Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

@Samui25 what does your dss say?

Im getting that he’ll feel stuck between a rock and a hard place but I’d concentrate on how he feels, what would work for him.
This is the first of many other events where his mum will be digging her heels to you attending. Think graduation from Uni, weddings etc etcetc….

Id make preserving your relationship with your dss the priority. Both for your dh and for your sake.

So can you not just focus on them, and let DM have her moment with her son?

You have children on your own to raise, and love and go to graduations etc. You’ll get all these things with your children. You don’t need it with hers.

There could be 2 reasons, 1. Dss knows nothing about this email and it’s all his mum who doesn’t want to be in the room with op, or 2. Dss has been uncomfortable for years and has been complaining to his mum who has then sent the email - and it really could be either way.

those of us who are step parents tread a careful line, thankfully we hope we have it nailed but it’s not an easy balance

⬆️⬆️ this too.
This controlling behaviour and you need to treat it as such. Not as a personal attack (which is the aim but you don’t have to accept it as such!). The more detached you are from her digs, the easier dealing with it will be.

Absolutely.

Btw I went to DD’s passing out with my ex, the spare tickets went to her boyfriend and sister not my dh. Know when to be the bigger person. (We have had the opposite experience with dsds mum, she asks me to step in!)

You’re missing the point.
The OP has been in his life for years. She is part of the family.

Why do you think there are 4 tickets available ler students? To allow for exactly that.
A graduation isn’t the place to try and fight, redress or even out what one parent sees as ‘unfair’.

Leave your DH to deal with it until there's a solution.
Don't be involved in the back & forth texts, your DH is grown enough to handle it without showing you each and every text.

He's the one to talk to DSS, basically step back and let the three of them sort it.

No I’m really not. So what if she’s been in his life for years. That doesn’t make her his parent. I’m not “missing the point” because I don’t agree with you

The way she has described another women is awful, while at the same time lauding herself for her own role in his life and declaring that DS loves her. I take real issue with it. It’s awful. And from a woman who is a mother herself! If DH leaves tomorrow Op and you end up rearing your children 50% away from you, see how you get on, maybe another woman would describe you as “controlling & irrational”.

@the7Vabo projecting much - Are you recently divorced?

Not at all. Fully married. I just don’t like women talking this way about other women. Have strong feelings about it. Very strong. There’s enough men out there describing women as crazy without women chipping in.

And I don’t need to be divorced to have basic human empathy for another woman.

And that’s your response, “projecting much”?!

I dont understand why you're so angry at the op. Sometimes women are crazy and irrational. They dont get a pass on it because of their sex. Her husband's ex is obviously lying to them about the son not wanting her there.

@the7Vabo Being a woman should not make someone exempt for being called out on bad behaviour. 2 X chromosomes are not a get out of jail free card!

Also, it’s good to extend empathy to all other humans, irrespective of chromosome make-up.

The person I feel really sorry for here is the son. This behaviour likely won’t stop here but will continue all throughout his life, perhaps the mum won’t attend the wedding if OP is there, will not talk to DS if he has kids and takes them to ‘the other’ grandparents house etc. That’s a woman deliberately hurting her child, and being a woman is no excuse for it.

If the OP had written the same thing in an entirely different way, I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

Something along the lines of “things weren’t always easy, she was understandable upset at DH leaving, I get that she had to deal with her young child being away from her, it’s wasn’t easy…..” Anything that demonstrates a bit of empathy, kindness or understanding.

But it all comes across as we’ve done nothing wrong, her son loves me, look at all our plans for him and she is “crazy and irrational”.

People are not by default “crazy”, people sometimes have hardships in life.

And no story is ever one sided.

@the7Vaboyoy are either married or unmarried. You can’t be ‘fully married’ - what is the difference from being fully married to married?
I agree you shouldn’t tear people down without reason. Being a woman doesn’t give you a hall pass for being awful to other people, regardless of gender. DSS’s mum is challenging at best! I can list 100’s of scenarios where she has demonstrated outside of the norm behaviour.

I am married, is that enough for you? I’m not separated or divorced. So yes, married.

You haven’t demonstrated any empathy towards her at all. Even though her life circumstances have clearly not been easy.

I never said she should get a hall pass, I said I don’t like your language. It’s lacks empathy and it’s not a nice way for a woman to talk about another woman.

So maybe instead of listing her sins, stand in her shoes for a minute and think about how you might feel if you found yourself pregnant in her circumstances. And think about how you might feel, really feel on an emotional level if you couldn’t put your young child to bed 50% of the time. And maybe you might do some thing you might not be proud of. Because you are human. And so is she.

It’s on the DH to figure out a way to talk with his DS in order to elicit the young man’s true wishes. Assuming OP and her DH are confident that they can behave well no matter what, DH can reassure DS that they want to celebrate with him as he prefers.

This ought to be possible. OP may not be fully objective - no one is - but if her quotations are accurate the mum is prioritising herself , not the DS. If mum is allowed to establish a precedent now I wouldn’t bet on OP being invited to further life events either. When PP’s are writing (in so many words) ‘this isn’t his wedding’ I’m think ‘yet’.

If there were only 2 tickets everything would be different.

There is absolutely a way for DH to have a chat with DSS without putting him on the spot. "There are 4 tickets, would you like to give two to your friends? Or any of your siblings, aunts/uncles, sm?" and let him lead the conversation. No judgement, no reaction. Ultimately they are his tickets to give away, and that includes to parents nevermind stepparents.

If things are that bad I also wouldn't want a joint meal with NC parents, so instead would ask DSS if he'd like to do dinner with his mum on the day, and something separate with you both another time.

If everything you say is true then she's behaving really poorly towards her son, but there are two sides to every story and its always possible he really does just want his parents and no extended family on the day.

This exactly.
Step back let Mum have her proud mummy moment without anyone else muscling in.

Doesn’t Sound like DSS is aware this is going on re tickets. DH should organise his own tickets for the graduation and work out with DSS after exam stress. He’s 18 and able to speak for himself. No need for mum and dad to arrange behind his back, it’s not like it’s a surprise event he doesn’t is happening

I feel that staying away is kindest to your step son. I imagine he doesn’t want to upset either of you and you being there will upset his mum, but he wouldn’t want to ask you not to come as he likes you too. So taking a step back and saying ‘we can celebrate you finishing school when we go out for dinner on Saturday’ or something like that. If he then insists on you coming, fine.

But at the moment he is completely in the middle. Completely not your doing, but if you really care about him be the bigger person and be proactive.

What does your dss want?
What is your relationship actually like? Other than paying for stuff how much time does he spend with you both? It's not clear from your updates

The day is about DSS.

His Mum doesn't need 'her day'. It's not her day.

If DSS wants you there, you should be there. If not, then not.

100% his choice.

I agree with a previous poster who suggested DH speaking to DSS and asking him who he wants to have the 4 tickets, pointing out that it is HIS decision only and that he doesn't need to worry about anyone's feelings in the matter.

This, IMO it’s largely up to him. I’d tend to think he really doesn’t need two mothers there.

A sister in law of mine (divorced) is currently very upset because the step mother is insisting on attending - with his father - her son’s graduation from a military academy (not in the U.K.).