SIL asking I don't bring my nephew along to Centre Parc holiday trip

[Pline]

SIL has arranged a big birthday trip for her eldest daughter to Centre Paris. They are being very generous and paying for our accommodation. There will be around 15 of us all together including grandparents. Dh and I don’t have children so CP isn’t exactly somewhere we would choose to go but we enjoy the family and wish to participate in the celebrations. I thought it would be nice if I brought my own sister’s child. I felt I would feel like a bit of a spare part if I didn’t have anything to do iykwim. My nephew is a lovely, cute boy. And the same age as the birthday girl. They have played in the past but don’t live close so aren’t friends or anything. Both children are sociable and well behaved.

I asked in the group chat if that would be okay. SIL’s husband said “absolutely the more the merrier”. But I just got a message from SIL asking I don’t do so. I’ve asked why and she said Ava (SIL’s daughter - not real name) is very fond of you and would like to spend time with you. Ava is a little clingy to me. I enjoy it. She is a girly girl and I enjoy make up, nails etc which Ava’s mums not so into. Ava is always making about my perfume, lipstick etc.

Am I being exceptionally rude? I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. And the spare bedroom will go empty which is a bit of a waste. I feel like most people would not care. I will of course spend plenty of time with Ava but I have been to Centre Parcs before and I thought having someone else to focus on would make the time a little less…boring.

But obviously SIL is paying. So maybe I am being . rudeUnintentionally.

I don't know anyone who would raise a child who thinks she can dictate what adults do and don't do, and how much attention an adult pays them.

Or who thinks that just because it's her birthday, a group of 15 people must dance to her tune 24/7.

I remember what it was like tagging along to kiddy events without a kid

you feel like a total spare part

dont blame you for wanting to play parent/aunt for a weekend

Auntie by marriage, isnt the same role

@ladycarlotta

Its her husbands/ partners niece. Slightly different dynamic

I wouldn't worry too much about being the only child free couple there, I'm betting mum is planning on having you doing most of the grunt work in keeping birthday girl entertained which is why she doesn't want your attention taken up with another child. You'll be responsible for SILs child instead.

It sounds like she is not letting nephew come because she wants your sole attention on her child which would annoy me. However you accepted for her to pay so unfortunately it is down to her.

Yes, I think it's rude. I wouldn't have even asked. If you think that you'd be bored then decide for yourself if you want to go or not. But to try and take your own entertainment/ nephew to a party he hasn't been invited to esp to one where the host is paying for your accommodation is sort of cf territory. It is her right to refuse , and at the same time it is your right not to go, but if you refuse to go now it will obviously look like it's because she's told you not to bring your nephew.

If they've been generous enough to invite you all and pay for it, there's every chance they're planning on paying for meals too. They also don't sound like the sort who'd be comfortable nitpicking over a bill so nephew would inevitably become part of their expenses.
They've gone to every length to arrange a family event surrounding their daughter's bday, even inviting a couple who don't have children so as not to leave them out.
With the array of adults and kids there, I guarantee they're not looking for OP to be on entertainment duty. They're looking to invite the whole family and no one else to a lovely family weekend with group photos of just family etc.
It takes a bit of reading between the lines but this is definitely what's going on here.

i think in the context of a family event it wasn’t completely rude to ask. Yes, you should have asked them via a text to just your SIL and BIL instead of in the group chat.

BuI also think they’re completely reasonable decline and it sounds like your SIL has done it politely, explained her reasoning, and reinforced how important you are to her DD. Them saying no doesn’t mean your request was rude, and you not being rude doesn’t mean they were unreasonable to say no.

So I’m a bit confused by your question. It doesn’t sound like your SIL is accusing you of being rude or angry at you. She said it wouldn’t work and hopefully you said ‘oh I absolutely understand, I’m sorry if I put you and BIL on the spot. I’m looking forward to celebrating Niece’s birthday’ and that’s the end of it.

I reckon they asked Ava.

SIL: Hey Ava, Auntie Pline says she's bringing Ben to CP. You remember Ben? He's Auntie Pline's nephew, he came to X with us last year. So that'll be fun, right?

