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AIBU?

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Original poster

Niece and my wedding

497 replies

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 16:28

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2025 19:01

@BeleagueredBride Can you clarify a couple of things from your post?

You mentioned your brother wanting to talk to you on Sunday but you ended up speaking on Monday instead, when he asked if his partner's daughter was invited. Then later in your post you said that your brother had a conversation with his daughter on Sunday where she said her sister wouldn't go if the partner's daughter was invited.

Which conversation happened first? Did your brother ask you to invite his partner's daughter on Monday the day after he had had that conversation with his daughter (i.e. he already knew one of his daughters would be unhappy about it when he asked you), or did he ask you to invite his partner's daughter on the Monday and then the following Sunday he had the conversation with his daughter?

And assuming he's the one who told you what his daughter said, why is he putting this decision on you? He put pressure on you to invite his partner's daughter, his own daughter isn't happy about it, what does he want you to do about it?

BuildbyNumbere · 15/10/2025 19:01

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 18:53

My brother has two daughters, 10 and 14 from his marriage. This marriage broke down as my sister-in-law didn’t wish to carry on living where they lived

He has lived with a partner with a 9 year old who does not see her own father for about 14 months.

My nieces are not brats, I have only seen them with the partner’s little girl on Boxing Day. My decision would be extremely easy if they were brats.

I am particularly sensitive to this issue because of my daughter’s experience with HER OWN father’s stepchild.

I don’t know why I am posting.

I will see how things pan out over Christmas but I will speak to my brother beforehand. I won’t sacrifice my nieces’ happiness on what should be a happy day.

But why would they be unhappy if the 9 year old is at the wedding??

SerafinasGoose · 15/10/2025 19:02

Northerngirl821 · 15/10/2025 18:54

It’s not her stepdaughter, it’s her brother’s stepdaughter ie the stepsister of the nieces.

Impossible to say who should get priority without knowing ages, how long the brother has been with the stepdaughter’s mother etc.

Show quote history

OK. The original post wasn't entirely clear, but if this is so I have to wonder if the brother preempted this for some reason he was privy to and you were not, OP.

Personally I wouldn't be played by either site, issue the invitations and let them sort themselves out. Holding a family member's wedding to ransom in this way really isn't on.

We've never regretted doing a flit overseas and marrying quietly. At least that way any objections were held onto until we'd got back, by which time nobody could spoil it!

tiresomee · 15/10/2025 19:03

Your own daughter’s experience is irrelevant. Your nieces ARE being brats and quite cruel towards this little girl who doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong. It’s jealousy. They’re old enough to know better and so are you.

Tiswa · 15/10/2025 19:04

Your brother needs to deal with this it is his family so it is his mess to deal with. Make it very clear to him that even though you don’t have an issue with his partner and her daughter coming your priority here are your nieces (who are clearly struggling with the family breakdown) and will only sanction if they agree to it

ToddlerTornado · 15/10/2025 19:04

OP I do not understand this at all, can you reword this to make it clearer

MummytoE · 15/10/2025 19:05

ToddlerTornado · 15/10/2025 19:04

OP I do not understand this at all, can you reword this to make it clearer

The update is slightly clearer x

Original poster
BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:09

Conversation at Sunday lunch where partner’s daughter was present with her mum, my brother and my own niece.

On her own with my brother my niece reported what her sister, older niece had said. She also said she couldn’t understand why the stepdaughter is always there at their family’s meals.

Brother told me on Monday that his partner is worried that I won’t invite her daughter. I hadn’t given it any thought.

As unpopular as this might make me I am going to speak to my brother and say that I will reconsider as I want my nieces to be happy.

They are nice girls genuinely.

OP posts:
xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 15/10/2025 19:10

The 14 year old is old enough to not be a bitch to a 9 year old.

What they're asking you to do is cruel.

godmum56 · 15/10/2025 19:10

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:09

Conversation at Sunday lunch where partner’s daughter was present with her mum, my brother and my own niece.

On her own with my brother my niece reported what her sister, older niece had said. She also said she couldn’t understand why the stepdaughter is always there at their family’s meals.

Brother told me on Monday that his partner is worried that I won’t invite her daughter. I hadn’t given it any thought.

