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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

1000 replies

Samui25 · 16/10/2025 22:43

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

OP posts:
partytimed · 18/10/2025 20:48

I think because you all barely communicate and don’t get on expecting to have a group meal was a bit left field and it sounds as though it would be highly awkward for all involved. Let his parents do this and unclench a bit. I feel sorry for the boy, the hysterical reactions are so OTT

CornishGem1975 · 18/10/2025 20:57

@the7Vabo Absolutely. I agree. It's not about the parents, it's about the child. Bio mum seems to be forgetting that though.

APTPT · 18/10/2025 21:49

Bio mum? You mean "mum."

Jade3450 · 18/10/2025 22:45

I think OP has gone, but I wonder how much of the time the DSS actually spends at their house vs with his mum?

She mentioned he was a ‘bit stressed’ with exams, but tbh I reckon she has no idea. She seems to paint the mum as the villain here but I’m not so sure. I think frank and open conversations have been had between mum and son and the mum is relaying his wishes to the dad. Meanwhile stepmum has lost her shit and made it all about her.

Original poster
Samui25 · 19/10/2025 00:53

DH messaged DSS’s mum and got the following response.
If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 19/10/2025 01:03

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 00:53

DH messaged DSS’s mum and got the following response.
If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story.

Exactly, it was HER wishes. He never should have replied to her. He should have spoken with his son. He still should speak with his son, and make sure the school don't give all 4 tickets to her.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 19/10/2025 01:04

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 00:53

DH messaged DSS’s mum and got the following response.
If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story.

You never did answer the question about whether he cheated on her with you?

Poppyseeds79 · 19/10/2025 01:06

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 00:53

DH messaged DSS’s mum and got the following response.
If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story.

Why is DH not just skipping the drama and asking DSS exactly who he'd like to attend the ceremony?

It seems totally baffling that wouldn't be the go to response to do?

Sickleg · 19/10/2025 02:58

If only 2 tickets, Parents should go graduate ceremony but certainly don’t have to sit together nor should they.
Dinner can be separate one for you & DH . DM can do own thing . Unless it’s a big group event .

Original poster
Samui25 · 19/10/2025 03:10

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice- no he did not.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 19/10/2025 04:10

If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story

It’s not up to her to dictate who is welcome, or indeed, how the story goes. She sounds demented.

PollyBell · 19/10/2025 04:40

CornishGem1975 · 18/10/2025 20:57

@the7Vabo Absolutely. I agree. It's not about the parents, it's about the child. Bio mum seems to be forgetting that though.

The child only has one mum, so how on earth is 'bio' needed?

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 04:41

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 03:10

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice- no he did not.

When you say you have “positively contributed” to DSS upbringing and that he “loves” you, do you think that perhaps DM feels that you have overstepped?

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 04:49

Jade3450 · 18/10/2025 22:45

I think OP has gone, but I wonder how much of the time the DSS actually spends at their house vs with his mum?

She mentioned he was a ‘bit stressed’ with exams, but tbh I reckon she has no idea. She seems to paint the mum as the villain here but I’m not so sure. I think frank and open conversations have been had between mum and son and the mum is relaying his wishes to the dad. Meanwhile stepmum has lost her shit and made it all about her.

Not sure about this, but we have almost no background. Is DM would up because she’s v unreasonable or is there a backstory here?

Who left who? If there is almost no contact has there been sufficient financial support? Is dad in buying suits and holidays being a Disney dad. Does dad do fun while Mum does the hard work such as dealing with the exam stress?

Jade3450 · 19/10/2025 07:15

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 04:49

Not sure about this, but we have almost no background. Is DM would up because she’s v unreasonable or is there a backstory here?

Who left who? If there is almost no contact has there been sufficient financial support? Is dad in buying suits and holidays being a Disney dad. Does dad do fun while Mum does the hard work such as dealing with the exam stress?

Show quote history

Exactly. I wonder.

OP - how many nights a week does DSS stay with you and his dad?

Pices · 19/10/2025 07:23

Speak to DSS. His mother doesn’t get to decide who is at graduation. What a complete bitch. I’d sort this now as there will be more things like weddings etc. I wouldn’t speak to her at all about it. Ask DSS what he would like to do. If his mother can’t be civil and doesn’t speak to anyone on the day that’s up to her.

