Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Totally agree, h needs to ask the lad.
If you are going to get upset do it in private, please don't get involved, mum might be a total bitch, but she IS his mum and has first dibbs along with dad on tickets.
As others have said, you and his dad can do something else with him instead. But I wouldn't be putting it out there about helping with future house deposits and the like for a long while yet. It's not always possible to look that far ahead, what if you and h can't afford it or you split up? Not unknown even in the perceived happiest / marriages.

It's this kind of response, that only escalates the situation. It's unnecessary to say she's no part of his family, pretending to like each other and all the other stuff you've suggested. It just comes across as high conflict.

There's a mature way to get your message across without going so low.

For the DSS though, the alternative of having his DM uncomfortable with having her ex and his new wife there may be worse. She is his mother after all. At least if it is just the two actual parents they are on a more equal footing, and the DSS would probably feel more at ease if things became tense, rather than feeling that his mother is on her own and 'outnumbered' if she doesn't have a new partner to bring along. It is difficult for the child in this situation even if they are technically now an adult.

I wonder if the ex wife has made this up off her own back and the dss hasnt really got anything to do with it. You all get along and there are no issues so the message is odd, even if dss only wanted mum and dad for this occasion which he's allowed to , I don't think it would have been relayed to your dh in this way. And surely it would have been explained in a nice way, this message gives the impression there are issues which you say there are not. I think dh should speak to his son and say its absolutely no issue if he just wants mum and dad there for the actual graduation but he just wanted to check this was what he wants. Hes absolutely allowed to mention this to his son if hes being understanding to his sons needs, that does not cause stress just to confirm details. I know its not nice for you and I completely understand why you're upset but its best to find out the facts in a calm way not go in all guns blazing.

Asking him in a nice way and reassuring him his wants are what counts is not putting pressure on someone. Hes not made of glass.. a quick check in won't end him. If hes that' sensitive then he's got issues hasnt he. Dad is allowed to check in with his son. Op isnt some random woman, and his parents arent on good terms.

Your DH needs to discuss this with your SS. I wouldn't be dictated to by an ex wife.

Even a quiet word is pushing at this stage with exams and all that.

Good one, Ops DH!

Lots of men are terrible at having these conversations, because they want an easy life and for the same reason they assume their current wife or partner will be going, because that's the convenient option for them. Your husband will need to put aside being 'livid' and have a thoughtful, considerate and mature conversation with his son that shows, genuinely, whatever the son really wants will be respected.

And does the conversation have to be had before or during exams? The adults here know what pressure he is under so can surely his dad wait until after the final exam to speak to him calmly about it. It would be nice to know sooner rather than later, but it isn't of paramount importance.

Agree with this!

"Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours"

From reading this I assume poor DSS has absolutely no idea what his mum is up to, which is the real reason she doesn't want anyone to ask him about it.

I don't think YABU at all. You husband's ex-wife is. She needs to grow up and accept her ex-husband has moved on and you are part of her son's life now. You having a positive role in his life in no way takes anything from her. Love grows, it doesn't divide. She is his mum and will always be his mum. You are his step-mum, you play a different role in his life, but you've been in it for 10 years and you love him, and her petty attempt to exclude you from graduation makes my heart break for you.

I do not understand these mothers that don't want their children to have secure and loving relationships with their step-mums. My son has a step-mum, and I LOVE that she loves him and includes him. She'll be there at his graduation if we can make it happen. So will my new husband, his step-dad. And if seats are limited, me and my ex will watch the service and we'll all go out for a meal afterwards. It helps that we get on but even if we didn't - it's not about us, it's about our son.

If tickets are limited to 2, she should get first dibs.

If they aren't, she has no say whatsoever in whether you go or not, but I would talk to your step-son and just say, I am so proud of you and I would love to see you graduate, but it's not about me, it's about you. It's YOUR day and I don't want anything to distract from it, so if you'd rather I stay at home, I will and we can celebrate separately.

And if he says he thinks it would be awkward, don't make him feel bad, accept it and make other plans.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, your husband is a legend. It sounds like you stepson has no idea what his batshit mother has done, so hopefully you can pick through it and she has the grace to centre her son and not make graduation awful.

Sounds like you have a lovely blended family on both sides!

