any luck there will be a video recording to purchase, ime there usually is. 💐

Both women seem like the problem here. OP’s first reaction was to run to bed crying, she’s called DM “crazy & irrational”, says she can list loads of incidents where DM has “acted outside the norm”. And consistently refers to everything to do with SS as “we”.
DM no doubt has her own list and clearly there is a very long history here.
When you are a step parent you need to know when to step back.

The Mum clearly has had years of Op stepping on her toes

Oh, do you know them?

Get your DH to talk to your dss in a non judgemental way. Find out what he wants. Do that.

The mother seems to think it's her graduation. It isn't - it's her son's. She is being totally unreasonable. He should decide who he wants there and who the tickets are allocated to.

The other thing that’s occurred to me, @Samui25which I don’t recall you mentioning, is the pre ceremony photographs, which are usually organised by the students themselves and held in a nearby public park or other scenic location close to the venue, about an hour before the ceremony itself. It’s informal and anyone can attend, ime siblings, grandparents etc go along, and there are big group photos and individual photos, family pics etc, all just taken on peoples phones (sometimes there’s someone from the PnC there with a proper camera). That would be a nice opportunity for you and DH to show your support and get some nice family photos, as well as group and individual ones with DSS, and his mother has absolutely zero say on whether you (or anyone else for that matter) attends that part of the day.

But that’s a hard one for an 18yr old who probably doesn’t want to upset those who love him. That’s why I think it should be approached gently and not a hard direct question of ‘who do you want there?’ He probably won’t want to upset anyone. Surely he knows there are only 4 tickets so he can broach the subject with his parents and step mum?

Exactly. There’s nothing to say the DM hasn’t booked all the tickets with the purpose of giving them directly to DSS himself and letting him choose who attends. You don’t know how she’s going to handle this besides making sure OP doesn’t go, which seems to be DSS’s own wishes.

She isn’t a “bitch” - she asked that OP’s DH play nice for one day for the sake of their child together. He made a drama and said that he and OP would “sort their own tickets” - essentially ensuring that OP would go. If she was correct and DSS was upset and wanting one nice day with his parents then she has absolutely done the right thing and both OP and her DH need to calm down, focus on DSS, and speak to him calmly about being happy to do things his way.

I don’t think the op has disclosed whether the son didn’t want step mum there? I’m not particularly on op’s ‘side’ but let’s not make stuff up here

I would imagine that what the DSS actually wants is for everyone to get along and for a ceremony that is meant to have him at the centre actually to be about that and not have become weaponised like everything else in his life.

At this point he probably wishes - if he aware of what’s going on - that the adults could just be adults and play nicely for a day for his sake.
In this case this would mean DH swallowing his pride and saying to the DM “Ok for DS sake just the two of us at the ceremony “ and plastering a smile on for the day and the DSM swallowing her pride and getting on with her day.

Exactly, how the OP doesn't realise to do this, speaks volumes.

Of course she hasn’t! Doesn’t anyone realise how much of a one-sided account of this we’re getting? We have no idea what’s actually happened.

Totally agree.