Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Not twisting. When you read her posts theres a lot of talk of ‘we’, as if she and her DH are the child’s parents.

Also - the crying and ‘taking herself to bed’; the DH being ‘livid’; the ungenerous way she speaks about DSS’s mum - there’s clearly no respect for her. I wonder how she speaks about her to DSS?

There are a lot of indicators that OP is not the easy party in this situation and that she cares more about her entitlement than her DSS’s feelings.

@Jade3450
Thats not about me, that’s about his feelings being hurt that I couldn’t be bothered to turn up to an event for him. To celebrate him, that I had something more important to that be at his event?

The op said nothing wrong at all , she has been a presence in this kid pretty much all of his life and the SS seem to be buoy being with her . As a step mum who adores his step kids myself I can see why she is upset .

It is about you though, it’s about he feels about you, and how you feel about that. It doesn’t have to be some big dramatic thing. It’s one simple conversation.
And you can do something additional if he wants. It also overlooks that he is 18, a time when his peers are a priority.
I really think you need to take a look at your approach to DM, and start from a place that he isn’t yours and work on empathy towards her. The tone is almost what you would use fighting over her ex but it’s her son. You can’t ever be more or equal in his life because she’s his mother.

OP what was the £5k plus school fees that you mentioned? Was the £5k maintenance? Do you feel the maintenance and fees give you a right to be at the graduation?

Right. And he won't give a damn if anyone other than his parents are there. Just leave them be and look after your own kids.

Oh give over. You have absolutely made it about you. All you need to do or for DH to do is say look to avoid any issues @Samui25will not be coming to the graduation. She is very proud of you and we would love to celebrate by having a meal out another night with you.

Its not a wedding or christening where absolutely you should be there, it’s a celebration of DS finishing his school career. It’s not unnatural for that to be centred around DS and his DPs.

Op just say, you thought it would be less awkward if it was his parents and grandparents.

Muscling your way in there is just making it awkward for him and forces him in to a decision on what he does after it.
Who does he stand with before / after? If it's anything like Uni graduations theres a lot of hanging around especially before it.

You'll all go out at the weekend including younger siblings.

You could be honest, your mum would rather I wasn't there, so im going to give her her space and respect her wishes.

You can let him know that you would love to celebrate with him and that he is important to you and also not be there for the ceremony. You can tell him that, out of love for him and so as to not make it awkward you are bowing out of ceremony. You will celebrate with him afterwards. DH does not IMHO need to go to a meal with the ex either !

I'm with you, Samui. You aren't making it about you in an inappropriate way. It's entirely appropriate for you to feel like you have skin in the game. You're not his mother, that's true. But you are his step-mum, and when relationships break down, the women and men that step up and embrace that role like you have ARE important.

You have lived this boy on a pretty much 50:50 basis, he's part of your family, if you were my ex-husband's wife I would be grateful that you have helped make a fractured living arrangement less stressful for my son. I'd be grateful that for half the week/year you'd taken care of him in the way I'd want him to be taken care of. My son does have a step-mum. I think the way she has properly stepped up is some kind of wonderful. She's no threat to me - but she is a brilliant woman to have in my son's life.

And the only person's view I'd want on whether you should be there, is your step-son's. Buy the ticket, wait until after his exams, ask the question. If his mum doesn't feel like she can attend the event with you and your step-son's dad, fine. That's entirely appropriate and understandable. What isn't appropriate is for her and your husband to attend like they are a functioning pair of co-parenting adults, because they're not. I don't understand her motivation, other than spite. Because if tickets aren't limited, she can attend with a proud grandparent, or auntie, or godparent, or her new partner. Love shouldn't be divided - it grows.

She's an arsehole.

“Skin in the game” - she married a man who had a child. It is nice that she has been supportive of SS but she is not owed anything by him and certainly isn’t by his mother. A woman who became a single because DH left her.

It isn’t a commercial transaction. If OP goes to the graduation knowing it would upset DM that’s heartless & unnecessary. And not actually supporting SS because upsetting his mother is not supporting him. It’s making things harder for him as a child stuck between parents who are not together.

OP sounds like she has a very nice life. Multiple children in a home with a committed partner and financial security. But OP you seem obsessed with a woman who has not been so fortunate that you want to muscle in on events with her son because you either want what you feel is due acknowledgement or you are attaching a lot of importance to how SS feels about you to the extent that you declare he “loves” you.