I don't think it is necessarily that the ex is being awful. She might have talked to the son and he has said he'd rather it was just his parents for whatever reason and she has offered to be the bad guy and send that text. Obviously I'm guessing, I don't know her. She might even have liked sending it given she doesn't get on with her ex, but it doesn't mean that it is her shit stirring. If the son carries any kind of burden with regard to his parents and the circumstances of the split/ their new partners/ picking 'sides' it could be that he just wants things as simple as possible but doesn't feel he can say it.

I disagree, she's being awful. The bits in bold are awful.

--

I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.

--

If it's as you describe, it would read more:
This is a bit of a tricky thing to raise, but DS thinks it will be awkward if Samui joins us at graduation - the dynamic between all of us would be weird. It's his day, so what he wants goes - I'll get us tickets for the ceremony and pre-formal and contact you closer to the time to sort the details.

You owe me this to celebrate milestones as parents together? What's that all about?

True, the 'you owe me' does sound bad, and maybe like she hasn't had a chat with the son. 'You owe this to him' would be more appropriate in that case, I think. The rest I can just see as one person who dislikes another (who dislikes her back) not feeling like they need to beat about the bush with niceties, to be honest.

I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.

😂😂😂

The comment I replied to read “where on earth do they have graduation ceremonies from high school?…”. I didn’t say the OP was American or pass any comment on what her step son’s school does. I answered the person who implied they’d never HEARD of high school graduations. Also - all schools presumably choose what they want to do regardless of geography.

At this age I would probably have said to my mum that it would be easier if my dad just came alone (never had an event come up at that age). Not because I didn’t care about my stepmum but that it would be easier and less stressful without those dynamics to worry about. And I also carried a lot of worry about my mum’s feelings being alone in the house with her I felt responsible for her feelings.

Don’t get your husband to ask him before his exams. If I were you I would get your husband to agree but buy two tickets just incase.

If my had dad pushed this I would be so stressed and unhappy about this. I would feel responsible and also rejected. So many children of divorce feel rejected and at fault. I would feel really sad that they made it about them.

Im a mum and in my 40s but these feelings feel so real and fresh. Don’t take it personally and step back for now.

We have fully blended stepparents on each side and my kids barely know which are blood and not (and didn’t actually know as young kids, all called nannas and grandads and really close) but I would love an event (perhaps my 50th) with just my mum and dad. I would never ever ask but if by coincidence it happened with people busy. I grew up with just them and it would just be lovely. I was devastated when they split up and although I deeply care about my step-parents I secretly fantasise about them getting back together in their old age. The idea of going to theirs and watching a film under a blanket all on the couch together brings tears to my eyes.

Be sensitive, put your stepson first xx

I was in this position over my son’s graduation, limited to 2 tickets. I have a reasonably good relationship with my ex and his now wife, but my ex and I, as my son’s parents, attended, and it never occurred to any of us that it should be his stepmother attending. I’m glad that you have a good relationship with your DSS, but I think you are overreacting wildly on this. Make it clear that you are happy for him and take him out to dinner another time. Please don’t make this hard for him by making this more about you than him.

Then he’s a selfish dick who could care more about how his son and his mother feel in this occasion than his wife.

People in your position always think ‘the drama is over’ when the children have finally realised that they have no voice anyway so they have to stay quiet if they want to keep their own parent, but it doesn’t go away.

I had the same as the Stepmum.
However, DH said it was extremely boring, he really only wanted to watch his DS & not hundreds of others.
The main event for us was after the ceremony, when DSS Mum conceded the rest of the day to us.

I grew up with a stepmother. Please just let the kid have his bio parents at the graduation if that's what's smoothest for everyone; prioritise him, not your feelings, for that day, and do a separate lovely thing for him outside that. I think sometimes steps don't understand what it can feel like for a kid to not get their bio parents together much and to have to worry about dynamics between people.

Could it be that your DSS just isn’t wanting any awkwardness around his graduation?

I absolutely hate my mum and step mum being in the same room even though her and my dad have been split up for 17 years. My mum always makes stupid/disrespectful comments that make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Could it be that your DSS just isn’t wanting any awkwardness around his graduation?

Who is making it awkward though?