Page 14 | Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

Samui25 · 2025-10-16T21:43:19+00:00

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware. Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing. DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us. DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:05

Whyherewego · 17/10/2025 09:17

For starters I do not live with DP and I am not his wife.
DP had participated in the lunch and ceremony along with his ex. There was no reason in his view to attend a further event which was arranged by ex to include her extended family. He had participated fully in the events of the day and did not see the need to stand around awkwardly with people he no longer has a relationship (some of whom were down right unpleasant to him) with making small talk.
Yes his son may have liked the idea of it but his son is also 21 years old not 6. So he can also understand that adults are entitled to make decisions about how and with whom they spend their time. In this example I think the balance between doing things for your kid (lunch and ceremony) and not doing things that wojld make you uncomfortable (drinks and dinner) was spot on

Show quote history

Or he could “understand” that it’s his day and for once his parents and other adults involved could put aside their differences and make it about him. Many children on this thread have said they wanted their parents only on the day.

I don’t think the above fact scenario is similar to the Op in any case.

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:06

prelovedusername · 17/10/2025 09:23

Money doesn’t come into this. You don’t buy family relationships.

He has a mother and a father who brought him into the world, she came later. She wasn’t even there for his most formative years.

Show quote history

You can’t bribe or force a step child into including you in family events.

Meadowfinch · 17/10/2025 13:09

His mum has every right to be there. His dad has every right to be there.

Can you not just sit this out and avoid any unpleasantness on the day? Let your DSS have a stress free graduation. You aren't his mum, no matter how much effort you have put in over the last 10 years.

Don't make it all about you.

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:09

Samui25 · 17/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone for posting, it’s been interesting to read the different views. Yes complete over reaction on my part, I was tired, it was late, had a stressful day at work and after 16 years together, I thought we were past all this drama - so more frustration on my part.
DH is going to text her today saying, I’ll chat to DS about how he wants to celebrate once his exams are over, and make plans from there. You sort your tickets abs I’ll do the same.
DH will register for 2 tickets and if and that’s IF DSS wants me to be there I’ll go. If he doesn’t then I’ll accept that.

But getting the ticket and then saying to DS I won’t go if you don’t want me to is sort of railroading him?
If you marry a man who has a child there is always potential for conflict.
The fact that DSS has lived most of his childhood with two estranged parents is really sad.

InterIgnis · 17/10/2025 13:10

Meadowfinch · 17/10/2025 13:09

His mum has every right to be there. His dad has every right to be there.

Can you not just sit this out and avoid any unpleasantness on the day? Let your DSS have a stress free graduation. You aren't his mum, no matter how much effort you have put in over the last 10 years.

Don't make it all about you.

It’s not about his mother either.

It’s about him, and he may actually want OP there.

Tigercrane · 17/10/2025 13:11

Bloozie · 17/10/2025 11:58

I disagree, she's being awful. The bits in bold are awful.

--

I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.

--

If it's as you describe, it would read more:
This is a bit of a tricky thing to raise, but DS thinks it will be awkward if Samui joins us at graduation - the dynamic between all of us would be weird. It's his day, so what he wants goes - I'll get us tickets for the ceremony and pre-formal and contact you closer to the time to sort the details.

You owe me this to celebrate milestones as parents together? What's that all about?

Show quote history

Perhaps he does owe her? We don't know.He's been with Step mum 16 years, so the relationship must have brokendown when DSS was very small .

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:12

PaterPower · 17/10/2025 10:11

Difficult one. I’ve been in DSD’s life for longer and would be a little bit hurt if I wasn’t invited to be at her Graduation.

But I would understand, and not make a fuss, if I knew that pushing my inclusion would lead to problems with her actual parent.

I think it’s one of those things where you have to suck it up, realise that the ‘insult’ is coming from his Mum and not him, and just try and do something to celebrate on another day.

I think the Mum, unless there’s some massive backstory, is being an absolute cow for doing this, but that’s on her conscience. Just wait for the wedding shenanigans in due course (unless DSS grows a set by then) 🙄

He want a child to “grow a set” towards his own mother?

Sporadica · 17/10/2025 13:14

You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours.