All of that love between parent & child and life events you can experience with your own kids.

Then you make that clear. “You have four tickets to give to whomever you choose. This is your event and your special day. The tickets are yours to hand out and everyone asked to come shall be glad to do so and anyone who is missing out will be more than happy to make up by celebrating thoroughly with you at a planned time afterwards”

Agree. OP owes it to her DSS to back off and allow him and his (suuuper “crazy”) mother the space to focus and celebrate. There are plenty of ways she can assure DSS that she is there for him.

I am also a step-daughter. I have called my step-dad, 'Dad', since I was small. He is my Dad.

I have another, my biological Dad, and I love both Dads, very very much.

Step-parents MATTER.

Yuck.

Why are you acting like this is anything other than the OP has already said? They’ve already said that their DH will check in after his exams and not pressure him?

You are incredibly fortunate.

I had one father - the biological one - and he was a violent, abusive arsehole. I won't say I'm envious of you, because I've made a very positive adult life and have the happiest of marriages, a family of my own, and a collection of very dear, beloved friends. But my lovely mum died far too young, and I do wish I'd had a step dad I could have loved and who loved me like this.

I hope he realises how lucky he is!

I am so sorry. Sorry your dad was a shit, and sorry you lost your mum.

I know I am lucky to have my step-dad. He is, in every way, a father in my eyes. I know it's not that way for everyone, but to me, he is everything. Which takes nothing from my Dad. I actually have a very difficult relationship with my mum - it's my two Dads that have made me who I am.

My son is on his second step-mother - my ex-h is flighty... He really disliked his first. So did I, but that's by the by. I didn't have to have much to do with her. But he hated visiting his dad when he was married to his second wife.

But he LOVES his dad's current wife, and so do I. She is the warmest, kindest, most generous and loving woman. I'd move heaven and earth to include her in stuff like my son's graduation, because I know it would mean a lot to her, and she cares for my son like her own kids. She includes him in all of their big events, so why shouldn't she be included in his big events? I'm his mum. Her existence doesn't change that.

Step-parents are brilliant. Us bio parents HAVE to love our kids. They choose to, and often in the face of hostility from their bio mum or dad. It is such a hard path to tread.

Well said!

Because OP specifically said she would be worried DSS’s feelings would be hurt by her backing off and not going?? That wouldn’t be the case if she outlined the tickets were his to give to whomever he pleased.

Step-parents are brilliant. Us bio parents HAVE to love our kids. They choose to, and often in the face of hostility from their bio mum or dad. It is such a hard path to tread.

@Bloozie THIS

I am both step parent and bio parent to kids with a step parent.

Everyone's lives would be easier if they just put the kids first and took their feelings out of the equation.

I understand there are some situations where it's just impossible to co-parent effectively because the relationship was toxic or abusive, and there are cases where the step-mum or -dad is the reason the marriage ended which make being together in the same room... difficult.

But otherwise - and in the case of the OP - two grown adults were big and bad enough to make a baby, they tried to make a go of it but unfortunately their relationship didn't work out, and now there's a child. Hanging on to resentment for 18 years isn't in the child's best interests, so suck it up and grow up. I have no idea what the OP's husband's ex seeks to achieve here. It's not helping her son, forcing her ex to attend graduation with her in such hostile terms isn't going to make him realise the error of his ways and run back to her... What's the end game, other than pointless game playing and drama?

If your child is 18 years old and you haven't yet managed to form a secure enough bond with him to avoid needing thousands of total strangers at a graduation ceremony to know that I Am His Mother And He Will Never Love Any One Else As Much As Me, And His Father Has Never Moved On.... You've got problems.

That’s great but those are your circumstances. It doesn’t mean DM in this case or SS himself has to feel the same way. Multiple other people with step parents on this thread have said they just wanted their parents.
It’s also clear that there is no love lost between these women.

I think either parent (and step mum) asking the ds who he would like at the graduation is putting him in the middle and an awkward position. He will know how many tickets are available - it is up to him to make his feelings known as to who he would like to invite and if he doesn’t feel able to do that then the assumption must be that only mum and dad attend unless he states different without any pressure from the adults who profess to love him.

Every circumstances is individual as you’ve outlined in your own post.
Clearly there is a lot of conflict between these people.