Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I just feel sorry for the dss because whatever happens he is going to upset someone he loves and who loves him all because the adults are only thinking about themselves.

Exactly. OP seems unable to grasp this point.

Poor kid, selfish adults.

Maybe he'll do what my friend did and tell none of them to come. She was sick of her split parents bickering and they wouldn't even entertain being in the same vicinity and it all got very pick your favourite. She wouldn't and invited her grandparents instead. Serves them right.

...I don’t want it to continue into the milestones of adulthood.

That's a really good point, OP.

You need clarification that this is Mum's doing and if it is as you fear then I do think it would be best to start putting your foot down as a family or you'll be having this argument for big birthdays/weddings/funerals etc.

DSS wasn't even present when she initially got upset so how have OP's 'emotions' affected him?!

True. But this particular poster is determined to twist everything to make the OP the villain. Probably just because she happens to be the stepmum.

If you don't handle this sensitively without upsetting his mum there just won't be any adult milestones, wedding if there ever is one will be an elopement.

You can say we'll go out for family meal at the weekend or do something else to mark the occasion.

If he asks why aren't you coming, you can say you thought it would be nice for it just to be mum but you'd be delighted to come if he wants you to.

I have to ask what funeral do you envisage being an issue?
They are likely to be one side or the other.

Probably seeing his Mum on actual birthday, something to remember your birthday is a special day for your Mum too.

This seems sensible to me.

We wouldn't even call this a graduation... its a leavers do from secondary school.

Honestly I wouldn’t be over upset, I would agree don’t make it into a drama for your DSS. His mum is probably uncomfortable with you there and he’s backing his mum, because she’s his mum. I would make a big fuss of him another day.

You can show DSS you care in lots of ways such as those suggested on here And you can simply tell him you are supporting him by giving him his day with Mum & Dad.

The “we are all sick of…”, he’s not your son. If you’ve spent years arguing with this woman over events maybe it’s because you don’t know when to step back. She’s the mother. And from this thread you don’t. Two children have recently said in this thread that they didn’t want SM at graduation. And in at least one of those they liked SM.

You have your own childen to take to birthday parties etc. this boy is her child.

100%

So if that is your GENUINE worry, then you can get dad to casually say something extremely no pressure

after exams

like ‘I’m excited about your graduation. I was wondering if you’d like it to be just your parents or for samui to attend too. Samui would love to celebrate you but she wants you to feel comfortable so have a think about whether you’d like her there on the day or you’d like to do a special meal out (name idea of place and a date) with me and samui to celebrate you after’

anything other than real enthusiasm for you being there then don’t go. If it’s I don’t mind or she can come if she likes etc don’t go. Only go if it’s Of course she HAS to be there it wouldnt be the same without samui there too!

leaving a woman when pregnant is awful, its happened to me. I feel her pain when she says ‘you owe me this’ - why make her feel shit by parading his new wife on their son’s special day. You don’t need to bring dates to things to do with your kids education. He should be able to deal with turning up alone, she can. As pp have said, imagine if you and your DH have a baby and he leaves you before it’s born then brings new gf /wife to your child’s milestones while you are lonely and alone. If she’s not the most magnanimous forgive her, lots of us aren’t. And I imagine that ‘you owe me’ is because she has bit her tongue and gone out of her comfort zone many times in the past for your DH.

Yet she and others here want the actual mother to quash her own feelings

They should be. United front on making sure their son has a good drama free celebration

I agree. And I bet he would value a happy mum over his sm being there. However, as dad gets ‘livid’ he may fear his dads wrath more so dad and you may well ‘win’ if you put pressure on him, and ruin the day.

Yeah, no. She cried when the son wasn’t there because she was sad. She’s not a robot. The son knows none of this They’ve decided to leave it until after his exams and have the husband ask him sensitively. It would be a bit strange to not actually ask him what he wanted to do. Wouldn’t it? Stop bashing someone unnecessarily, it’s weird.

Huh? I think they’re just making it about what the son wants, presumably?

She didn’t. You forgot to read slowly.

Also what’s the alternative? DH & SM showing up as a “united front” and DM who they know is upset feeling like a spare part at her own son’s event?

People who are posting step parents can’t win are missing the point. It’s about the child, it always about the child. It’s not about whether it’s “fair” on you as it’s not about you.

Exactly.
lots of PP have mentioned weddings. But this is very different. At weddings you invite everyone in your wider family and so of course step parents are part of it, everyone brings their spouse to a wedding - the whole point of weddings is a celebration of the institution of marriage.
but a graduation is totally different, it’s a school based event and the only people that usually go into a child’s school are their parents. I’m assuming (hoping?) op wasn’t rocking up to parents evenings etc.

She only mentioned him to say she’s worried he’ll think she doesn’t care. So it’s about her - again.

She really needs to take the focus off herself and put it onto her DSS.

Absolutely spot on.