Your husband doesn't "owe" his ex, nor does she automatically know better than he does what's best for DSS and what he wants or needs. DSS's wishes are what's important - not his dad's, absolutely true, but equally not his mum's. There's no place for "our wishes" here!! This whole message is bristling with "me, me me!" and it shouldn't be. And the demand that he not SPEAK to DSS is completely suss. Your husband should (gently) find out what DSS wants, just as he would have done if this message hadn't come - but be prepared that DSS may go along with what his mother has demanded, whether it's indeed what he wants and he doesn't feel comfortable saying so, or whether it's just to keep the peace, or whatever. His "no" should be respected, but if there's any doubt - and this verbiage from the mum casts LOADS of doubt - it's got to come from him.

Minnie798 · 17/10/2025 13:17

Perhaps dss wants two of the tickets to be for grandparents. Not saying that is the case but they are his tickets surely, at this age. It's not for dad to decide he will take two tickets and mum gets two. Has anyone in all this simply said to dss there are four tickets for your ceremony, who are you taking.

nosleepforme · 17/10/2025 13:18

Her text was very blunt, but I think it’s fair.

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:18

Sporadica · 17/10/2025 13:14

You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours.

Your husband doesn't "owe" his ex, nor does she automatically know better than he does what's best for DSS and what he wants or needs. DSS's wishes are what's important - not his dad's, absolutely true, but equally not his mum's. There's no place for "our wishes" here!! This whole message is bristling with "me, me me!" and it shouldn't be. And the demand that he not SPEAK to DSS is completely suss. Your husband should (gently) find out what DSS wants, just as he would have done if this message hadn't come - but be prepared that DSS may go along with what his mother has demanded, whether it's indeed what he wants and he doesn't feel comfortable saying so, or whether it's just to keep the peace, or whatever. His "no" should be respected, but if there's any doubt - and this verbiage from the mum casts LOADS of doubt - it's got to come from him.

Maybe DH does owe his ex? I have young children, if my DH upped & left now my life would be in bits and everything would be impacted - house, ability to do my job etc.

It suits people to gloss over the impact and the broken promises if they have a vested interest in DH “moving on”.

YourOliveBalonz · 17/10/2025 13:21

Ex-wife has no right to tell your DH what he can and can’t talk to his DS about, so he should speak to him and find out what he wants, and then everyone should go with that.

A ‘high school’ graduation sounds like a load of imported nonsense to me, so please don’t feel like you’re being cut out of a major life event.

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:22

nosleepforme · 17/10/2025 13:18

Her text was very blunt, but I think it’s fair.

I think the wording was very emotional but the can we do this together as DS’ parents isnt a mad idea.

Hons123 · 17/10/2025 13:38

You are an amazing SM to feel like this.

InterIgnis · 17/10/2025 13:39

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 13:18

Maybe DH does owe his ex? I have young children, if my DH upped & left now my life would be in bits and everything would be impacted - house, ability to do my job etc.

It suits people to gloss over the impact and the broken promises if they have a vested interest in DH “moving on”.

Show quote history

Except he doesn’t. She can feel she’s owed compensation for broken promises/ a split family/ etc, but it’s not actually something she’s entitled to (especially not if she’s trying to get it at the expense of what her son wants at an event celebrating him).

The son’s graduation isn’t about OP, but nor is it about either of his parents. It’s about him. What matters is what he wants, and the only way to determine that is to ask him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/10/2025 13:52

Samui25 · 17/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone for posting, it’s been interesting to read the different views. Yes complete over reaction on my part, I was tired, it was late, had a stressful day at work and after 16 years together, I thought we were past all this drama - so more frustration on my part.
DH is going to text her today saying, I’ll chat to DS about how he wants to celebrate once his exams are over, and make plans from there. You sort your tickets abs I’ll do the same.
DH will register for 2 tickets and if and that’s IF DSS wants me to be there I’ll go. If he doesn’t then I’ll accept that.

I don't think DH should be responding to her or giving her any heads up about him chatting to his own son about it. No, as she'll just get in there first filling her son's head with toxins. He's his son's father, he doesn't need to announce or let his ex know that he's going to talk to his own son, especially given she told him not to raise this with the son - that's the critical thing here! She's manipulative.

