Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

So he walked out on her when she was pregnant?

@Samui25 you’re not his mother. You chose to enter a relationship where there was a child already there with a mum and dad. This is it. Just let it go and have a nice day to yourself and then celebrate with DSS the following day or the night before.

@Jade3450

pregnancy don’t magically turn a wrong relationship into a right one

She sounds like a witch! Abide by her wishes?!

Ignore her and keep your two tickets. Either you and DH both go, or both take DSS out for celebrations afterwards.

Rereading your original post and the consequent way you discuss ss, you sound heavily and emotionally involved with him. Crying over not being invited to a 18 year olds formal? It's total overreaction, you are making this bigger than it needs to be. It's not a graduation. Please think of your ss, you are all probably going to ruin this for him.

At the end of the day, you are not his mum. It sounds as if she feels pushed out and the way you have described things, I can really understand her position. Let the two of them go for the graduation and then you both celebrate the next day. You can discuss the day and make it enjoyable. Be the mature adult.

Let it go OP. It’s not worth it. If you are close to DSS you can send/give him a nice card telling him you are proud of him. My DSS will graduate next year, there are only 2 tickets and my plan is to do the card thing.

I also think OP should let it go. I don’t agree that the DSS should be asked as it puts him in a difficult position where his option would inevitably upset at least one parent. Both of whom he loves This is too much of a burden . Neither should he be asked about what he said to his mum. That is between him and his mum and again places him in a difficult position .
OP and DH should make it clear to DSS that she is proud of him, would love to be there but that it’s easier if she’s out of the equation and that they will have their own celebration . And she should try to keep her tears and upset away from DSS.

@Diarygirlqueen I think mum feels pushed out too. There's been no mention of step-dad or any other children.

There's obviously a whole back story.
Op going off crying isn't right either.
Who's the one creating the drama?

I can honestly see this as the last event that he boy is ever involved with. More hassle than its worth to attend uni graduation.
He might never marry but if he does it will be an elopement.

DS is mum’s baby and because she had him in an unstable situation where the man left her she has to have her child living away from her from we he was very young.
Obviously he is DH’s son too and DH has supported him & cared for him. And DH is entitled to some custody, but that is heartbreaking as a mother. I always thought very young children live primarily with the mother.

OP clearly adores DSS. And it’s hard to fault someone for being nice to a step-child. But declaring another woman’s son “loves” you gives me pause for thought.

Respectfully OP, your DSS still has his mother who carried him in her womb for 9 months. Allow her the dignity of celebrating this milestone stone with him without you.

This will not invalidate your relationship with him and the mutual love between the two of you.

It doesn’t have to be an issue. My DSis has always had a very loving relationship with her DSS, she loves him as much as her own 3 DC. She was also his main carer whilst DSS was a teen (he’s now 28 years old and has a family of his own).

OTOH, she was also very careful not to overstep any boundaries, she never posted anything about him on Facebook for example. She stayed in the background where parents’ evenings were concerned and didn’t interfere.

The impression I get from this thread is that the stepmum might have given the impression of trying to usurp the the role of mum (whether intentional or not) and put her back up.

DSS’s mum didn’t try to push my DSis out, she actually backed her when DSS tried to play them off against each other.

It worked because the adults involved were all on the same page and co-parented effectively.

That clearly isn’t the case in the OP’s scenario as the 2 parents are NC and there is very obvious hostility between the DSS’s mum and stepmum. I can’t see how this is going to change now, sadly.

Of course you can love your stepmother.

It doesn’t diminish your love for your mother and any rational adult should understand that

I don’t think it has to be an issue either, and agree that I think the issue here seems that it’s likely to do with boundaries.
It might also be a lot more intense if DSS is the only child.

The only person who can tell us how he feels about his step mother is the DSS and he’s not here (hopefully!).

I don’t know why the OP felt the need to declare DSS loves me while giving out about his mother. It feels somewhat compeditive.

This!

You think it's fair enough that his mother had decided who is allowed at his graduation because of what she's owed and also banned him from discussing it with DS so he has no idea if DS even knows why SM won't be there?

Then speak to him directly. Explain as it's his graduation the three of you thought it should just be his parents there to celebrate together but you want to celebrate afterwards with him (another day) by doing X. e's old enough to understand

She was “irrational, demanding and controlling” when DS was a young child. I’d like to hear version of that.
DM had to cope with her young child living away from her. There’s something hugely fundamental about that. Most of the time mothers do a lot of nurturing of young children and she has that taken away from her because of the circumstances in which DS was born and the fact that your DH left her.
Broken homes aren’t great for kids a lot of time but they often aren’t great for a parent’s mental health either. I “control” my kids everyday by deciding what they watch, what they eat and what hobbies they do. So was she “controlling” or did she just want to be her young child’s primary care giver which is fair enough as she is his mother!

This is about your DSS, not you. It sounds like you have a good relationship so he will feel very uncomfortable hurting you. However, it is extremely rare that a step parent means more to a child than their mum, even if their mum is a bit shit. Children have to deal with so much of the crap from their parents divorcing. They have to live in two places, balance their parents emotions, meet and live with stepparents and juggle all these warring adults at major vents which probably stops them enjoying those events. I think your DH should have a chat about it with his son without putting any extra pressure on him.

There isn’t evidence in this case that his mum is a bit shit.

OP constantly refers to “we”, it’s not DH can now talk to his son more freely as he is older, it’s “we” can. Everything is “we”. But only DH is the parent.

Mum meanwhile is described as “controlling & irrational” at a time when she was coping with being separated from her young child.

Speak to the son.

Say I don’t want you to be put under any stress and I’ll do whatever is best for you but I would like to celebrate your achievement. So ask him. If he wants you there but doesn’t want to upset mum reassure him you can do something else
instead. Maybe plan together what you could do. A weekend away or a meal out the weekend before or after. You will look like the bigger person and he will appreciate having somebody so reasonable (who puts his best interests first)in his life.

If he does want you there regardless of the stress I’m not sure how you can handle it.

We only have OP’s word that the mum was ‘controlling and irrational’. She (presumably) wasn’t there at that point. As others have pointed out, the mum has had a difficult situation to navigate.

We also only have OP’s word for it that she has a very close relationship with her DSS, that he loves her and she’s been ‘involved’. Something about the way she describes it all - including the mention of the financial support they give/are planning to give - doesn’t ring true at all. She also sounds controlling.

@Samui25 so your DH can talk to DS/DSS directly when he visits and get to the bottom of it. If there are 4 tickets available and if DS does not tell his Dad he doesn’t want you there, you can apply for two tickets.

The ex is trying to be controlling and likely DSS wants everyone there but she is probably saying she won’t go if you’re there and that’s forcing DSS into a tight spot.

But you can all get tickets and you and DH can arrive separately and sit further back if need be (or you could sit further back). Just don’t discuss the event with her. She can do what she likes but she can’t tell you what to do. Just don’t engage.

I could write a book about control-freak behaviour like this I’ve witnessed, I don’t even get annoyed anymore but I don’t enable it either (which kind of used to happen until I wised up).

OP also doesn’t seem to have any empathy for the boy’s mum.

OP, do you have any DC of your own?

@Jade3450yes we do