SIL asking I don't bring my nephew along to Centre Parc holiday trip

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SIL has arranged a big birthday trip for her eldest daughter to Centre Paris. They are being very generous and paying for our accommodation. There will be around 15 of us all together including grandparents. Dh and I don’t have children so CP isn’t exactly somewhere we would choose to go but we enjoy the family and wish to participate in the celebrations. I thought it would be nice if I brought my own sister’s child. I felt I would feel like a bit of a spare part if I didn’t have anything to do iykwim. My nephew is a lovely, cute boy. And the same age as the birthday girl. They have played in the past but don’t live close so aren’t friends or anything. Both children are sociable and well behaved.

I asked in the group chat if that would be okay. SIL’s husband said “absolutely the more the merrier”. But I just got a message from SIL asking I don’t do so. I’ve asked why and she said Ava (SIL’s daughter - not real name) is very fond of you and would like to spend time with you. Ava is a little clingy to me. I enjoy it. She is a girly girl and I enjoy make up, nails etc which Ava’s mums not so into. Ava is always making about my perfume, lipstick etc.

Am I being exceptionally rude? I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. And the spare bedroom will go empty which is a bit of a waste. I feel like most people would not care. I will of course spend plenty of time with Ava but I have been to Centre Parcs before and I thought having someone else to focus on would make the time a little less…boring.

But obviously SIL is paying. So maybe I am being . rudeUnintentionally.

Your nephew sounds a bit young to be taken away from their parents for a weekend, to spend time with a load of strangers? I loved babysitting my nieces and nephews when they were little. But, a whole weekend without their parents there to step in would have been a bit too stressful for me and them no doubt!

Unbelievable

There is no way you got invited on a free holiday for a child, and you asked if you could bring another child that you kinda prefer.

There is no way anyone would do this.

Wow the comments that OP is rude are hilarious. It was just an ask and it is pretty rude for SiL to suggest she is doing a nice thing when in fact she is putting the OP in a position of not being able to escape!
The ‘flattering’ that the girl likes spending time with her ‘fun Auntie’ is so clearly going to lead to the OP doing a lot of things with this child. No child need the undivided attention of an Auntie by marriage for a whole weekend however that is what the SIL wants.

Also the nephew is not a total random - he is more related to the OP than the SIL kid and they have all met before and the children have played together.

I would either be booking an extended visit to the Spa or not going. I wouldn’t want to be forced to play with a child in this sort of situation. Playing a bit during visits is one thing but this sounds full on if the SIL doesn’t want the OP to be at all distracted.

I’m actually confused that anyone thinks you can just sneak an extra child in for no extra cost at centre parcs?! it’s never worked like that.

Wow the comments that OP is rude are hilarious. It was just an ask and it is pretty rude for SiL to suggest she is doing a nice thing when in fact she is putting the OP in a position of not being able to escape!
OP, can use her words to say no too Sounds like an invitation not a summons

That sounds like a tricky way to live. I go in with thinking my ask is reasonable and their no is reasonable. Neither one is objectively reasonable. I find it easy to say no though, which I think probably helps. It means people can always trust my yes.

Different strokes and all that.

Tbh even if you were paying yourself i think its really odd to want to take your nephew from your side to a family get together of your DH's side of the family!

This child isn't related to any of them, why would they want him there presumably they dont know him very well, have they even ever met him?? I can entirely understand why your SIL feels this way, it would be like being on holiday where a random child you dont know attached themselves to your group all week and wouldn't go away.

Not really sure what you were thinking tbh OP, and it must be so obvious you prefer your nephew and want to spend the time with him.

But you also asked in a group making it awkward for them to decline.

And as you keep bringing up but you'll be bored then you could have either taken things to keep you occupied or not accepted the invitation and saved your sil money. Your DH could stayed with you or gone alone - to which I suspect you would have had a problem with that too.

No way would have asked this, but as it is your sil birthday it ia up to her no one else

Go or not but i cant beleive you thought this was a good idea

Because nobody else knows this child, its a family get together, a group all related to each other!!
OP's nephew is not a member of that family group as hes from the other side of the family. These are not his grandparents, aunties uncles cousins.

Only OP and her husband are connected to him, OP obv just saw a chance to treat her own nephew without having to pay much to do so and frankly i think she had quite a nerve

you could decline if you’ll be bored however you’ve basically now said “I will be bored with entertaining your DD but not with my DN there” so you’ve probably now shot yourself in the foot with regards that!

can you look at what it has to offer spa wise? Again it’ll be difficult to justify it as she’s invited you to her DDs celebration (and paid!) but you may get away with juggling some individual stuff.

I’ve been to CP loads of times with teen DS and we have a great time the 2 of us but I cannot imagine a group visit as everyone has such different needs and the activities are so varied.

You find him the most adorable little boy because he’s your nephew.

To your husbands family he’s just some random annoying 4 year old.

