Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

The child should always be at the centre of these things.

I agree but it's never the mum that has to put the child at the centre.

Nonsense.

I have been the child in a similar situation. Both my parents were sane people. My former stepmother was absolutely batshit (probably shouldn't say that because she did spend some time on the psych ward but god, the things she did), always trying to draw attention to herself. When I was 12 she came to a birthday party at my mother's invitation and proceeded to go around aggressively describing my brothers and me as her children.

You shouldn’t even ask him. Way too much emotional pressure. How could he possibly tell his dad that he doesn’t want you to be there? This is exactly the sort of thing to avoid. Better that your SS misses having you at an event, than secretly resents you for being there.

What if he does want her to be there, his Mum is lying so she isn't then he thinks OP doesn't care?

The parents don't even get on and are basically NC, who would want to have a sit down meal with only the two of them? Couldn't think of anything more awkward than having a meal with my parents together (shudders).

And he's 18, not a baby. It's not emotional pressure to ask your almost adult son something. Doesn't need to be more than 'hey, what are you thinking for dinner afterwards? No pressure, up to you if you just want me and your Mum there on the day, or if you'd prefer a bigger celebration'.

Do people not speak to their teens?!

If I were your DH, I’d keep it casual with my DS and say something like: Who do you want to invite to your graduation? I saw online that there’s four tickets per graduate.

Don't suggest anyone and if DS says Mum, Dad, and two grandparents, for example, accept it and move on.

I’m a hell of a lot older than 18, and I’d struggle to say no I don’t want you there to or about someone. It’s v awkward.

Agree, the point is he’d probably love it if all 3 of you were there we as a big happy family but he knows that’s not the case, DH would be putting him in a very awkward position asking him what ‘he wants’ what is he meant to say that would genuinely please everyone? The OP can still show she cares about him and his achievement at a separate celebratory meal

I think the reason it could be the ex just saying that is that the DS is also going to know that his parents aren't a happy family either, so it seems strange he'd want that.

If he doesn't want to ask him, could you not go to the graduation ceremony but not the meal? DS won't even be sitting with you and you're supporting the important part of the celebration.

Plan a celebration for DSS. Make it a surprise for when he is due for his next visit. I know it's heartbreaking that you are being excluded. Been there, got the t-shirt. DH was invited to his 2nd son's graduation. He didn't go as I was deliberately snubbed by the mother.
I'm afraid that your DSS's mother is doing what so many do. I just hope that she doesn't do what my DSS's mother did.

DSS wanted to be a mechanic. We have a prestigious garage in our village. Whilst DSS was staying for a few days he went to the garage and enquired about an apprenticeship. They asked for a CV and for him to fill in an application form. He was given the apprenticeship, to start in a month's time. He was so excited and really looking forward to the job. He went home as he needed his clothes etc. We called in at the garage to ask about arrangements for his start date to be told his mother had phoned and said he wasn't going to do the apprenticeship. They said he could still do it if he wanted to ; just let them know.
When we spoke to DSS he was distraught but his mother refused to let him take this wonderful opportunity.
8 years on, instead of having a well paid job, he's going from dead end job to dead end job.
He would have had the world at his feet. We also have connections which would have given him the chance to do so much more.
So sad.

Will he be comfortable telling you if he doesn’t want you there though?

Agreed. Also just to add what others have said - often there is a two ticket limit anyway.

Just to add what the op has told us, they get 4 tickets and she has not for so much as a second contemplated or expected to take the mums ticket.

Your husband didn't go to his child's graduation because their mom snubbed you? How sad for their child.

Mum needs to accept that there is now znother woman is DSS life. Mum spunds like the type if she got a husband would tell dad he cant go and to not yell DSS

4 tickets only solves part of the issue.

Before the ceremony who does he stand with Dad & Op or Mum either way hes in a no win situation hes snubbing someone.

Can he actually get a photo of him and BOTH parents together without noses getting out of joint?

After the service who gets to take him out to lunch / dinner?

Puts him into a shit position.

If his parents can't be civil enough to each other and support him together show a united front this will probably be the last family event the guy ever has.

Clearly there is some frostiness between Mum and Op but at least if Dad and Mum can mange there is half a chance he could trust them all to be adult enough to deal with life events in the future.

Once you have a child they should be no. 1. The husband let his son down. You being snubbed by the mother has nothing to do with the son you don’t take it out on him.

I just don't understand all these young adults who supposedly want their parents to have a nice dinner with them when their parents are divorced and dont talk. I have had some of these dinners or meals with my parents (not at my behest) and frankly they are awkward and boring.
Yes everyone is polite and noone brings up the affair that caused my dad to leave of course and just make small talk about the weather and so on. they have nothing in common, they are two adults who produced a child yes. But that was 20 years ago and they've been apart more than they've been together. Frankly I did not enjoy these meals and I certainly would have preferred to have a more jolly separate events.

@PaterPower

I agree with the vast majority of your post except where you say "hopefully DSS has grown a pair by then". That is so unfair.

The text was from the mum - you have no idea if he was even aware of what she sent. Also, he is a kid - about to do some major exams and honestly is stuck in the middle in this. Why should a kid have to manage 3 much older adults?

Everything else you said I agree with though.

@Samui25 I am sorry you received that text. It wasn't very nice. But I think stepping back / being less emotional will help. I am sure if you don't end up going you can celebrate DSS in another way - separately.

If his parents can't be civil enough to each other and support him together show a united front this will probably be the last family event the guy ever has.

Once you're divorced, you're not a family anymore.

I can't imagine ANYONE want to display a photo of themselves with their divorced parents. And neither of the parents will want that either. So bizarre.

This is a very odd statement!
I have lots of pics of me with my divorced parents, we are still a family!
We all still spend Xmas together, holiday together etc.

Not everyone is daggers drawn after a divorce!

OP it sounds like the mother is shit stirring, but I have no idea of the backstory.

This. I sincerely doubt the son has asked for any of this roleplaying since his parents are no contact and normally have no relationship. They're not cosy co-parents, they have been parallel parenting. Also OP has been with her partner for 16 years, so the 18 year old son would have very few memories, if any, of his parents being together. It is a bizarre request and the cheek of delurking from non contact to make it is mind blowing.

Very odd indeed. My son’s graduation pictures have all three of us together and we’re all happy with them. As are both his stepparents.

Ah well, fuck ‘em, OP! Go and do yourself nice for yourself that day instead! Spa day? Bottomless brunch with your friends? Whatever you fancy. Enjoy! 😀🍹

It’s not about the parents it’s about the child! How is that so hard to understand? It’s not a couples picture it’s a picture of a child with their parents.

Once you have a child with someone you are linked to them for life whether you like it or not. You are both still the child’s family.