Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

[mermaidproblems]

Am I BU? I didn’t think so ?!!!

MIL has lost it today over DP not being able to have fish and chips with her . I’m allergic to fish, shellfish and peanuts. We’ve always had the agreement he avoids these foods too. She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

My DC has a severe nut allergy. Nuts were (before we found out when he was a baby) my absolute favourite thing. I ate them all the time and was gutted when he turned out to have an allergy to them but the second i found out that being around them could kill him, giving them up was not an issue, although I missed them initially.

Weirdly now the thought of eating the particular nuts they are allergic too makes me feel sick, even the smell of them. If it was my DH with the same allergy, I wouldnt hesitate to not eat something that could make him physically ill. Having seen my DC have an anaphylactic reaction, I would never knowingly put anyone through that. However this has been a battle ive had to fight for my DC many many times over the years , even family members still bought sweets with nuts in, given them food with "may "contain" warnings and generally just dont get it. I had to make a formal complaint about a club DC had attended for many years who fed a group of children peanut butter sandwiches and though washing the knife before cutting their sandwich was adequate. They just didnt understand cross contamination and that that could lead to a full blown reaction. That's just one example, there have been many of the years.

ive found if people dont have to live serious allergies everyday, it is really hard to get their heads around and just washing the knife sounded reasonable to the person who was leading the group.
This did lead to a really good discussion about allergies that helped keep more then just my DC safe at other events and involved AAI (Epipen etc) training for the people in charge.

Allergens stay in your system for 24 hours, no amount of tooth brushing, handwashing etc can get rid of it. One of my biggest fears in life is that my now teenage DCs first kiss may kill them if the other person has been eating nuts in the day beforehand . Thankfully we have taught them to advocate for themselves well and they aren't worried about saying please dont eat nuts around me and explaining why its important not to.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds like prior to this your DP has been understanding, hopefully he wont let his DM influence him further, you have to advocate for your own needs if its genuinely a matter of life or death. I wish people understood severe allergies more.

New fear unlocked - girlfriends.

and mother in laws who don’t get it.

So his mum says you are controlling because he has chosen not to risk eating fish. But the fact that she wants him to eat fish so they both have the same is fine????

I am severely allergic to mushrooms and go I to anaphylactic shock if I eat any. I would never dream of asking DH not to eat mushrooms though. He's a vegetarian and has quite a few mushrooms and mushroom based products. He cleans his teeth immediately after eating them always. If he has them he uses separate utensils and pan.

When I have had fish suppers some people have had fish, some have pies, some chicken etc. Everyone doesn't have to have the same. Your MiL is bit controlling.

Reading your update to see that you've had a reaction before when he'd eaten fish - your MIL is being awful. She's seen your DP prioritising your welfare (as he should!) and decided that this is about her and her wanting to make him eat fish. She sounds like a nightmare - why can't he have a sausage?! Utterly ridiculous.

She's an absolute bloody idiot then. Does she not realise that your allergy is so severe that cross-contamination has the potential to kill you?

You are not being unreasonable. I carry epi pens and terrified my partner last time, I wasn't even knowingly allergic to the source. When I was diagnosed he immediately and voluntarily gave up the things I am allergic to, including things he loved. If his Mum complained he would set her straight, your partner should tell Old Mother Hubbard she can eat fish and chips with anyone else, anytime. I’m guessing the people saying YABU have never had or seen anaphylaxis, it is terrifying for everyone concerned, I even terrified the medical last time!

I think MIL sounds like she is the one controlling what others eat in a weird way! Why does she need her son to eat what she is eating? Totally bizarre behaviour!

it’s normal and healthy to refrain from doing things that harm other people but it’s very strange to insist on someone eating something when they have good reason not to!

It terrifies me how shit some people are with allergies. My mother is coeliac and I’ve seen nurses quite happily serve up weetabix to her in hospital despite the big bloody sign saying gluten free. So I do think general ignorance plays a role in some people’s weird behaviour over food allergies.

Your partner probably has a degree of trauma over causing a reaction in you and doesn’t want to repeat. That is perfectly rational. Your mil demanding he eats the same as her and getting stroppy is the opposite.

