SIL asking I don't bring my nephew along to Centre Parc holiday trip

[Pline]

SIL has arranged a big birthday trip for her eldest daughter to Centre Paris. They are being very generous and paying for our accommodation. There will be around 15 of us all together including grandparents. Dh and I don’t have children so CP isn’t exactly somewhere we would choose to go but we enjoy the family and wish to participate in the celebrations. I thought it would be nice if I brought my own sister’s child. I felt I would feel like a bit of a spare part if I didn’t have anything to do iykwim. My nephew is a lovely, cute boy. And the same age as the birthday girl. They have played in the past but don’t live close so aren’t friends or anything. Both children are sociable and well behaved.

I asked in the group chat if that would be okay. SIL’s husband said “absolutely the more the merrier”. But I just got a message from SIL asking I don’t do so. I’ve asked why and she said Ava (SIL’s daughter - not real name) is very fond of you and would like to spend time with you. Ava is a little clingy to me. I enjoy it. She is a girly girl and I enjoy make up, nails etc which Ava’s mums not so into. Ava is always making about my perfume, lipstick etc.

Am I being exceptionally rude? I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. And the spare bedroom will go empty which is a bit of a waste. I feel like most people would not care. I will of course spend plenty of time with Ava but I have been to Centre Parcs before and I thought having someone else to focus on would make the time a little less…boring.

But obviously SIL is paying. So maybe I am being . rudeUnintentionally.

Speaking as the childless woman in my family: she wants you for additional childcare, OP. If you bring your nephew you'll have less time to keep an eye on/entertain your niece.

In any case, whoever's paying gets to decide who comes.

@Pline I don’t think it’s necessarily rude to ask as it wasn’t an outrageous request like you asking for an upgrade or something and it could have been something made it even more memorable having an extra little cousin along. But I do think it was rude to ask in the group chat as it does rather put the SIL/BIL on the spot and so you the upper hand in a way.

I think it’s a bit presumptuous of your SIL to assume you’d want your holiday to center around her child, even if she is paying (this is the reason I don’t let people pay for me cus they think they can dictate!)

Trip also sounds painful in general if you’ve already been and didn’t particularly enjoy it.

This, you are being totally U.

It's really weird to invite a random child along to a family holiday when that child is not part of said family. Especially when it's a birthday celebration for another child, whom this child doesn't know. It's just all kinds of wrong.

I don’t think it was rude to ask initially, assuming it truly wasn’t an extra cost to the people paying. But now you’ve been told that your niece (it’s unclear if it’s the birthday girl or not, but I don’t think that matters) doesn’t want him to come then it would be really rude to push on and insist.

Your nephew won’t know anyone else on the trip properly, so obviously you’re going to be spending nearly all your time with him. So your niece will be getting less attention from you, and it’s her family (possibly her birthday) trip so she should get a proper say.

I bet she did :)

Yes, it was a very forward, it would change the dynamics of the holiday, especially as they're paying.

This!
No such thing as a free lunch. You will be expected to dance to SIL/Ava's tune the entire time.

No child needs an entourage of 15+ people for an ordinary birthday. Is it too late fo ryou to withdraw?

Surely she can’t be both a spare part and the childcare? The person I replied to said she’s to be the childcare and needs time alone but the OP WANTS to be the childcare?

I don't think you were wrong to ask.

I also think I'd decline since SIL said no.

But that's me.

How much "attention" does a child need, birthday or not?

Sounds like a little Veruca Salt in the making!

This is such a nasty Mumsnetty response. Why shouldn't a child be excited to see their auntie and want her undivided attention? I don't know anyone who'd begrudge this in real life.

DH and I have been to CP loads without kids. In our 20s 😂🙃 There’s lots to do if you’re willing to spend a few quid and not just sit in the chalet or by the pool.

The first time, pre children, that I went to CP I found it so boring…. Post children it’s great! I can see why you thought having nephew would help the imbalance but I can see why SIL wouldn’t want them there- it changes the dynamics! Hope you enjoy it OP. Definitely escape to the spa for a treat!!

You've learnt that there's no such thing as a free lunch.
This kind of thing wouldn't bother me, especially as there's room to fill and there are 2 of you to look after your nephew, but your SIL has different ideas.

Of course you're being exceptionally unreasonable. Your SIL is paying for everyone which will cost thousands of pounds and you're asking to bring an extra child that isn't even related to your SIL or that side of the family at all. Read a book if you're bored or go to the spa or something.

I really just thought it would be a good idea because there is a spare room going and the parents going are very involved parents. That’s obviously great but from the time I’ve spent in similar settings with these people they spend A LOT of time talking about children and child related things. Even the dads! They’re obviously amazing parents so I’m not poking fun I just tend to feel a bit unable to contribute.

Maybe I’m over thinking it.

I agree with the majority that as much as your heart was in a good place you’ve missed the mark on this one. Just suck it up and move past it!

Also, as someone who did CP in a group pre-kids you can have a great time. Are you going to one with a spa? I went twice during a 3 night stay. Rented a bike, granted you can’t go far but did some rides around the trails. I went for a few early morning runs when it was absolutely dead other than some knackered looking parents pushing cranky babies in prams. Enjoyed the pool later when all the kids had left. Enjoy!

@Pline
I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask- although I wouldn’t have done it on the group chat.

The accommodation has been paid for- so it wouldn’t cost SIL anymore to bring your nephew if you covered all other expenses. I appreciate it’s her prerogative to refuse though- as she paid.

Paying for a holiday for someone should not make them indebted to you - it’s not a benefit in lieu of payment for a service.

You sound good with kids and kind, and I am sure that you will spend time with your SIL’s daughter regardless. In my view, it would have been perfectly ok to do this with your nephew present too. It may not be undivided attention- but so what? She’s got parents and other adults around too.

Maybe SIL should engage in girly things for benefit of daughter if she feels so important?

OP's latest response confirms that she's not likely to be used as "free childcare" as so many ungraciously assumed.

This place is so weird sometimes.

I think if you'd asked if you could bring your nephew and offered to pay for him, it may have looked better. Your BIL said yes, because he clearly didn't care if your nephew came, he didn't discuss it with your SIL before answering you. Once she found out, she has now made it clear that your nephew isn't invited. I appreciate that your niece likes spending time with you, which is lovely but I am wondering if you've been lined up to keep your niece occupied, whilst your SIL and BIL have time to themselves! In which case your SIL wouldn't want your time taken up with your nephew! Of course, I could be being cynical, and my theory might be completely wrong!

Yes, that sounds a nice idea but It’s not about what you want, is it?

Your SIL is arranging this trip as a special celebration for her daughter.

When someone else is kind enough to invite you and is footing the bill, you either accept or decline the invitation.

You don’t start trying to work out how to improve the event for your own benefit. That’s what’s coming across as a bit rude.

So if OP invites nephew and her sibling on a day pass and choses to spend time with them instead of a day in spa or other “adult” time- would that be ok?

They are entitled to invite who they want but their reason for not allowing your nephew to come is quite selfish. Don’t let the Klingon niece dictate everything you do, her parents need to entertain her, not you!

They’re obviously happy to pay thousands of pounds for a young kids birthday….im guessing tween?

CP is over £800 for the smallest cabin for 3 nights

I would 🙄 at going if it were my in laws