Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

If he’s in Australia, as I suspect, external exams start in a week and half

Yeah, no. Our States started this week with the compulsory subject, so all kids here started this week. That’s NSW and English* so don’t know how you speak for all States and Territories 🫤.

ETA plus many languages and some other non-popular subjects.

I would just let it go. Initially I thought of suggesting that DH try to find out tactfully what DSS really wants. But, on reflection, it probably won't spoil it for him for his stepmother not to be there, no matter how much he loves her. But it would spoil things if his DM made a scene or flounced.

When I left school, I walked out of the gate with two mates and never looked back. Life was so boringly simple back them, I wouldn't have gone to a prom if you paid me 😆

fair enough, my daughter’s are a week or so later. We’re in another state, obvs.

But my point was that exams are soon (or now, for some) not months away.

ETA : and schoolies of course, originated in QLD, which do start a week or so later 😀

Still making it about yourself. Your husband asking him will put pressure on the teenager.
You're wrong.

Sounds eminently sensible OP, I hope you can go but if not there will be other celebrations.

I don’t think it’s “creating drama” to communicate that DSS wants things a certain way, and that she will make sure that happens.

She is clearly willing to put things aside and sit down to share a meal with your DH. It doesn’t sound like that’s something she particularly wants herself, given the severe lack of contact. I would put money on her advocating for what her son wants. She is specifically asking you both not to create drama or upset DSS before exams. I think DH is the one making the most drama by being “livid” over it. He could calmly talk to both ex and DSS, like an adult and create a safe space for DSS to lay out what he really wants without repercussions.

DSS has every right to have one meal with his parents without step parents involvement. But I feel he’s aware of how angry his dad will get at this. DH needs to tell DSS he will support his decision and not have an emotional (dramatic) reaction or make it about himself or you.

You’ve never seen an American high school graduation depicted in a tv show or film?!?

Given the Dad is “livid” and the step mum has burst into tears, what’s the chances that this is a nice, calm, stress free conversation in which the young lad is able to express his wishes?

As a child from a dramatic background who was often put on the spot between the interests of 3 selfish adults.
I'd say, it will be really be hard on your SS to ask him what he wants, he wouldn't want to offend his mum and offend you either.
But If you really want to ask what he wants. Let it be indirectly something like "hello Charles, what other day are you free for you and i go out and celebrate your graduation, as obviously I won't be able to join you, your mum & dad." His body language and response will tell you all you need to know.

If he was in on it, he will give you a straight answer, if it is not his wishes, he will ask you why you won't be there, what came up.

You'll get the clarity you need and more by been tactical.

My oldest DD finished HS last year. There was a week’s worth of activities, some fun events for them but about 3 end of school events that parents went to. The last was the graduation ceremony which was essentially just a walk on stage, shaking of hands with principal and maybe a certificate? Can’t remember. There was a bit more pomp with candles and stuff and the whole thing was nice, but not something I’d personally be devastated at missing.

Difficult one. I’ve been in DSD’s life for longer and would be a little bit hurt if I wasn’t invited to be at her Graduation.

But I would understand, and not make a fuss, if I knew that pushing my inclusion would lead to problems with her actual parent.

I think it’s one of those things where you have to suck it up, realise that the ‘insult’ is coming from his Mum and not him, and just try and do something to celebrate on another day.

I think the Mum, unless there’s some massive backstory, is being an absolute cow for doing this, but that’s on her conscience. Just wait for the wedding shenanigans in due course (unless DSS grows a set by then) 🙄

Am confused at the venom being directed at OP. On MN if you are a diffident or in any way a ‘wicked’ step mum you are the target of wrath; if you are an engaged and attentive SM you also seem to get bashed.

In this situation, given there are plenty of tickets available, I feel DH needs to have a chat with his DS and ask what he wants. If he would like OP to be there but is worried about his mother, they may be able to work something out - am sure this is not an uncommon scenario at schools these days (hence the 4 ticket policy).

I am assuming the tickets don’t require people to sit together, so from a practical standpoint there is no reason why OP and her DH can’t sit in one place and the bioMum sit somewhere else. She has said, iirc, that she’s happy not to be included in a post graduation meal etc and to celebrate separately. I think given her active involvement in his life, it is only natural that OP would want to see DSS’s graduation, but they may be able to arrange it so she is nowhere near mum.

Dh is going to have to step up and resolve this in a way that supports his son as this will continue throughout his life - uni graduations, weddings, grand children’s birthdays/christenings. How he handles this, how he supports his son navigating it, will set the tone for the rest of his life.

It's fine and normal, just arrange a separate date for you and your DH to take him out to dinner.

That’s nice. What does that have to do with the person saying they’d never heard of anywhere that had high school graduations and me replying that they are frequently depicted in tv and film?

Just pointing out that the ones in Australia, where the OP is, are nothing at all like the ones depicted in American TV and film.

ETA : although maybe they do American caps and gowns in other States?

Could be ex Wife stirring the pot or could be the kid being manipulative (quite likely)

I'd leave them all to it and go and do something more interesting

You need to know your place as a step mum , OP. You are to skivvy around and support everyone else, give lifts, buy stuff, sacrifice your time etc etc. But you cannot expect anything nice or any consideration from your family members whatsoever, in fact you’re to become invisible if it suits others. Your needs and wants don’t matter one iota. Otherwise you’re “making it all about you” - which is a terrible wicked thing to do. Cos it’s never about you as a stepmum it’s always about others - they come first, not you. That’s the rules of being a stepmum.

I don't think DH should ask 'do you want stepmum to go' as direct as that - maybe more of a 'listen son, am aware that you'd prefer SM to not go and we're OK with that' and see his reaction. He can just agree or state that he doesn't mind. That way, the pressure is not necessarily on DSS.

Hope that makes sense!!

I think this is the best way to approach it. Zero pressure on dss to try and be a people pleaser.

In this scenario, I'd ask DSS, but make it clear I wouldn't be angry if he just wanted his mum and dad there. It could be the mum is trying to exclude you and dss knows nothing about it.

I can see that you're a very thoughtful SM from this post and I can see you're not the type to create conflict in the stepfamily situation.

These situations can be really hard to navigate and you're probably right about the OP elevating her place in his DSS life.

I don’t think it is necessary for the parents to have a meal with DSS without OP present. Why would DS want his parents who don’t get on to sit at a meal with him in awkward silence or stilted chat, at what is supposed to be a celebration. He is 18 not 6!

I think if you do have a good relationship with him it may be exactly the reason why it is hard for him to be upfront with his wishes for the day, knowing that he will hurt your feelings. It is entirely usual for the children of split parents to feel a responsibility for keeping the peace. For him to feel relaxed and enjoy his day, in as much as that is possible with two parents who clearly dislike each other, that may mean not inviting you. One parent being there with another person 'on their side' will probably change the dynamics and he will feel it. It is his day and the adults around him should really be doing their utmost to let him celebrate in a way that makes him the happiest and most relaxed. You and your husband can always take him for dinner the night before or on exam results day etc as a celebration and show of support from 'your' side of the family.

He's probably assumed she will be there, so no need to discuss it with the OP.