Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Unfortunately, if the OP "let's this one go" then I think it's likely it will never just be this one event.

The precedent will be set for other main life events like engagement parties, weddings, Christening future grandchildren, grandchildrens' birthdays etc. She'll try to dictate that the OP can't attend.

DH's mum stopped him inviting his dad and step mum to our wedding. His mother so I stepped back from getting involved although I disagreed with his dad not being there.

When we had our first child she tried the same for the Christening. As this impacted on our child not just DH I stepped in and said no more. Everyone was invited and it was entirely up to them who attended. They all attended and we've carried on like that since.

This is never going to be a one off. Who gets invited is 100% the decision of the son/step son. I wouldn't discuss this anymore with her at all. Your DH needs to talk to his son.

Graduations do have limited tickets. My niece graduated this summer, 3 family members couldn’t get tickets. We just went for coffee while the ceremony was on but we were park of the rest of the day. Photos and meal and so on.

I honestly don’t get the impression that your desperation to attend is driven on anything else other than it now being some sort of power struggle between you and DSS’s mother. With your poor DH and DSS stuck in the middle. Just think about it - is it absolutely important that you attend the graduation? Can you just put your dss’s wants ahead of your own? Clearly if it came down to it your dss is always going to want his DM there if there is an ultimatum. Let him remember his graduation day for the right reasons, not remember it for there being a power struggle between his step mum and his dm, spoiling his special day. The day isn’t about you.

Yes they are.

I don’t think telling him to disregard others’ feelings is wise.

Life isn’t all about what we want, even on our own “special days.”

Stepparent here. OP, I would let this one go, not because it's fair or right, but because the result is going to be awful whatever happens. The best option is for you to withdraw gracefully.

The outcome will be one of the following otherwise.

1. Say that DSS says he wants you there, and his mother doesn't go. He will be upset.

2. Say DSS says he wants you there, and his mother does go, and the atmosphere is awful. He will be upset.

3. Say DSS works out the implications of (1) and (2), and tries to protect both his mother and the occasion as a happy day by saying he doesn't want you there (when he secretly does). You will be upset, and he will feel guilty. He may then feel resentful for feeling guilty. It is easier to feel resentful towards you (a reliable presence and also not his biological mother) than his mother, so that's not an unlikely outcome.

4. Say he actually doesn't want you there, not because of his mother or perhaps not even anything to do with you - but because he's worried that it will look a bit over the top if all four tickets are used, and he doesn't like crowds. You will still feel rejected, even if he has reasonable reasons.

5. Say he doesn't want you there because you annoyed him recently over something trivial/teenage and he just wants a bit of space. Which would be harsh but normal. You will feel rejected and he will feel annoyed at having to justify his choices.

I could go on!

It's our obligation and privilege to support them and expect nothing in return. It's easier to just come to terms with that. Support your DH and DSS, protect your own feelings. Otherwise it's easy to spiral and get bitter.

You also need to plan ahead now for university graduation, weddings etc to see if things can be better by then.

It may feel impossible - but try and understand how someone left during pregnancy, who then sees 'her ex' (from her point of view) being financially-successful and happy with someone else, might still feel. Mothers often do the hard yards emotionally and in terms of the school admin etc. even if the child splits their time equally between both parents. It would be human to feel angry and resentful at feeling judged by the ex's partner, even if you don't actually judge her.

Also remember that she didn't do anything wrong by continuing a surprise pregnancy.

Send DSS an individual, thoughtful graduation congratulation card and arrange a separate celebration just for your family that puts him at the heart of it, rather than your love and support. Protect his feelings. He will notice and appreciate it.

I think it’s fair enough
sorry but I do

Bite the bullet. He will know how hurt you are to be left out. But at this age he will still give in to his Mother. Agree with another poster, take him out together separately. But at another time your husband is going to have to make it clear to his ex. You are included in everything else

Sorry but nope.

It's HIS graduation.

We only have OP's side of this story so it could be that DSS doesn't want her there or it could be Mum is playing games.

Nothing wrong with DSS knowing that what he wants counts and that he doesn't have to pander to either of his parents to keep them sweet.