Ava (being a 9yo girl): urgh boys yuk ick nooooooo

SIL: bugger I'd better put Pline off bringing the rando kid

BIL: oh but I already said it's fine

SIL: ffs

...meanwhile they'd probably have rubbed along perfectly nicely...

Still, SIL's paying, so your options are to suck it up or decline the invitation. I'd probably send dp on his own & go & do something less 'boring' (& I'm with you, CP is boring) honestly, but if you're keen to be involved then you'll just have to go along with SIL's plans.

But it’s not a “random child”! Ava and the child have played before. He is known to the SIL. He IS a family member in essence, both being niece and nephew.

@Pline I agree with some that the SIL sees you as the unofficial child sitter and wants you to be free and ready. Sod that for a lark. Do your own thing with your DH and have a great time.

You sound like a special aunt to Ava, and she is looking forward to having special times with you.

You don’t have to have kids to enjoy Center Parcs!

I think accept SIL’s request graciously and say you fully understand.

I love Center Parcs and don’t have children. I think it’s probably much more relaxing without them there to be honest. You don’t need a child with you to enjoy it, you’re being rude by asking if you can take someone else, unrelated - go and enjoy the time with your niece!

I wouldn’t have asked as it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to bring a family member of mine to dh’s family members paid for birthday holiday. Even if they have played together once or twice.

Either accept the invite or don’t. Don’t try to add extras.

I get why you might be bored and while I think sucking it up a bit for your DH's sake is the better route unless there is a history of nastiness, I don't think it would be totally unreasonable of you to bow out. (And if you agree with those who think you're wanted as a babysitter, it might be an advisable).

However, asking to bring another person when someone else is paying tends to be pretty rude. Some families do have a more-the-merrier approach, but you'd have multiple similar examples if it were the case. On top of that, trying to bring an uninvited child who isn't related to the birthday girl to a celebration is, at best, inconsiderate of the child. Very few children really want a child who they haven't asked for, aren't that familiar with (and may not actually like) invited to their special event.

He is not the birthday girl's family member. He's a boy she's played with a couple of times and is not, according to OP, a friend.

On the being bored front -
I can totally see why it would not feel like a brilliantly appealing break for you if everyone else has kids. But the only time I've been to CP is for a spa break, and it was great. You say you like girly things like getting nails done - would booking some spa treatments make it more bearable?

I think it was rude to ask- the implication being that you’re not happy with the people going so want to bring someone else- which is pretty much what you’ve said, you find it boring so thought it would be better with your nephew there. Asking on a group chat put them on the back foot.

I understand your rationale and I think, depending on your relationship and how you think they’d react, it’s not necessarily rude to ask to bring your nephew. The thing that strikes me though is “my SIL is planning a trip…” followed by “I asked my BIL if I could bring”. Maybe I’m picking up on the wrong thing here but if it is your SIL putting in the leg-work then maybe you should have asked her initially, not her partner.

Anyway, I think it’s most probably fine to ask but equally fine that they have said no. Hopefully no harm done due to the miscommunication between BIL and SIL and hope that nephew hasn’t been let down in all of this.

Sil is mean

Also how old are these children I may of missed.

but I wouldn’t want a random 15 year old boy on my paid for birthday treat, nor would I want a toddler adding extra chaos either.

sleeping over sharing a base is very different from seeing someone at a party for a couple of hours.

I don’t think it was wrong of you to suggest bringing your nephew (as you said it is a child focused holiday so he could join in). I think your sil actually seems a bit presumptuous that you will be focused on her child. I’ve experienced being the childless adult in a group like this before and definitely feel there can be expectations! Feel like your sil saw her free babysitter slipping away!

You did nothing wrong by asking OP. Wanting to take your nephew in that situation makes complete sense. Unfortunately, as your SIL is paying and she doesn’t want to welcome another child because she wants all your attention on her daughter, you either have to play her game or not go.

Wow. So rude. I'm cringing for you.

It was really poor form to ask them within the group chat.

“I would never have unilaterally decided to bring nephew without asking”

But you did “unilaterally” decide to ask. This is a family event for your side of the family - I can totally understand why SIL wouldn’t want your nephew, who is a part of your family, but not of hers. SIL not unnaturally wants it to be all about the birthday girl, her daughter, and doesn’t want her auntie occupied with another child whom she knows of, but doesn’t really know.