As unpopular as this might make me I am going to speak to my brother and say that I will reconsider as I want my nieces to be happy.

They are nice girls genuinely.

they may be nice but this behaviour is NOT

Xiaoxiong · 15/10/2025 19:11

godmum56 · 15/10/2025 18:59

I dunno.....I am someone who will never give in to blackmail. I would give "if she is coming we won't" very short shrift indeed. Given their age and situation, I might give it gentle and understanding short shrift but I would NOT stand for it....also the "what will you be doing while WE are all at the wedding" was quite an unpleasant thing to say. Brats or not, I'd like to remind you that you have already agreed that the step should come and this is YOUR day not theirs.

Edited

I agree with this. If everyone is invited, then it's their choice whether they exclude themselves or not. Nobody can blame you for choosing anyone over anyone else.

It's a stickier wicket if you start uninviting people, or inviting some but not others - but you've done the opposite and taken the kindest and most inclusive approach of inviting everyone. It's then up to them if they come or not - it's an invitation, not a summons.

KmcK87 · 15/10/2025 19:12

Yeah no your nieces are being bitchy here. Under no circumstances would they be dictating who is going to my wedding. Please don’t uninvite the 9 year old unless there’s a massive backstory you aren’t telling us about.

Marieb19 · 15/10/2025 19:13

IF what your younger neice says is true, then your older neice is behaving very badly. You can not enable 10 and 13 year olds to exclude a 9 year old out of misplaced jealousy. If your neices are as reasonable as you claim, I'm sure you can impressvupon them how unfair it would be to exclude a little girl from your wedding, who had nothing to do with their parents break up. They probably wouldn't want to pass up the opportunity to be bridesmaids.

AnxietySloth · 15/10/2025 19:13

Nobody is a brat. This is just the product - once again - of selfish adults prioritising their own wish for a live-in shag over what's best for their children.

The poor nieces have had to deal with the breakdown of their family and then seeing their dad move in and play dad to a child of a very similar age to themselves. That's unbelievably hard for them.

Now it's THEIR auntie's wedding and once again the child is going to be there playing happy families with their dad and THEIR family. I get it.

The 9 year old hasn't done anything wrong either. Her mum just shacked up with a man who already had a family. She doesn't deserve to get left out either.

I think as the bride I'd take my nieces aside and tell them that all the children of all the people whom you've invited are welcome at your wedding. But that THEY are your nieces and special to you and nobody will ever take their place in your heart. But I absolutely wouldn't be blackmailed into excluding a 9 year old, even if the blackmailers are just damaged children.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 15/10/2025 19:13

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:09

Conversation at Sunday lunch where partner’s daughter was present with her mum, my brother and my own niece.

On her own with my brother my niece reported what her sister, older niece had said. She also said she couldn’t understand why the stepdaughter is always there at their family’s meals.

Brother told me on Monday that his partner is worried that I won’t invite her daughter. I hadn’t given it any thought.

As unpopular as this might make me I am going to speak to my brother and say that I will reconsider as I want my nieces to be happy.

They are nice girls genuinely.

They sound like absolute brats.

The step daughter is invited to family meals because she's family I assume. In fact it's nice that she's included in family stuff and not made to feel like an outsider.

sandyhappypeople · 15/10/2025 19:14

This is your brothers problem really, he has basically asked that his partners daughter be invited without thinking about how it will make his daughters feel, it sounds like there is tension there in the household.

Although...
My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

What sort of passive aggressive shit is this?? It sounds like the nieces are jealous as their dad now lives with this other girl and her attempt to make her feel isolated from family proceedings really backfired upon learning that she had actually been invited, no wonder she's now pissed off, serves her right!

I think you need to talk to your brother again and get his advice, and also tell the nieces that you want them to be bridesmaids and their mum is also invited, it's up to them if they want to come or not, but they need all the information.

DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix · 15/10/2025 19:14

AnxietySloth · 15/10/2025 19:13

Nobody is a brat. This is just the product - once again - of selfish adults prioritising their own wish for a live-in shag over what's best for their children.

The poor nieces have had to deal with the breakdown of their family and then seeing their dad move in and play dad to a child of a very similar age to themselves. That's unbelievably hard for them.

