Page 21 | Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

Samui25 · 2025-10-16T21:43:19+00:00

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware. Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing. DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us. DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Miyagi99 · 19/10/2025 17:28

We could only get 2 tickets so my partner stayed at home.

Throwaway65131 · 19/10/2025 18:08

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 11:58

So can you not just focus on them, and let DM have her moment with her son?

You have children on your own to raise, and love and go to graduations etc. You’ll get all these things with your children. You don’t need it with hers.

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This is the opposite of most MN commenters where step children are involved - imagine the backlash if OP was saying she wanted to focus on her ‘own’ child/ren and why should she go to her DSS graduation!

Throwaway65131 · 19/10/2025 18:11

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 09:13

The problem with such threads is the back story is probably too long & too emotionally complex for a thread.
So we get a snippet of DM’s behaviour, which we don’t know whether she is v unreasonable or whether it’s part of an ongoing battle of wills between all the adults.
Id have quite a strong emotional reaction to another woman saying my DS “loves” her.

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Would you not be happy that the step mum treated him well and like one of her own, to the extent he was happy spending time with her? Why would you not want him to love her, especially considering she’s been in his life so much and so long..?

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 18:25

Throwaway65131 · 19/10/2025 18:11

Would you not be happy that the step mum treated him well and like one of her own, to the extent he was happy spending time with her? Why would you not want him to love her, especially considering she’s been in his life so much and so long..?

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Yes to a point. I wouldn’t want to feel that another woman wanted to act as my son’s mother. A supportive partner to my ex in raising my son or a supportive person to my son is different.

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 18:27

Throwaway65131 · 19/10/2025 18:11

Would you not be happy that the step mum treated him well and like one of her own, to the extent he was happy spending time with her? Why would you not want him to love her, especially considering she’s been in his life so much and so long..?

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To a point. Not to the point where dealing with my ex to raise my child we turned into constantly dealing with a “we”. Or where I felt my ability to make life decisions for my own child was undermined

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 18:28

Throwaway65131 · 19/10/2025 18:08

This is the opposite of most MN commenters where step children are involved - imagine the backlash if OP was saying she wanted to focus on her ‘own’ child/ren and why should she go to her DSS graduation!

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It is possible to go too far the other way.

Gabby8 · 19/10/2025 18:32

evertriedeverfailed · 19/10/2025 14:43

Stepparent here. OP, I would let this one go, not because it's fair or right, but because the result is going to be awful whatever happens. The best option is for you to withdraw gracefully.

The outcome will be one of the following otherwise.

Say that DSS says he wants you there, and his mother doesn't go. He will be upset.
Say DSS says he wants you there, and his mother does go, and the atmosphere is awful. He will be upset.
Say DSS works out the implications of (1) and (2), and tries to protect both his mother and the occasion as a happy day by saying he doesn't want you there (when he secretly does). You will be upset, and he will feel guilty. He may then feel resentful for feeling guilty. It is easier to feel resentful towards you (a reliable presence and also not his biological mother) than his mother, so that's not an unlikely outcome.
Say he actually doesn't want you there, not because of his mother or perhaps not even anything to do with you - but because he's worried that it will look a bit over the top if all four tickets are used, and he doesn't like crowds. You will still feel rejected, even if he has reasonable reasons.
Say he doesn't want you there because you annoyed him recently over something trivial/teenage and he just wants a bit of space. Which would be harsh but normal. You will feel rejected and he will feel annoyed at having to justify his choices.

I could go on!

It's our obligation and privilege to support them and expect nothing in return. It's easier to just come to terms with that. Support your DH and DSS, protect your own feelings. Otherwise it's easy to spiral and get bitter.

You also need to plan ahead now for university graduation, weddings etc to see if things can be better by then.

It may feel impossible - but try and understand how someone left during pregnancy, who then sees 'her ex' (from her point of view) being financially-successful and happy with someone else, might still feel. Mothers often do the hard yards emotionally and in terms of the school admin etc. even if the child splits their time equally between both parents. It would be human to feel angry and resentful at feeling judged by the ex's partner, even if you don't actually judge her.

Also remember that she didn't do anything wrong by continuing a surprise pregnancy.

Send DSS an individual, thoughtful graduation congratulation card and arrange a separate celebration just for your family that puts him at the heart of it, rather than your love and support. Protect his feelings. He will notice and appreciate it.