Hi op ignore her he is doing this to keep you safe is she trying to stir up trouble for you? I am sure if he really wanted to eat it he would. His mum is being a diva.

My MIL's one of those, too!

BIL's partner has some significant food allergies, and MIL rolls her eyes when she brings her own food to family events.

I’m with you OP, your MIL is controlling and batshit.

I’m severely allergic to peanuts and react even if someone has eaten some and breathes on me.

When husband and I first started dating, he ate a snickers at lunch and reacted severely later that evening when we kissed. He’s never eaten peanuts when I’m around since then.

My two boys aren’t allergic either but neither will eat peanuts because if they eat them and come into contact with me I react badly.

It’s just common bloody sense that if you live with someone with severe allergies, you avoid those allergens like the plague.

Your daughter has a different level of reaction to the OP. She's already explained what happened last time, 8 hours after her DH had washed, cleaned his teeth, etc.

Mumsnet is wild. A man doesnt eat fish cos it could literally kill his wife and he’s considerate, a keeper, his mother shoukd be proud of him etc. Other threads a man does some tiny infraction and it’s LTB, I could never ever be married to someone like that, was he always so horrible a partner etc. The standards are either horribly high or horribly low

Dh has a nut allergy - I don’t often eat nuts around him because even the sight of them make him feel a bit sick and a little bit panicked but when he’s not around I’ll indulge. I’m happy to be supportive, I’m not happy to be controlled. YANU

MIL sounds like my Mum - everyone has to do everything her way, even if it means them not enjoying something, because that’s how it’s “meant to be done”. Other people are only allowed to have fun on her terms, which means she sucks the fun out of every situation and then wonders why her family don’t want to spend more time with her!

Your MIL has a cheek calling you controlling when she thinks her stupid social rules are more important than avoiding putting your life at risk, and she’s conveniently ignoring the fact that the total fish avoidance (new band name anyone?!) is her son’s choice. She’s obviously a control freak who is projecting her own shit onto you.

MIL is being unreasonable.

I have a child who is allergic to peanuts. Dh has not eaten peanuts since he was 11 months old which was when we found out. (He's 15 now). It used to be DH's favourite snack but he switched to cashews without any problem. I often travel for work and will eat peanuts if i have a minimum of 48 hours between the meal and coming home.

Giving up peanuts. or fish. or some other product is trivial compared to what can happen to someone with an anaphylactic allergy.

FWIW I recently tried Aldi's vegetarian battered 'fish'. I truly could not tell the difference.

But anyone who thinks a moment of pleasure on the lips trumps possible death is a fucking moron.

@mermaidproblems I have a severe anaphylaxis reaction to certain peppers and spices including paprika chilli curry etc. I carry epipens etc. Someone else eating it and then talking to me has in the past caused me to have a nasty reaction from traces in the spit that naturally os released when people talk. I work in a building with a restaurant underneath, we share aircon systems and when they are cooking chili I have to take additional meds and ve very careful because it can cause me to become ill.

Dd has an anaphylaxis reaction to citrus fruits, even her friends parents ensure they haven't had it or have it in the house when she is due to go to their house

Your MIl is a twat. You have done nothing wrong.

There’s only one controlling person in this situation.

And it’s definitely not you @mermaidproblems

It's not even about the allergy really. To me it's the fact that you two have decided something as a couple (which in my opinion is pretty sensible considering how severely allergic you are) and your mother in law isn't respecting it.

She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

Lol. And there she is, telling DH what he can and can’t eat when out with her.

I would text back “It’s DH’s decision. You are too controlling, you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat”

She sounds batshit. Even if she feels eye-rolley about it and doesn’t respect her Ds’s response to you being hospitalised as a result of physical contact, who actually sends a message like that to their DIL? Having a tantrum because she wants to have matching plates.

Batshit.

This is what I was going to say. If you kiss someone who has recently eaten something that you are severely allergic to,it can trigger a reaction.

MiL is unreasonable.. if people understood the severity of allergies they would think before they speak.
Does she not realise you could be hospitalised or worse .

YANBU, sounds like your MiL is the controlling one.