Your husbands family want to go away as their family unit and not have the dynamics changed and a stranger be there.

You wouldn’t go on a girls holiday with your friends and invite along Shelia from accounting at work because she’s not part of your friendship group.

You were thinking of yourself in this situation and you should probably just send a message apologising and saying you didn’t think before you asked and that you’re really looking forward to the trip.

It just all screams of you wanting to play house with him!

Taking a 4 year old away from his parents to a house full of people he hardly knows doesn’t sound like a fun time for the 4 year old.

I agree. You should have declined the invite if you thought that you would be bored.

I was just thinking that you couldn't imagine inviting another adult among to a trip like this - I think another child is the same thing really. SIL wants to go away just as her family, I think that's understandable.

I think some families absolutely are the more the merrier types but everyone's different

Just as well it’s not your birthday, eh?

Anyway, sounds like there will be other kids there in the birthday group so should be a different experience this time round.

I can’t believe someone would be bored in centre Parcs, I have never been anywhere with more things to do.

What do you do at home that is not available CentreParcs?

This is a load is shite.

If she’s not allowed to do the activities she wants and has to sit around in the large family group then that could be very boring.

I get your point op and I think you’ve explained yourself well. You’re going on a family holiday with a bunch of young families who are understandably going to be doing kid friendly things. You either join in with them with no kid of your own (which I get might begin to feel awkward) or you go off and do something different which negates the point of attending a family gathering.

I think op just thought that bringing her nephew would would firstly make use of a spare room and secondly mean she could interact with the rest of the parents and kids. And obviously it would be a good experience for the lad too.

Your SIL is within her rights to decide who she wants there but given that it would incur no extra cost to her and the reasons she gave about her own child, I would be very skeptical about her actual motives for saying no. I expect she’s thinking of dumping her child on you and doesn’t want you distracted by anyone else. It’s very generous of her to pay for this but you don’t have to bow to her whim just because of it.

I think asking was quite rude to be honest. It's SIL's invitation and her hospitality which is on offer, and asking for someone else to come is an attempt to renegotiate that. It's like saying what she's offered isn't good enough so you want to make it your own. Adding to that, asking her puts her in the position of having to say no and work out how to do so tactfully and/or be the bad guy. And doing it in a group setting magnifies all of that.

Adding an extra child to the mix makes it more difficult for everyone else in different ways. Will the kids get on? Will he be horribly homesick? Will he be happy to hang around with you or will he want to hang around the other kids, and put extra supervision duties on the other parents? Will you be ok supervising him in the pool or will someone else have to step in?

These are the sort of worries I'd have if someone asked me this question, if I was your SIL and it would change the holiday from something I'd be looking forward to, to something I'd be gritting my teeth over.

I think you've overestimated how happily small children can be taken away from their parents and put in a new environment with lots of people they don't know well. CP can be overwhelming as well. My son was exhausting when he was 4 - charming as he could be for a few hours babysitting with a beloved aunt! Other parents are more likely to be aware of this, and be worried that this is going to impose on their time. They might be wrong, of course, but they don't want to spend ££££ finding out.

Or SIL could be worried that OP is being naive about how much supervision is involved with a 4YO at CP and that she's going to have to step in.

It’s rude because she asked in a group chat, not to SIL or BIL privately.

Simple as that.

OP has realised that wasn’t the way to go about it.

It’s Central Parcs, not jail. I’ve been on plenty of family holidays with my in-laws that are not my thing so I simply find something to do that I enjoy. We stay in the same accommodations but meet up for dinner. Everyone does what they enjoy, some go in groups, others go alone, we’re not expected to be with each other the entire time.

I also highly doubt that the niece will take up the entire time with OP and OP also says she enjoys spending time with her niece.

If OP really can’t find anything to do there she should decline.

A bit weird to me to think I’ll bring another child to an accommodation I’m not paying for to make a place enjoyable when you’ll be responsible for said child the entire time. Would the in-laws be expected to keep an eye on her nephew if her and her DH want to go out alone? Would the 4 yo nephew be comfortable with that?

I expect she’s thinking of dumping her child on you and doesn’t want you distracted by anyone else.

OP’s trying to bring her nephew because her and her spouse are the only ones without kids and OP said the rest are young families. Bet the niece will likely be playing with her cousins and the likelihood of “dumping” niece when grandparents and other family around is likely slim.

Doubtful. She just wants a babysitter.

I find that on MN you are always berated for being grabby/cheeky/narcissistic/expecting too much for things that IRL would not be a big deal at all.

I can’t understand what difference one small child in a group of 15 would make to the SIL. She isn’t looking after him and there is a spare room so no added expense to her. But it’s her choice obviously since she paid.

Don’t go then.

Nephew often has sleepovers at mine. I do a lot of childminding for BIL and sister. I can almost guarantee he would be absolutely fine. I’ve cared for him when his parents went abroad for a funeral and he was happy as Larry