BoringBarbie · 17/10/2025 13:58

"Dear Ex,

Thank you for the offer but I will organise tickets for myself and Samui and communicate with DSS myself.

Best Regards,"

SerafinasGoose · 17/10/2025 14:02

Whether the mum is being manipulative or not, I still think that in the OP's shoes I'd bow out of this one gracefully and let her have this one. First and foremost, it's about DSS. You only graduate once, and an uncomfortable atmosphere (no matter who is driving this) would taint an experience for him that he can never get back.

DSS's mother cannot, however, expect to control whether you or DH do talk to DSS about it. If you do, simply say that you've decided to give him this time to celebrate with his mum and dad, but you'll watch any footage of the ceremony afterwards (it's usually possible to buy a recording) and together with DH will take him out for a special meal on a separate occasion to celebrate.

This gives him an 'out' - if she's telling porkies and he really does want you to be there then he has this opportunity to say so. If he doesn't, then you have your answer, which I'm sure is no reflection on the relationship you share.

There will be plenty of opportunities to celebrate other milestones with your DSS.

Needspaceforlego · 17/10/2025 14:11

Now that others have said it i think bowing out is the best way to deal with it.
If he wants op there he will say.

Much easier for him to ask why is SM not coming than to confirm that he'd rather she wasn't there.

I sincerely hope the adults can put the boy first avoid him having to choose lunch with ...?

If it was me in his shoes, nerves etc would get the better of me and I'd be sod the lot of you, I'm not going!

HappyHedgehog247 · 17/10/2025 14:19

Samui25 · 17/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone for posting, it’s been interesting to read the different views. Yes complete over reaction on my part, I was tired, it was late, had a stressful day at work and after 16 years together, I thought we were past all this drama - so more frustration on my part.
DH is going to text her today saying, I’ll chat to DS about how he wants to celebrate once his exams are over, and make plans from there. You sort your tickets abs I’ll do the same.
DH will register for 2 tickets and if and that’s IF DSS wants me to be there I’ll go. If he doesn’t then I’ll accept that.

Nice way to put DSS on the spot!

SatsumaDog · 17/10/2025 14:21

I can hazard a guess what DSS wants. He probably wants his biological parents to be present at an important milestone in his life. To be there for him and him alone. No drama. He has had to live with the consequences of other people’s decisions and choices impacting him all his life. He wants to be like everyone else, no complications, no having to explain who everyone is and that his parents aren’t together. Just him, put first, for once.

Please don’t buy extra tickets and make him
feel he has to agree to having you there op. If he wants you there he’ll say so.

DBD1975 · 17/10/2025 14:31

the7Vabo · 17/10/2025 07:11

It’s not about the OP. A child with two parents of which OP is not one is graduating from school. It’s not about what is “should” be for OP, it’s about what is best for DSS. And having his mother fuming at his step mother’s presence isn’t what is best for him.

Show quote history

As other posters and myself have mentioned this is up to the DSS to decide.

Gabby8 · 17/10/2025 14:34

It’s tricky as it’s hard to tell whether he genuinely doesn’t want you there and not wanting to cause offence so hiding behind mum or whether she is dictating it. I think there’s a danger if it’s the latter that he may well not want you there if things start to escalate so the former will become true if he is pushed.

Personally unless he categorically wants you there I would step back and not add to the drama. I imagine he would ask himself if you are not going and he doesn’t know why.

Netcurtainnelly · 17/10/2025 14:35

Samui25 · 16/10/2025 23:01

There are 4 tickets available per family and more per ballot. I never once said I should have his mum’s ticket.

Take no notice and ask the son what he wants.
He is not a baby.
If he says he wants his mum and dad, then let it go its his day.

CremeBruhlee · 17/10/2025 14:40

If you ask him you are putting pressure on him. He probably does want you there….. but more than that he wants no pressure, no drama and his mum not upset.

One person can solve this for him…. his mum isn’t going to magically be happy about you overnight. If you care as much as you say then back out.

If his dad asks him about it he shouldn’t say ‘do you want her there’. He should say - will it be easier just me and mum there? That’s totally fine, it’s your day and we know how important it is for your mum to feel comfortable and you to feel ok about that. SM will celebrate with you later.

If you love him then be the bigger person. But afterwards get your husband to say it won’t happen again xxx