Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

@Bundleflower

The little girl will remember this exclusion forever.

Only if she was led to believe that she is part of this family by her mother. It doesn’t sound like she knows OP well, so the only reason she’d feel excluded from the wedding is if her Mum set her expectations wrongly. She’s not normally interested in the weddings of people she barely knows, so why would this one be different.

I also hope that the little girls stepfather backs away from this needless meanness towards a child.

Wow. You hope that a man backs off from his own children who have done nothing except have difficult feelings around their potential step family? To satisfy a partner and child who think they are entitled to invitations at weddings of people that have little relationship with?

What sort of person are you?

This whole thread is just so sad. Seems endemic nowadays- parents putting themselves and new partners first and just dragging the kids along. To hell with the consequences. Not even just dating someone new but actually moving in and forcing families together. Not to mention a lot of people don't even try at their first marriage anymore. Split up and the poor kids life gets turned upside down

Every update OP posts makes it messier. The relationship is doomed and if they continue to force it, it’ll be at the expense of all their children.

Why did you want to be included in events for non-family or did you genuinely think they were your family?

What a vile attitude to have.

I’m so glad you’re not party of my family. You wouldn’t be welcomed even if you were a “blood relative” with these disgusting views.

Back away from his own children for the sake of an unrelated child that he doesn’t actually want to be a stepfather to? Fucking hell.

OP originally said she’d be able to come if they were unable to source childcare. She didn’t particularly care if she came or not. Of course the nieces attitudes have informed her own opinion, why wouldn’t this be the case? These are her nieces who she loves and wants at her wedding, and as such she’s not going to invite someone that causes them such distress (regardless of whether you think this reasonable) and whose presence means they’ll choose not to attend.

This isn’t a situation that can be resolved with a lecture about kindness that they’ve no doubt already heard. OP not inviting the girl won’t fix the underlying issues in their relationship with a father that’s trying to force happy blended families onto them, but at the very least it won’t make things worse. It will show that their aunt is supportive of them when they clearly need her to be. Their relationship with their father is fracturing because of all this, the relationship with their aunt doesn’t need to follow suit.

If this little girl ‘remembers this forever’ then so be it. By the same token this girl going is something the nieces will remember forever. Someone is going to be hurt no matter what decision OP makes, and she’s obviously not going to make the decision that hurts her own much loved and valued nieces over a someone that really isn’t anyone to her.

I was thinking this. Hopefully the girlfriend and stepdaughter step out of this fucked up family that quite frankly seem a bit messed up.

I’ve changed my mind OP don’t invite them it may give them an excuse to escape your warped sense of normal

‘Escape’? She’s not a hostage.

She actively chose to create this situation alongside OP’s brother, and has remained in it despite the impact on all of the children involved.

Yep!

I'd invite everyone you want there, and let them fight it out between them. Don't get any further involved than sending invitations.

This is such a good life lesson. Deliberately not inviting a child your niece has already been mean to about your wedding may not be doing the best thing by your nieces.
At nine the step daughter could be part of the family for a long time.
Supposing they have another child together? Is everyone going to be invited to family events in the future but the step child left out? All the children need to be reassured they are welcome.
You supporting the step daughter will in turn send the message that you expect your nieces to always have a role in the new family too.

I'm guessing it means neither will then remarry and have the issue of leaving things to stepchildren or not?

I was am a step child.

I never thought my step parents family were my family. They were however my half siblings family. So I expected them to get more and be invited to more things it was their family after all. If my parents divorced I would have never seen them again and actually as an adult I have nothing to do with any of them anyway. No hate just not my family nor are we friends. I’d stop and talk to them in the street and if I was invited to something I might attend might not.

Exactly!

I don’t understand why so many people seem determined to believe that step children are always desperate to be involved with the family of the person their parent has chosen to live with. Most children don’t even want a step parent, never mind their family on top.

Oh and to add I had no father either so not like I had another dad and his family I was off visiting or having family events with.

At least the brother has enough sense not to marry someone with a child when he has his own children to consider with things like inheritance. He is obviously not completely ignorant to the potential issues and is very sensible to avoid marrying or buying a property with someone new, because his own children should come first.

Maybe he’d prefer to stay married to his ex so that through her, his children would benefit from life insurance if anything were to happen for him. Good for him. He’s being an arse about the wedding, and isn’t doing the best by his daughters if they are feeling upset about their new step family being at all their family dinners and occasions, but he’s not all bad.

I am also a step child. I was 3 years old when my dad re married and 5 when my mum did. I have a step mother and a step father. I had step grandparents on both sides, that I helped care for when they were elderly. Step siblings on both sides, and step nieces and nephews I’ve know since the day they were born. Even my step siblings have step
children. I have a closer sibling relationship to my eldest step brother than my full brother, even with a 20 year age gap. I’ve been in these families for almost 40 years and have always been treated as and invited to all family events. Just like all the other step children within the family. They ARE my family. Just because I’m not related to any of them doesn’t mean we mean nothing to each other. Diminishing step siblings as nobody’s is really ignorant. It may not be normal in your family, but it is in mine and many many others.
There are so many posters on here tripping over themselves to say how weird it is when in fact it’s completely normal to welcome children into families when people re marry.

It’s also entirely normal not to consider or treat them like your actual child/nibling/sibling. You’re obviously free to consider your own family however you want to, but other people are equally free to choose what works for them. No one has to consider step relationships, or any relationship tbh, to be valuable because you do.

The issue is the insistence that there’s only one way to consider a blended family, and this must be applied universally. There isn’t, it doesn’t.

Who said I wanted him to back away from his daughters? Is your comprehension always so woeful? I clearly meant from his sister who is seeking to have further drama than invited an INNOCENT CHILD.

Also, it’s weird you’re so happy to have the step daughter upset at being excluded but not the nieces upset at her being included. An alternative that’ll never leave them excluded - only the stepdaughter. Awful.

To repeat what you said to me, ‘what sort of person are you?’

You’ve more issues than Vogue.

Meh 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lol, he’s the one that asked for something he knew full well would cause problems for his sister on her own wedding day. The wellbeing of his partner and her child is not something OP is required to prioritize over and above that of her nieces. If he wants to back away from his sister as a result no one is stopping him. Not sure why he’d risk losing more family relationships when he’s already at risk of losing the one he has with his daughters, but that’s up to him. I doubt he will though tbh.

“An alternative that’ll never leave them excluded - only the stepdaughter. Awful.“

No shit. Why would they be the ones excluded by their own family?

and I’m just as fashionable.

“Why did you want to be included in events for non-family or did you genuinely think they were your family?”

You may not have intended to, but you sound really nasty here.