Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

If you’re genuinely worried that he might think this then your relationship with him isn’t as good as you say it is.

But I don’t reckon you do think he’d think this. I think you just want to go.

And if I’m honest I think a large part of that is to rub his mum’s nose in it.

I think it’s time to be honest about your motives, if only to yourself.

DH tried to register for tickets today and the allocation was exhausted. He messaged DSS’s mum, this is for me and DS to celebrate. You are not welcome and he has now been blocked. Pretty sad and petty behaviour.
He’ll try and get a ballot one, and talk to DSS once exams are over but this is very typical behaviour from her side when she doesn’t get her own way exactly how she wants it.

You honestly haven't listened to one piece of advice from most of the posters.
This needs to stop now for the sake of your ss.
You should have stepped back and your husband texted and said he would attend but maybe miss the dinner if he didn't want to attend that.
His mother may be unreasonable, but you could have avoided all this if you had listened.
You sound as petty as her.

Absolutely. You’ve both brought this on yourselves, OP. You should have just backed off like umpteen people advised you to do.

Also, I note that in your original post you said that this from DSS’s mum had ‘come from nowhere’, but in later posts you said that she’s always been controlling and irrational, that this is typical behaviour, you could list 100s of incidents etc.

Which is it?

I’m still interested in the £5k a month maintenance and school fees for no other reason than I am nosey. That’s a huge amount! Does the mum feel there is a power imbalance here and feel on the back foot and inadequate if these massive amounts have been paid by dad and step mum? But the op does not seem to want to reply.
Does the op feel they have a right to attend the graduation due to how much money they have contributed?

Has dss blocked you or just his mother?

How is the allocation exhausted if you get 4 per family?

@Theunamedcati think the mum has snagged the 4 tickets unless I have read it wrong

But they are going to do that - her husband is, to not pressure him, but so he’s consulted. I feel like we’re reading two different threads.

@IAmKerplunk- yes mum has taken the tickets for herself.
What do you want to know about the maintenance we pay? Happy to answer your questions

You said you paid £5k a month + school fees - is that right? Obviously you don’t have to divulge but I am wondering if there is a power play going on here due to financial contribution. Of course I could be massively wrong 🤣

@IAmKerplunk- i can’t comment on how DSS mum feels.
I don’t feel I have the right to attend due to the money we’ve paid. I only mentioned it as another poster suggested the possibility that DH hadn’t contributed either financially or physically which isn’t the case. DSS’s mum hasn’t been left doing the hard yards.

Yes we pay maintenance and schools fees, plus allowance holidays extra bits as needed.

@IAmKerplunkwhat do you mean by power play?

Does DM have a partner, more kids?

£5k a month maintenance is massive.

You are not his mother. He will want his mother to feel comfortable.

Presumably your household can afford this high maintenance as calculations are based on income. Paying what is required for a child is no flex.

Just how you are acting really. The initial post when you said you would see what he was doing his mother first and then take him for dinner. Not inviting her along is poor behaviour.

Has your husband not asked his son how he feels about all of this?

I was afraid that this would happen. Did your DH not predict this? What a crappy thing for her to do. DH is going to have to have a conversation with his son sooner than he planned, I think. Even if it's just "I tried to book tickets for your graduation, but I was told that your allication has been taken. I'm going to register in case any more become available, but if I'm unable to come, I want you to know that it's not by choice. I'm very proud of you and I was looking forward to being there"

Unbelievable that it's him and you that are paying a huge amount for his schooling, yet you're not allowed to be there.

Wow.

Imagine letting a Father pay for schooling then purposefully blocking him from attending graduation.

Awful behaviour from Mum.

Wow his ex is a massive b*tch if she allocated all 4 tickets to herself . Personally at this stage I would give him a massive hug and kiss before he went in , I would hope his dad goes to the cerimony and then let his ex to her own power trip devise .
I honestly can’t grasp why anyone would behave that way to someone who clearly has been a good step mum and an asset to her son .

Have you read the thread?

And have you understood the subtext?

The son’s mum asked that it would just be the parents at the graduation (and not the stepmum - the OP).

What OP hasn’t told us is that somewhere along the line she and her DH have gone against those wishes (and, we were told, the wishes of the ds himself) and told her that’s not happening. Now they’re complaining that she’s gone over their heads and taken the tickets.

She never, ever blocked the dad from going. She’s always intended him to be there. She just doesn’t want the stepmum there too, which, given her behaviour and the fact they clearly don’t get on, is perfectly understandable.

They are in Australia so it’s 5k AUD - about £2,500.

Still a lot though.

Unbelievable that it's him and you that are paying a huge amount for his schooling, yet you're not allowed to be there.

Not really. The mum said that she and ds would prefer that stepmum didn’t go. They’ve thrown a hissy fit, made it all about them and totally ignored what the boy wanted.

I don’t really blame her.