Now it's THEIR auntie's wedding and once again the child is going to be there playing happy families with their dad and THEIR family. I get it.

The 9 year old hasn't done anything wrong either. Her mum just shacked up with a man who already had a family. She doesn't deserve to get left out either.

I think as the bride I'd take my nieces aside and tell them that all the children of all the people whom you've invited are welcome at your wedding. But that THEY are your nieces and special to you and nobody will ever take their place in your heart. But I absolutely wouldn't be blackmailed into excluding a 9 year old, even if the blackmailers are just damaged children.

All of this. Sounds like your DB is the problem here OP.

MummytoE · 15/10/2025 19:14

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:09

Conversation at Sunday lunch where partner’s daughter was present with her mum, my brother and my own niece.

On her own with my brother my niece reported what her sister, older niece had said. She also said she couldn’t understand why the stepdaughter is always there at their family’s meals.

Brother told me on Monday that his partner is worried that I won’t invite her daughter. I hadn’t given it any thought.

As unpopular as this might make me I am going to speak to my brother and say that I will reconsider as I want my nieces to be happy.

They are nice girls genuinely.

Be careful, there's no going back from this. Your sister in law will likely never forgive you, or your step niece. Do you really want your wedding day tarnished with such bad memories

MummytoE · 15/10/2025 19:16

Something about weddings makes people think they can treat people like shit. Invite the 3 CHILDREN and sit them at different tables

Original poster
BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:16

I actually said to my brother that I hadn’t thought about his stepdaughter and she could come if nobody else could look after her.

I am going to backtrack because obviously my own nieces are my priority.

So unless he sorts something with them that is my stance.

I don’t see it as my nieces blackmailing me as they have never spoken to me about it.

My own daughter’s enjoyment would also be diminished without her cousins.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 15/10/2025 19:18

Well hopefully your sister in law will stand by her daughter and not go, and your brother will stand by his wife and not attend either 😂

Silvertulips · 15/10/2025 19:19

Why not speak to the 14 year old and see what the issue is? Sounds like she doesn’t like sharing her father and wants some attention? Your brother needs to have a conversation.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2025 19:21

BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:09

Conversation at Sunday lunch where partner’s daughter was present with her mum, my brother and my own niece.

On her own with my brother my niece reported what her sister, older niece had said. She also said she couldn’t understand why the stepdaughter is always there at their family’s meals.

Brother told me on Monday that his partner is worried that I won’t invite her daughter. I hadn’t given it any thought.

As unpopular as this might make me I am going to speak to my brother and say that I will reconsider as I want my nieces to be happy.

They are nice girls genuinely.

So your brother specifically asked you to invite his partner's daughter when he already knew it would cause a row with his own daughters?

That's really not on.

He shouldn't be dragging you and your wedding into his family's issues.

One or both of his daughters are clearly not happy about being in a blended family with a younger girl they have not bonded with, and don't like the fact that she is always there at every family occasion. Instead of being sensitive to their feelings and allowing them to have some family time without their very new stepsister present, as well as doing things all together as a blended family, they appear to be trying to make sure his partner's daughter is always present and included in everything. That's not going to make his daughters more likely to accept her in the long run, it will only breed resentment.

He is handling the situation really badly and now he's made it your problem as well by dragging your wedding into it.

I'm not buying the childcare issue for a 9 year old. Even if she doesn't see her own father, surely she has grandparents or a school friend she could stay with?

RitaIncognita · 15/10/2025 19:21

MummytoE · 15/10/2025 19:16

Something about weddings makes people think they can treat people like shit. Invite the 3 CHILDREN and sit them at different tables

Plus the two nieces are getting to be bridesmaids. You can emphasize that to them, OP. If it's simply a matter of jealousy and no bullying, etc involved by the 9 year old, then I think it would be better to try to talk to your nieces and explain that it would be needlessly cruel to uninvite her and that they are being honored by being bridesmaids which is an outward sign of their importance to you.

Original poster
BeleagueredBride · 15/10/2025 19:21

MummytoE

That would destroy my nieces.

This won’t happen.

I don’t want my wedding tarnished by bad memories but if my nieces aren’t happy it will be.

OP posts:
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