Things you wouldn't admit in real life part 2

[TwinklyFawn]

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Namechanged for this.

I never talk about it out loud, but I'm so pleased with myself for not having children. I think about it every day. It's at the back of my mind every time I talk to someone with kids, or see or hear a child.

I respect children and want them to be safe and happy (part of my job is to fundraise for children's community projects), but I never want them near me, and never, ever want one in my home. I can't fathom what possesses people to have children by choice, especially in this day and age. To me, there are plenty of people who are already alive who could benefit from my skill set, so that's what I apply myself to.

When people with children talk about their fantasy of a perfect day/life, they very often describe a life just like mine. Quiet, clean house, doing as I please, my money being mine alone, making modest but carefree travel plans. I have never once fantasised about a life with children, it looks positively masochistic.

When I was younger, people told me I'd regret not having children. One people even described it as "cheating". Now I'm older, people are starting to admit that they think I made the better call. I pretend not to know what they mean and say "Oh, I'm sure that's not true! Everyone's different!". But I agree.

When people say that childfree women "don't know how hard it is to be a parent", they're wrong, I do know, that's why I didn't do it. When people say I "don't know how good I have it", I do know, that's why I made the choices I did. I think about how good I have it every day I wake up!

I'd go as far as to say that I'm smug as fuck. But it would be rude of me to let on in real life, so I keep it quiet.

Oh god my boyfriend is a PT. He recently told me that a client said if things don't work out living with me she has a spare room. Shes married, but I was still a bit 'wtf!'. lol. Hes v. attractive so its gonna happen hey.

*one PERSON, not "one people"! Whoops :)

Sorry to say it. But that smugness can quickly turn when you're old and vulnerable and realise there's no invite to Christmas dinner for you, brothers and sisters all dead , parents dead. You're it. Last of the line. No cuddles or coffees out when you're lonely. Not being able to relate to your peers having "grandchildren" as you get older. Friends will naturally be far more tied up with their growing families for time with a friend who doesn't understand. I know it sounds harsh (and good for you for being happy with your choices ) but that smugness might not last forever when you're older, vulnerable and in a slightly less "usual" situation than your peers. My aunt never had children (not entirely through choice ) and she felt so depressed in old age when all her sisters died and she had no first degree relatives and beyond. (Although she had us it wasn't the same )

Also, truthfully, although life is incredibly busy at times , my children are my world and they bring me untold joy. I don't get people that moan about kids and parenting. Sure, it's busy. But i don't find it hard work. i feel lucky . Incredibly lucky.

That all love is conditional. We are socialised to believe (especially as women) that we will always unconditionally love our children. I believed that - I don't believe that to be true anymore. I dont love my eldest adult child. She is simply a very horrible ugly person, and I am glad she is no longer in my life. I don't miss her at all, I haven't seen her for years, and she got back in touch a few months back, and she was ugly as ever, and I want nothing to do with her ever. I don't love her, like her, or miss her. I try to never think about her.

I feel I can never admit this in real life as it would make me a monster.

I'm happy for you, as it sounds like you have a wonderful family.

I respectfully disagree about the risk of vulnerability. My work in the charity sector has taught me that we're all vulnerable. Even someone with an enormous family is a divorce/tragedy/change in fortune away from crisis. We all try our best but nothing is a guarantee.

Myself, I have a large and diverse circle of mostly childfree friends, many of whom are in their seventies and very interconnected with a wide support network. I see a lot of my extended family too. And as for Christmas, I try my best to escape it most years, and don't feel like I'm missing much!

A house with children in it does not a "secure family" make, necessarily.

You probably haven't noticed them because they blend in so well. They just look really well for their age.

That's fair enough and actually it's far better to not really want children and not have them , than have them (as many seem to !) and then decide it's probably not for you. You see it all the time on here from people. So I respect your choice. I guess I always think of my aunt and how depressed she became later in life, but there again she married a man 20 years older than her who already had children and he didn't want anymore. She did but went along with his wishes then regretted it. So I guess it's an entirely different situation.