This seems like very sensible advice

Pices · 19/10/2025 19:54

You cannot win as a stepmum. Not only are you meant to love him and include him in absolutely everything including getting your parents onboard with equal Christmas presents etc but then you can expect to be entirely disregarded when it comes to being included in milestone events. ‘Focusing on your own kids’ is just a kick in the tits. If you did that you’d be the wicked stepmum who didn’t include him. It’s complete and utter bollocks. No one, no one should expect to serve a family and then be shat on from a great height. Speak to him and see what he wants. Never mind communicating with his mother who absolutely isn’t putting him first. This isn’t her bloody day. It’s his.

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 20:29

Pices · 19/10/2025 19:54

You cannot win as a stepmum. Not only are you meant to love him and include him in absolutely everything including getting your parents onboard with equal Christmas presents etc but then you can expect to be entirely disregarded when it comes to being included in milestone events. ‘Focusing on your own kids’ is just a kick in the tits. If you did that you’d be the wicked stepmum who didn’t include him. It’s complete and utter bollocks. No one, no one should expect to serve a family and then be shat on from a great height. Speak to him and see what he wants. Never mind communicating with his mother who absolutely isn’t putting him first. This isn’t her bloody day. It’s his.

If you enter a relationship with a person who has a child that can often be challenging. And yes I’m sure it can sometimes feel like a thankless task and a constant balancing act. But it is what it is. Someone up the thread said her DS had a successful step parenting dynamic partly because she was often willing to step back.

AlwaysADramaHadEnough · 19/10/2025 20:37

I think your dhs ex is a twat. Its dss choice. And when she says its ' our decision ' and not to discuss it with dss. I would bet that he's not even aware of the details.
Just get a ticket . You've helped raise him. No way would I stop my ds step mum being part of his big events. She's been in his life since he was 2.5 , now an adult.

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 20:47

evertriedeverfailed · 19/10/2025 14:43

Stepparent here. OP, I would let this one go, not because it's fair or right, but because the result is going to be awful whatever happens. The best option is for you to withdraw gracefully.

The outcome will be one of the following otherwise.

Say that DSS says he wants you there, and his mother doesn't go. He will be upset.
Say DSS says he wants you there, and his mother does go, and the atmosphere is awful. He will be upset.
Say DSS works out the implications of (1) and (2), and tries to protect both his mother and the occasion as a happy day by saying he doesn't want you there (when he secretly does). You will be upset, and he will feel guilty. He may then feel resentful for feeling guilty. It is easier to feel resentful towards you (a reliable presence and also not his biological mother) than his mother, so that's not an unlikely outcome.
Say he actually doesn't want you there, not because of his mother or perhaps not even anything to do with you - but because he's worried that it will look a bit over the top if all four tickets are used, and he doesn't like crowds. You will still feel rejected, even if he has reasonable reasons.
Say he doesn't want you there because you annoyed him recently over something trivial/teenage and he just wants a bit of space. Which would be harsh but normal. You will feel rejected and he will feel annoyed at having to justify his choices.

I could go on!

It's our obligation and privilege to support them and expect nothing in return. It's easier to just come to terms with that. Support your DH and DSS, protect your own feelings. Otherwise it's easy to spiral and get bitter.

You also need to plan ahead now for university graduation, weddings etc to see if things can be better by then.

It may feel impossible - but try and understand how someone left during pregnancy, who then sees 'her ex' (from her point of view) being financially-successful and happy with someone else, might still feel. Mothers often do the hard yards emotionally and in terms of the school admin etc. even if the child splits their time equally between both parents. It would be human to feel angry and resentful at feeling judged by the ex's partner, even if you don't actually judge her.

Also remember that she didn't do anything wrong by continuing a surprise pregnancy.

Send DSS an individual, thoughtful graduation congratulation card and arrange a separate celebration just for your family that puts him at the heart of it, rather than your love and support. Protect his feelings. He will notice and appreciate it.

Best response so far.

BoringBarbie · 19/10/2025 20:55

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 17:17

OP & DH appear to have a nicer life than DM. DM was left as a single mother. OP by contrast is married with multiple kids, and pretty strong finances.
Just let Dm have this one. She is his mother. Let her socialise with the other parents as his mother without SM hovering over it. A SM who has her own life & her own kids and will have lots of life events with them.
I dont know if he is DM only child but if he is than absolutely let her have it.

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He is 18 years old, and his Mum is a grown woman. He has two parents and at least one step parent, who wants to be there to support HIM, not his Mum. If she has a shitty life then maybe she should focus on improving her life rather than scoring points off his Dad.

