Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

Prior to the exes message, had dss asked you to attend the ceremony op.
I don't think anyone but actual parents should be assuming they are attending a graduation type event.

My DH supports our DSC financially with uni etc and that has a huge financial impact on me and my/our children but I don’t consider that gives me rights to consider myself my DSC parent, they have 2 parents, their mother and my DH their father. My role is more akin to e.g an aunt, many aunts and uncles also give support. Kind of get the feeling some posters consider a step child as a substitute for their own child, they are not unless you have legally adopted them. That’s not to say they’re not going to be a treasured part of your life and vice versa, but my DSC grandparents and other extended family are also a treasured part of their lives in a similar way

Don’t make it about you. Your DH should ask his son who he wants at the graduation. Chances are, he will want to avoid upsetting his mum, so will probably come down on her side and say he wants his parents there, and will exclude you. Don’t make this a power battle between you and his mum. Let it go and leave them to enjoy the day. You can always do something special before or after the ceremony.

If he’s in Australia, as I suspect, external exams start in a week and half.

As I said above, I wouldn’t be having any chats with him at all about graduation and who said what and who’s coming or not until he’s finished them all

For starters I do not live with DP and I am not his wife.
DP had participated in the lunch and ceremony along with his ex. There was no reason in his view to attend a further event which was arranged by ex to include her extended family. He had participated fully in the events of the day and did not see the need to stand around awkwardly with people he no longer has a relationship (some of whom were down right unpleasant to him) with making small talk.
Yes his son may have liked the idea of it but his son is also 21 years old not 6. So he can also understand that adults are entitled to make decisions about how and with whom they spend their time. In this example I think the balance between doing things for your kid (lunch and ceremony) and not doing things that wojld make you uncomfortable (drinks and dinner) was spot on

It is nothing to do with you.
You sound like a child.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset, but step graciously aside, do not go, and leave it to them.

Do not let on your feelings to dss. You three can do something later.

Thus would be showing him love.

Money doesn’t come into this. You don’t buy family relationships.

He has a mother and a father who brought him into the world, she came later. She wasn’t even there for his most formative years.

Doesn't matter how good your relationship is with your dss when it's a big event like this you step back and leave the parents to it. Go out for a celebratory meal at another time.
If the dm is a bit intense you can bet the dc is very aware so fall on your sword and shrug it off.

I have been your DSS. Tbh it was hellish being stuck in the middle of divorced parents and a step and it didn’t get any easier in adulthood.

If I was being firm, I would be advising you to back off completely and pull yourself together. A complete overreaction to take yourself off to bed. You may be married to his father and helped out a lot, but you are not the parent. Let DSS and his parents work this one through and keep out of it. If there is no place for you, accept that decision with grace.

Neither you or your husband should be pushing anything until his exams are over.

So financing him is fine, that part isn’t nothing to do with her?

I agree with most of this but there’s no need to push anything ever. DH just needs a quiet conversation with his son. And now rather than dragging this drama out for months, exams are quite far enough away.

There were several threads about something like this from someone called bananabeau recently that were very disturbing about a graduation and the ex kicking off if the OP attended a graduation which were quite sinister as they went on.

It's sad for your DSS that he has grown up (through his teenage years at least) with his parents pretty much non-contact with each other. People shouldn't underestimate how much this affects kids. Yes I realise it might seem ok cos non-contact means no arguments... but it still creates a tension that is always there and then rears up at important events.
^ That bit is not your fault of course, OP, but I just wanted to mention it.

OP, it sounds like you're a lovely loving step mum. I'm sorry if this situation has made you feel unvalued. Believe me, I bet you are massively appreciated by your DSS, even if he doesn't explicitly tell you so. I am approaching 50 and still haven't told my step parents how much I appreciate them! There are various reasons - awkwardness, ingrained loyalty to birth parents.... But I do appreciate their role and ought to tell them!

"Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours."

She's trying it on. I bet she didn't even discuss this with SS and thats why she doesnt want you to ask him. Ask him and stick to your original plan. Don't reply to her text.

if he’s in Australia - as indicated by him going to “schoolies” they start Monday week.

Don't do this. Do not make the dc feel awkward, just accept it is unfair yes but back off and celebrate at another time.

Thanks everyone for posting, it’s been interesting to read the different views. Yes complete over reaction on my part, I was tired, it was late, had a stressful day at work and after 16 years together, I thought we were past all this drama - so more frustration on my part.
DH is going to text her today saying, I’ll chat to DS about how he wants to celebrate once his exams are over, and make plans from there. You sort your tickets abs I’ll do the same.
DH will register for 2 tickets and if and that’s IF DSS wants me to be there I’ll go. If he doesn’t then I’ll accept that.

Oh I see. I don’t see it’s so stressful dad can’t have a conversation. All he needs to know is whether this is indeed ds’s wish. If it is then just carry on.

At 18, it should 100% be DSS’s decision- he’s an adult although I feel for him because it sounds as though he’ll be stuck between a rock and hard place. He won’t want to upset his mum or you, sounds like he values the relationship with you and that you have been a supportive stepmother.

I can understand his mum’s perspective to an extent too though, especially if you have always attended joint celebrations like this in the past?

She’s sorting “dinner plans” for the three of them…

as if her ex husband is gonna want to sit and have dinner with her after this shitty behaviour.

This happens! We are only human! ❤️ It sounds like a good plan 🙂.

It’d be stressful in that the DSS would likely have divided loyalties.

why introduce drama a week out from exams?

That's a great way of dealing with it! Well done for finding a mature way of addressing things whilst prioritising your DSS's needs.

Who, exactly, is "creating all this drama"?
In your opinion. Mother, father, son? Or you.