CinnamonBuns67 · 19/10/2025 08:07

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 00:53

DH messaged DSS’s mum and got the following response.
If you can’t abide by my wishes then you are not welcome, end of story.

She sounds just like my SD's mum. Honestly don't message her about it, it's not up to her he needs to speak to DSS and get to know his wishes. Also just in case he should buy is own ticket/s, she cannot stop him going to their sons events. Is she used to using the "if you don't do what I say you don't get to be part of this" card and getting what she wants?

GAJLY · 19/10/2025 08:42

Don't speak to her about it. Your husbanf should speak directly with the son to get the truth, then whatever the truth is, respect it. If he doesn't know what you're talking about and says, he's of course you can both come; then ring the school to make sure you both get 2 tickets each. That way she doesn't grab all 4 and controls who comes.

Jade3450 · 19/10/2025 09:05

I’d love to know the real back story here.

Original poster
Samui25 · 19/10/2025 09:11

To answer a few questions.
DH left DSS’s mum, short term relationship left when she was pregnant. Tried again when DSS was born, but they were not a good match. Split before he was 1.
DSS has been with us for a 4 or 3 in 7 until he was a teen. Then he’d live with us for a few months then with his mum.
DH and I are very financially supportive. Paid 5k per month + private school fees.
he is not a Disney dad.
right now DSS is with us a couple of nights a week, same with mum same with his GF’s. They are NC because she is irrational, demanding and controlling. This was a constant source of stress when DSS was little - but is better now as we can speak to him directly.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 09:13

Jade3450 · 19/10/2025 09:05

I’d love to know the real back story here.

The problem with such threads is the back story is probably too long & too emotionally complex for a thread.
So we get a snippet of DM’s behaviour, which we don’t know whether she is v unreasonable or whether it’s part of an ongoing battle of wills between all the adults.
Id have quite a strong emotional reaction to another woman saying my DS “loves” her.

Thatweegirl · 19/10/2025 09:13

OP just let this one go honestly. At this stage even if DSS says he wants you to go it will be so awkward and unpleasant for everyone. It's his HS graduation, not his wedding.

It is also really likely he will say he wants you there even if he doesn't because he doesn't want to upset his dad. The poor child can't win. Let him be, and let him have this with his mum and dad.

I can imagine if I were him and my dad had a new partner and my mum didn't I would probably feel very protective of my mum.

Stop thinking of what you think is 'right' or 'fair' and start thinking about what is best for DSS. Cos believe me, in no world is all this drama what is best for him.

diddl · 19/10/2025 09:16

They are NC because she is irrational, demanding and controlling. This was a constant source of stress when DSS was little - but is better now as we can speak to him directly.

But not about this?

What a drama!

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 09:18

Samui25 · 19/10/2025 09:11

To answer a few questions.
DH left DSS’s mum, short term relationship left when she was pregnant. Tried again when DSS was born, but they were not a good match. Split before he was 1.
DSS has been with us for a 4 or 3 in 7 until he was a teen. Then he’d live with us for a few months then with his mum.
DH and I are very financially supportive. Paid 5k per month + private school fees.
he is not a Disney dad.
right now DSS is with us a couple of nights a week, same with mum same with his GF’s. They are NC because she is irrational, demanding and controlling. This was a constant source of stress when DSS was little - but is better now as we can speak to him directly.

Do you have kids?

Jade3450 · 19/10/2025 09:19

Thatweegirl · 19/10/2025 09:13

OP just let this one go honestly. At this stage even if DSS says he wants you to go it will be so awkward and unpleasant for everyone. It's his HS graduation, not his wedding.

It is also really likely he will say he wants you there even if he doesn't because he doesn't want to upset his dad. The poor child can't win. Let him be, and let him have this with his mum and dad.

I can imagine if I were him and my dad had a new partner and my mum didn't I would probably feel very protective of my mum.

Stop thinking of what you think is 'right' or 'fair' and start thinking about what is best for DSS. Cos believe me, in no world is all this drama what is best for him.

Very, very sensible post OP. I would take heed if I were you.

The best thing for everyone here is for you to remove yourself from this situation and bow out.

The poor kid.

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