Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

By that I mean weddings, grandchildren etc. It was a one off and you are playing fair xx

Your husband should have discussed it with his son and found out what his wishes were before bringing it to you.

Agree. Husband is lowkey stirring here too.

I always get my DP to check with his ex wife that she is okay with me coming to events. I grew up with step parents on both sides, and whilst I liked them a lot, their presence was never something important to me.

Good point re no contact parents. It shouldn't come as a surprise to them if he decides to not get married in future or elope to avoid dealing with his parents if they can't behave civilly for him for a day. Graduations, birthdays, engagements, weddings, children's birth and birthday parties... having divorced parents and step parents who act like children and make everything about themselves casts a shadow on every single big event of your life. You either don't invite them or don't bother celebrating your achievements because it's not worth it.

Yeah, he’s not your kid, sorry.

If all three of you were there that would be pretty stressful for him (and potentially the rest of you). He’ll be worried that everyone’s getting along etc rather than just enjoying his graduation with his parents.

You have no place there.

All seems a bit dramatic and over invested for leaving school.

It’s great you support him and you can continue to support in the background as well as celebrate in the other ways you have planned.

I don’t think you should push to be there unless DSS himself is actively pushing for it.

So you’re going to put the decision on him?

That’s a lot of pressure. You do realise he will be hugely conflicted - not wanting to hurt your feelings?

When you've been separated for 16 years and your child is an adult, nothing is owed.

That's the same timeframe me and my son's Dad have been separated for - my son is 17 coming on 18. After all this time, the language of him 'owing' me anything is unthinkable. Our marriage ended following his infidelity and confession he wasn't ready to be a father. I didn't want the marriage to end and this isn't the outcome I imagined for either our relationship, or my son's family set up. So none of it was mutual, but it's been 16 years. He owes me nothing. I owe him nothing.

And on a level of, 'you owe me this chance to parent our son together in public' - what even is that all about?

He might owe his son that. But not his ex-wife.

No - your job is to back off and let your DH and his mum raise their son.

OP, just out of interest, do you have any children of your own?

You sound like a lovely step mother, no matter what happens with this, that won't change in his eyes. Let his mother be difficult if she wants. The most important thing is, you have your step sons back.

Wouldn't life be easier and far more pleasant for everyone, especially if the kids if grown adults could get over themselves.

I'm on both sides of this, I'm a step mum and I'm a mum of teenagers who have their own step mum.

When my DD had her leavers event, parents were invited. Me, my current husband and my ex husband went along and got on fine - despite the fact they'd never met before. But my stepkids mum would be incandescent with rage if I were to go to theirs, never mind what the kids actually want. However I would sit it out to make it more comfortable for my SC.

i think you need to be really mindful that you don’t end up pushing him away with your hurt and the pressure you are putting on him. Adults find it hard to be honest with each other when they know it hurt another person, your step son will find himself in a difficult position and you may end up damaging your relationship because he may step away from you.

I don’t think she sounds like she’s lovely or ‘has his back’ at all. She sounds selfish and unable to control her own emotions for the sake of the child.

She doesn't get to decide what her ex husband does or doesn't do.

Plenty countries have school graduations.
Actually recieve their certificates in their hands not just the postman launching it through the door.

How does OP know that it is DSS's decision? It sounds like his mother's. And she has warned OP's DH off asking DSS, which is interesting. If I were OP's DH I would ask his DS what he wants for his graduation day and is he happy if OP does not come (ask that, not whether he wants her). His reaction should show what he really thinks.

I’m also in Australia. In the 5 schools my children have attended (4dc primaries and high schools), when there are separated/divorced parents, and each parent is registered for the school app/newsletter/school photographs etc, for things like graduations, concerts, recitals, each parent has an allocation of tickets, which is why there are often 4 (or even 8) available, and it is absolutely nothing to do with one parent what the other parent does with their allocation. So the mother in this situation would have zero say in who uses the father’s allocation of tickets.

I am also a step parent of two grown dc, and my late husband and his ex wife were almost no contact, and never in a million years would DH have attended any school events with his ex wife, far less a dinner afterwards (the kids wouldn’t have wanted them to, to be fair). Everyone attended, and everything was amicable, but he would never have entertained being dictated to by their mother as to who could attend or that he shouldn’t speak to his dc about it. His eldest lived with us for 9yrs (went to his mother’s every second weekend), and wanted me at everything, if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have even considered going, but if DH’s ex had demanded that I didn’t go, and he wasn’t allowed to discuss it with dc, frankly he’d have told her where to go.

OP, I think you and DH are taking the sensible and correct response to the situation, you’ve said you’ll only attend if DSS wants you there - fwiw, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’ll find he does want you to attend, it sounds to me like the ex is the one trying to manipulate the situation without DSS’s knowledge, and he might actually be quite hurt if you, for seemingly no reason, didn’t show up to his graduation. Who knows, maybe that’s the ex’s goal in all of this, to make it look like you just didn’t go because you don’t care - after all, if DH doesn’t discuss it with him beforehand, then as far as DSS knows, you are just a no show, with no explanation.

And if he doesn’t want you there, because his mum might make a scene, then although it will be hurtful for you not to see him graduate (and yes, high school graduation is a big thing here), at least you will know that he is the one who has made the decision, and you can celebrate later, as obviously from your OP you and DSS have a lovely relationship.

Finally, if, as I suspect, your DH would rather eat dirt than attend a cosy dinner for 3 with DSS and his ex (and I wouldn’t blame him), then he can gently explain to DSS that although he is happy to attend his ceremony, it wouldn’t be comfortable (for anyone) or appropriate for the dinner to happen in that way.

Your DH needs to talk to DSS alone and ask him what he wants. He needs to tell him whatever he wants is OK, and his dad and you will understand. Then whatever DSS wants you make happen.

I agree @5128gap . No pressure on him. It’s his day.

what would the atmosphere be like for him with his mum angry about it?

The child should always be at the centre of these things.

If you're a stepparent. If you're the mum, you're free to bring as much drama to make about you as you like. People don't expect you to be accountable for your shit behaviour at the expense of your child.

Don't forget to keep funding DSS @Samui25, and give him that sizeable deposit you mentioned. You absolute villain.

I’d be rethinking my financial
contribution to uni, house deposit etc if I’m not considered part of his family after 16 years.

let his mum fund it

The house deposit was stated to be from “we” i.e. the OP and the child’s father, not the OP alone.
DSS doesn’t have to be held to ransom because there might be a gift for him further down the line.
And we don’t know anything about mum, though if we had primary custody she has probably contributed more towards DS in any case.

It’s not a “cosy dinner” it’s not a date, it’s two parents taking their child out to lunch to mark him leaving school. And whatever came afterwards it was their DNA that combined to make that child. He is half of each of them. Saying they’d rather “eat dirt” than share one meal with their child is very very sad.

I feel for DSS in that so many of his classmates will simply have mum & dad there and they don’t have to give it another thought.