Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Thanks all - DSS has a few weeks left of study / exams. DH will talk to him without pressure after that. DH is arranging tickets this week.

It was right there in the OP for you

we live overseas

I like you.

Also, a man who had ditched his previous missus when she got pregnant would not be my choice, but horses for courses.

Be careful she doesnt claim all 4 tickets just to spite his dad.

You know this is going to blow up before exams don't you...

Is there a grandparent or aunt / uncle or someone who'd like to take the second ticket. Which would cause less stress all round?

The fact that the step mum has a mental list of "100" instances of the mum being abnormal slightly suggests the stepmum has a tiny bit of animosity towards the mum, does it not?

And swooning off to her bed does suggest a tiny love of drama on step mum's part?

She needs to stay away.

Sounds like your DH has a good plan @Samui25.

Whatever happens, you both need to remember that although you and your DH consider her a pain, your DSS loves her. He’s not estranged from her, she’s been very involved in his upbringing, etc.

He’ll love her in the same way that you love your own Mum (assuming that you have a good relationship).

This sounds a very calm reasonable approach. She sounds batshit.

How do we know the mum and DS haven’t had a conversation about it? In her initial message she said it was ‘our wishes’.

How do we know they’ve not discussed it and the DS has said “I’d really like to be just you and Dad” but I don’t want to tell stepmum that. And mum has passed this on.

In the past I’ve had to relay uncomfortable wishes from my DC to their dad because they don’t feel able to say it themselves.

The fact that the OP flounced off and burst into tears and the dad was ‘livid’ makes me think DS doesn’t exactly have their sympathetic ear.

‘Flounced’ is a subjective and pejorative word originating on this thread as a description of OP’s behaviour. It is a bit of a stretch IMO and not terribly objective.

The DS has spent a lot of time living with OP and his Dad in addition to receiving his Dad’s financial support (so this wasn’t a situation where the father wanted joint custody to get out of CM). The reasonable presumption is that father and son have a decent relationship, because the son’s wishes would have been taken into account for custodial arrangements.

Also, OP once quoted the mum as speaking for the lad and herself and once quoted her as speaking for herself alone. The truth is up in the air.

Father and son should have a sensitive chat

Good luck to you all @Samui25

OP burst into tears and went to bed on hearing the news.

I think ‘flounced’ is the perfect word. She sounds like a drama queen.

@Jade3450

Any woman who dares to outwardly express their own emotions is classed as a drama queen on mumsnet. Women are only in existence to facilitate others -there is no need for them to have their own wants and needs! They need to put up and shut up. op isn’t doing that which seems to be ruffling a few feathers on here…go, OP!

Yeah, go OP!

Emotionally manipulate the whole situation!

Put your stepson in an impossible position where whatever he does he’ll upset someone!

Look after your own wants and needs!

Where did you get all that from? She said they’re leaving her stepson to get through his exams without stress and then his dad will check in with him afterward to see what he prefers? Are you on the wrong thread?

I get on wonderfully with my stepmum, her and my dad have 2 children together, I adore my siblings. However I didn’t want her to be at my graduation, tbh I never really gave it a thought. I had my dad, my mum and my grandmother. My parents have not been together since I was a baby but I just wanted both my parents there. My stepmum will have those moments with her own children. Part of me was probably trying to protect my mum, they all get on well now but it would have changed the dynamic and made my mum feel like a spare part. Although the graduation was about me, I know it was a huge deal for my mum too and something she’ll always remember.

Just read all your posts OP and I’d lay money on ex not having discussed this at all with DS, hence her attempt to ban your DH from speaking to him about it.

She sounds abrasive and controlling. Ignore her and do what DS wants.

I think @Jade3450 is deffo on the wrong thread!! 🤣

How hard will it be for the DSS to say "SM actually I'd rather you didn't come?"

It has to be done the other way round Dad and Mum are going, let the stepson question why SM isn't going.

But why more @Needspaceforlegoleaving my DSS thinking I don’t care enough to come? My DH doesn’t want to pretend to be a united front with a women he now hardly knows and only gets animosity from. I could understand if this was all new, but it’s not.
I know deep down this is her not him, it’s an exact blueprint of so many things that happened in childhood from parties, to family holidays. We are all sick of this and I don’t want it to continue into the milestones of adulthood.

But why more @Needspaceforlegoleaving my DSS thinking I don’t care enough to come? My DH doesn’t want to pretend to be a united front with a women he now hardly knows and only gets animosity from. I could understand if this was all new, but it’s not.
I know deep down this is her not him, it’s an exact blueprint of so many things that happened in childhood from parties, to family holidays. We are all sick of this and I don’t want it to continue into the milestones of adulthood.

You forgot to mention your DSS again.

Why would your step son think you won’t care enough to go?

Don’t any of you communicate with each other?

He’s old enough to make his own decisions on who attends his graduation. He’s also old enough to be able to tell his own mother who he wants and doesn’t want there. He should be able to tell his mother that he is making the decision, not her.

I feel bad for the DSS, because (as I said way upthread) I was in his position many years ago - and the whole thing still makes me clench up now.
My stepmum insisted on coming to my graduation, my stepdad didn't.

My stepmum insisted on coming for different reasons than OP - she was neurotic about the possibility my dad might get back with my mum.

But re. OP - I feel there's a conflict, maybe even a competition, between Mum & OP, and really in this situation the stepmum has to be the bigger person & step back. He's not your child - he will never feel the same way about you as he does his mum. Maybe he would like you there "deep down", but, maybe not if it's going to cause upset for mum. Maybe she is being unreasonable - but she's his mum and he won't want stress and awkwardness on the day.

Thinking about it now, I understand why some people elope, have "two events" for family milestones etc, when there's angst between remarried parents! I felt the angst at every family event where my "two families" might mix.... it's no fun for the child, we just feel caught in the middle -even if we do like the step-parents.

I don't think it's wrong for you to be there per se, but I do think it would be wrong for you to insist to be there because "deep down you're sure he wants you there." He may, he may not. He may not feel able to to tell you 'no' if asked directly - but if he wants you there, surely he'd invite you - either personally or via his dad?

Er, no.

She’s already made her emotional response very well known by bursting into tears and taking herself to her bed. And DH is apparently ‘livid’.

They’ve then decided they’ll ask DSS what he wants to happen, despite his mum advising they DON’T do this as it will put him in a position where whatever he does will hurt someone’s feelings (either his mum’s or his stepmum’s).