Life may not all be about what we want, but it isn't all about what Mummy & Daddy want, either!

OP says that DS has 4 tickets to the graduation

These sound like mum’s wishes, hence telling your husband not to tell DSS. Let him speak to his DS about what he really wants and work from there.

Is there some kind of compromise where the ceremony is just mum and dad and you all have a meal together?
Or if that isn’t suitable could you do a separate celebration another day - 2 dinners for the son - win win!
!

Thing is, she can say that all she wants but her wishes are irrelevant. It's up to DSS who he invites. It's not up to his mother. It's not up to his father. It's solely up to him.

The thing is op, he's not your son? He's hers.

This is a special moment in his life, a lot of people would say its a moment for his mum and dad. But i would definitely defer to him. If he wants you there, he'll say.

Nope.
This special moment is HIS. Not his mother’s.

It should be up to him to decide who’s there and who isn’t. The fact she is his mum doesn’t mean she has to be there or gives her rights that others don’t have. Those ‘rights to be there’ are imo earnt. From the quality of the reiationship one has with him.
We don’t know how well the dss and his mum are getting on. But it would not be unconceivable that he doesn’t want his mum there for example. Or prefers the OP to be there. Or wants both of them because they BOTH had a huge role in his life.

The fact she is pushing to exclude the OP and some posters like yourself are encouraging that isn’t on imo.
This event should be all about the dss. No one else. Not even his mother.

Because to me it’s fundamental he is her son. She literally grew him. It also sounds like she had him in very difficult circumstances. She ahead with it and it clearly hasn’t been easy for her.
While it’s not inconceivable that a son doesn’t get ok with his mother, most 18 year old boys are fond of their mothers. And DSS is currently living with his.
And as for his “special day”, I doubt he cares that much, he’s 18 he probably cares about his GF and mates & having fun more than anything. He’s not a bride. it probably does have more significance to his DM.

I am sorry that you received that text.
Very upsetting.
I know tickets are very limited.
I think if you take a step back , I know that you are in his life and have been part of his upbringing and his future , things will have a way of working themselves out.
In the end most people prefer to do their own thing after the ceremony , been there , done that , and plans really do change.
I can understand why you are upset but this is one day in his life and she is being a cow.
You can celebrate the day after or straight after the ceremony . Nothing will change , you are still part of his life .

Outside of the norm like bursting into tears and ‘taking yourself to bed’?

'Banned' is also a bit reminiscent of the drama triangle. Step back.

I thought this.
Stop policing everyone and concentrate on YOUR DCs.

This is a common scenario with graduations of every child of divorced parents. Deal with it, I’d say. The young person chooses.

He just needs to ignore her and organise what you and he are going to do directly with DSS. He's 18, you don't need any further contact with her- DH can block her and forget she exists beyond being civil to her if she happens to be somewhere he is.

OP & DH appear to have a nicer life than DM. DM was left as a single mother. OP by contrast is married with multiple kids, and pretty strong finances.
Just let Dm have this one. She is his mother. Let her socialise with the other parents as his mother without SM hovering over it. A SM who has her own life & her own kids and will have lots of life events with them.
I dont know if he is DM only child but if he is than absolutely let her have it.

The mum needs someone in her life who will tell her she's being an a-hole, esp if OP had been a good step mum to the son. The problem is, this can not come from OP nor her partner and most 18 year olds don't have the maturity to tell their parent's to stop being dicks. It puts DSS between a rock and a hard place. I would speak to DSS to ascertain his thoughts and also to gage how much pressure he is put under from his mum.
However, this is probably something you and DSS will have to navigate again when/if he gets married. I doubt there will be any winners here.

I don’t want a good SM for my son (not an issue currently), I want to raise him. Who goes on the journey of pregnancy & babies & thinks do you know what would be great if I didn’t get to see my kid 50% of the week.

Part of being a good SM is realising this is hard, knowing when to step back and not trying to take over the role of the mother. And also stepping back and letting DH do it. Not everyone has to be a “we” when it comes to a child that’s isn’t yours.