Why can't you understand that some people don't want children and enjoy their freedom? Having children is no guarantee of being cared for when you're old, children cost a fortune and not everybody enjoys being with them. You sound quite smug about having children to me. Yes, you're lucky but some people with children aren't. I do have children, by the way, and they are wonderful. I'm glad they are here. But I can understand that having children isn't what everybody wants.

Also, truthfully, although life is incredibly busy at times , my children are my world and they bring me untold joy. I don't get people that moan about kids and parenting. Sure, it's busy. But i don't find it hard work. i feel lucky . Incredibly lucky

This is just cliche saccharine insta mum posting. I have amazing kids who have now left home. However, I completely believe childfree friends who have made a valid decision and are happy living life their way.

Most people who are childfree by choice do not regret their decisions even when they are 70 or 80 as they have planned and adapted their lives that way, and always knew they won’t have kids or grandkids around. Indeed many do better than those whose children and grandchildren are estranged/live abroad/have disappointed them.

There is no guarantee your kids will be at your beck and call when you are 90.

But she made the right decision for HER. Maybe she will regret it at the end of her life if she has no close relatives around but, for the majority of her life, it will have been the right decision. Care homes are full of people with children that have no visitors. What if your child decides to emigrate to Australia? Or gets a partner who can't stand you and who, somehow, manipulates them into going n.c. with you?

Now I'm older, people are starting to admit that they think I made the better call.

I always make an off-hand "ooh, I'm so jealous of your lovely quiet life!" remark when in conversation with acquaintances who chose not to kids.

It's a lie, I actually really pity them, but would never say that to their face.

You're the one who sounds smug with 'my children are my world'. I always think that sounds as if you're looking down on childfree people.

my children are my world

And people who do this are making a big mistake imo. And are in for a shock when their adult kids don’t make their parents their whole ‘world’.

Why do you pity them? And also, why lie? Just don't say anything. We childfree people don't need your pity, how incredibly patronising. I choose not to have children, which is right for me, but I wouldn't presume that someone who has children is wrong, because they're not me! That being said, take a look at the subreddit 'Regretful Parents'. Bit of an eye opener. A lot of people who have children DO regret it, and I think that's far worse than someone regretting not having children.

And this, right here. There are so many people on this site whining because their adult kids don't want to spend all that much time with them.

I pity them because, to me, it sounds like a lonely life.

What else should I say when they're telling me about a weekend spent alone, or having Christmas lunch at a local pub with friends? I can't say "bloody hell, that sounds depressing" so I pretend it sounds wonderful instead. No harm done.

Honestly this is fine and I'm sorry people are jumping on you.

The idea that everyone is secretly pleased as punch about their own life choices sounds great to me. It's win-win!

Maybe they don't find it depressing. I personally do not enjoy being around children whatsoever, so I would find a meal with kids running around dire. I wouldn't say so to someone with kids, of course, but I wouldn't envy them at all.

It's fine that she enjoys her life. Less fine that she assumes that everyone else's life is awful. I sort of get it, in that if I'm quite honest I don't understand what anyone could possibly find rewarding about parenthood, but I understand that everyone's different.

A hazard of the job for sure! I'm happily married to a guy I think is really hot, but it's fun to let my mind wander!

I really hope this very interesting (and possibly quite therapeutic) thread does not turn into yet another 'parent vs. 'non-parent' debate. These crop up regularly elsewhere!

I'm always kind and supportive to friends without children, so it really doesn't matter in the slightest that I privately think their lives sound depressing. We're all entitled to our own thoughts and feelings.

My point was, I wouldn't always take everything people say at face value, specifically those saying they would prefer your child-free life over their own.

I get it. I am childless not by choice and now widowed. Apart from a brief patch during peri when my hormones went berserk, I have never wanted or missed having children and neither did my late husband. I don't discuss it either.

That when my friend discovered her DH of 10 years was cheating, I was sad more than sympathetic because I knew she'd catch him eventually & use it to take the DC & move home to other side of the world. Which she did. Pronto.

I never had proof, but knew he was the the moment I met him. Utterly selfish party boy who would do anything but stay home & help parent his DC.