SIL asking I don't bring my nephew along to Centre Parc holiday trip

[Pline]

SIL has arranged a big birthday trip for her eldest daughter to Centre Paris. They are being very generous and paying for our accommodation. There will be around 15 of us all together including grandparents. Dh and I don’t have children so CP isn’t exactly somewhere we would choose to go but we enjoy the family and wish to participate in the celebrations. I thought it would be nice if I brought my own sister’s child. I felt I would feel like a bit of a spare part if I didn’t have anything to do iykwim. My nephew is a lovely, cute boy. And the same age as the birthday girl. They have played in the past but don’t live close so aren’t friends or anything. Both children are sociable and well behaved.

I asked in the group chat if that would be okay. SIL’s husband said “absolutely the more the merrier”. But I just got a message from SIL asking I don’t do so. I’ve asked why and she said Ava (SIL’s daughter - not real name) is very fond of you and would like to spend time with you. Ava is a little clingy to me. I enjoy it. She is a girly girl and I enjoy make up, nails etc which Ava’s mums not so into. Ava is always making about my perfume, lipstick etc.

Am I being exceptionally rude? I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. And the spare bedroom will go empty which is a bit of a waste. I feel like most people would not care. I will of course spend plenty of time with Ava but I have been to Centre Parcs before and I thought having someone else to focus on would make the time a little less…boring.

But obviously SIL is paying. So maybe I am being . rudeUnintentionally.

I disagree with everyone saying you’re rude. You only asked a question and your SIL gave you an answer, which you have accepted. No harm done. You didn’t play your face and cause a family rift, it was short and sweet and put to bed.
Enjoy your holiday!

This is one of my pet hates - people who get invited to something, then try and change it.

Someone organises an event, invites people, and then the guests try to change things.
”would you like to come to my wedding?”
”yes that would be lovely, can I bring my Mum too, she loves a good wedding”

”it’s my birthday, we’re going for a picnic, can you come”
”yes I’d love to, OK if I bring my dog?”

“I’m coming back to our home town for a few days, organising a meal out for the old gang, are you able to come?”
”yes, great, I’ll bring my new boyfriend”

Then suddenly one of the guests has made a subtle change to the dynamic, and the organiser feels guilty if they say no. Really pisses me off.

OP if you want to take your nephew to Centre Parcs, organise and pay for a trip yourself another time!

I’m in California so I don’t know what Centre parcs are, but if I were paying and if somebody asked if they could bring one small child along to an already large group event - I just don’t see a problem - particularly when the person asking has no children and can supervise said small child.
But I also realise that what we do here and what you do there is very different.

I think if you politely asked and they politely declined — you have your answer.
I’m sorry, @Pline

And I in no way think you were being rude simply by asking politely.
You did ask politely, didn’t you?

If the conversation isn't thrilling enough for you, the solution is not to take the free holiday. Not to invite another person.

I can’t believe you even thought suggesting this would be OK.

SIL wants you to look after her daughter which you can’t do if your nephew is there.

Your sister is seeing it as an important family bonding time. You are seeing it as a bit of a chore and possibly a boring trip.
But i think shes paying for the trip probably for the reason of giving her daughter the time to really spend time with the people your sister sees as important figures in her life. Why else would she do it? It's a trip to cement family ties and relations for her daughter.

Center parcs charge per accommodation not per person.

so any spare bed should absolutely be filled in my view.

however, for whatever reason, SIl is happy to pay for empty beds.

I suspect it’s like @CorvusPurpureussays and she has asked the child.

zero harm in you asking though

Your going with a child this time though? Your sister in laws child.... who is looking forward to spending time with you? Sounds like her mum wants the day to be focused on her DD with it being her birthday

Amen!

Don’t think I’d be going, or if I did because not going would cause a war, I’d go but book adult activities. No way would I be childcare.

Also how old is your nephew? If you thought CP was boring without kids, wait until you have to supervise a small child in the boiling hot pool area all day long and on any other activity you choose to book him on (all of which are £££)

I don't think anyone did anything wrong. You asked politely. SIL refused and gave you an honest reason. Its the very model of healthy adult communication. All that remains now is that you accept her response with good grace. I imagine she told Ava what you'd suggested and the child expressed her disappointment at not having you to herself. Hence the change from BiLs initial answer.

I find your thinking a little odd…like everyone else has a ‘pet’ child to bring with them, so you want one too? Surely the joy of being child-free is that you don’t have to do all the kids’ activities, can offer help if you fancy but equally have adult time too?
It’s like you want to take a child along for status…

I would not want some unrelated kid along on our family trip. Your nephew is your family, not theirs, it would be really weird to take him. They will be expecting you & your DH to spend time with the family, your nephew is a random extra child they barely know, they won't want him there.

Sil has you down as her dd's main carer for the holiday. Doesn't want you distracted with another dc..

Yes, they are paying for everyone, but to be honest, a pretty dull and as OP said, claustrophobic trip for a young child free couple. Who are going to be nice to their niece.

Not rude at all

Well no-one's forcing them to accept.

I just think if the OP thinks it's an ok thing to ask, she should've done it in private.

I think the main problem is you asking in the group chat. You (or your DH as it’s his family) should have asked discretely to give your SIL a chance to think about it or decline outside of the group chat without it being awkward.

That’s good then as the OP WANTS to have a child to look after whilst there.

I'm assuming they are accepting just to be nice. That would be the case for me. And as I understand, there would be no extra charge for them to bring an extra child, so they thought it would be ok to ask. Not a huge issue in my eyes.

I don’t think you were rude, especially if there is going to be a spare room lying empty. I have a DN (by marriage) who adores me which is lovely but suffocating on long weekends away as DN doesn’t give me a moment alone. It’s not fun being the only non parent when everyone is doing family stuff or the practical daily activities associated with having children.

Also not sure why everyone keeps referring to your nephew as a random. I’m assuming he is know to your DH’s family through your family events. I know my DN’s cousins on the other side of their family well. I also grew up going to events with my cousins’ cousins including holidays so it’s not a weird request. Although they have said no now and probably won’t change their minds so it’s not worth causing conflict over.

I accidentally clicked on YANBU, but you are being unreasonable. Your nephew is not related to the rest of the family and he wasn't invited. However, your SiL's reason - that you spend time with a niece doing nails etc - is weird.

However, your SiL's reason - that you spend time with a niece doing nails etc - is weird.

I think she’s been put on the spot - by OP’s request and her DH’s saying yes - and was looking around for a nice way to say “no - I really don’t want you to bring some random child on a family trip for my DD’s birthday that I’m paying for…..”

This is always my objection to the “no harm in asking”.brigade - it puts someone on the spot and in the position of being the bad guy and saying “no way”. So they have to manufacture an excuse because it seems so aggressive just to adopt the “no is a complete sentence” type of approach.