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:00

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 09:11

To answer a few questions.
DH left DSS’s mum, short term relationship left when she was pregnant. Tried again when DSS was born, but they were not a good match. Split before he was 1.
DSS has been with us for a 4 or 3 in 7 until he was a teen. Then he’d live with us for a few months then with his mum.
DH and I are very financially supportive. Paid 5k per month + private school fees.
he is not a Disney dad.
right now DSS is with us a couple of nights a week, same with mum same with his GF’s. They are NC because she is irrational, demanding and controlling. This was a constant source of stress when DSS was little - but is better now as we can speak to him directly.

You paid £5k a month maintenance or have I misunderstood? Plus all school fees?

Londonrach1 · 19/10/2025 21:01

At graduation you normally only get two tickets and giving one each to your mum and dad is normal. Yabu are this. Poor dss. Its not about you it's about dss. His choice who he wants to get those two tickets. I bet it's been a very hard decision. Make it easier on him by understanding that he feels he needs to ask his mum and dad and it's nothing against you. You being ott re going to bed upset... imagine how dss feels over this.

ThePoshUns · 19/10/2025 21:08

What does DSS want? I can’t see that you have answered that question OP.

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:10

Londonrach1 · 19/10/2025 21:01

At graduation you normally only get two tickets and giving one each to your mum and dad is normal. Yabu are this. Poor dss. Its not about you it's about dss. His choice who he wants to get those two tickets. I bet it's been a very hard decision. Make it easier on him by understanding that he feels he needs to ask his mum and dad and it's nothing against you. You being ott re going to bed upset... imagine how dss feels over this.

Op has already said each student get 4 tickets plus the possibility of more via a ballot. It’s not a uni graduation.

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:17

Londonrach1 · 19/10/2025 21:01

At graduation you normally only get two tickets and giving one each to your mum and dad is normal. Yabu are this. Poor dss. Its not about you it's about dss. His choice who he wants to get those two tickets. I bet it's been a very hard decision. Make it easier on him by understanding that he feels he needs to ask his mum and dad and it's nothing against you. You being ott re going to bed upset... imagine how dss feels over this.

However OP says that DS has 4 tickets to this graduation ceremony

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:18

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:10

Op has already said each student get 4 tickets plus the possibility of more via a ballot. It’s not a uni graduation.

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Apologies for not seeing your post

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:19

ThePoshUns · 19/10/2025 21:08

What does DSS want? I can’t see that you have answered that question OP.

The essential problem appears to be that no one has asked him

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:21

Is it fair to put dss on the spot by asking him though? He will know what his mum is like, his dad already livid and his step mum took to her bedroom crying so it seems unlikely he will feel able to be honest about what he truly wants.

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:23

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 18:28

It is possible to go too far the other way.

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But OP has no idea what is happening. There are 4 tickets. If her DH has a semi decent relationship with his son he can find a way to elicit the lad’s true wishes.

So far the mum is prioritising herself and that isn’t right. OP isn’t the person creating the dichotomy.

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:26

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:21

Is it fair to put dss on the spot by asking him though? He will know what his mum is like, his dad already livid and his step mum took to her bedroom crying so it seems unlikely he will feel able to be honest about what he truly wants.

If this is in the UK graduation is many months away. Time for everything to settle and, if necessary, for counselling.

Needspaceforlego · 19/10/2025 21:32

AlwaysADramaHadEnough · 19/10/2025 20:37

I think your dhs ex is a twat. Its dss choice. And when she says its ' our decision ' and not to discuss it with dss. I would bet that he's not even aware of the details.
Just get a ticket . You've helped raise him. No way would I stop my ds step mum being part of his big events. She's been in his life since he was 2.5 , now an adult.

That sounds like totally different dynamics. It doesn't sound like great dynamics between these two.
Let the mum have her moment.

neilyoungismyhero · 19/10/2025 21:34

Cherrytree86 · 17/10/2025 10:19

You need to know your place as a step mum , OP. You are to skivvy around and support everyone else, give lifts, buy stuff, sacrifice your time etc etc. But you cannot expect anything nice or any consideration from your family members whatsoever, in fact you’re to become invisible if it suits others. Your needs and wants don’t matter one iota. Otherwise you’re “making it all about you” - which is a terrible wicked thing to do. Cos it’s never about you as a stepmum it’s always about others - they come first, not you. That’s the rules of being a stepmum.

Absolutely agree with this.

IAmKerplunk · 19/10/2025 21:38

poetryandwine · 19/10/2025 21:26

If this is in the UK graduation is many months away. Time for everything to settle and, if necessary, for counselling.

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As it’s not a uni graduation (is it a sixth form one?) it could be that it is not being held at the normal end of year and is being held earlier for whatever reason. Or it’s not in the uk 🤷🏽‍♀️