Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

If I’ve read this correctly.

Your brother has two daughters and one step daughter. His daughters are due to be bridesmaids. One of his daughters will not attend if the step child is there as she sees this child as pushing in on her family.

I’d invite my niece’s and not his step. They will always be your nieces the step child could be just a child from another failed relationship by him in a year. Your niece is clearly feeling this other child is pushing her out and stealing her daddy basically. Your brother needs to spend more time with his own children without step child and reassure her but his clearly doing a bad job.

Your ex also needs to step up and protect his actual child from his step child.

It drives me mad when an OP gives half a story, despite repeated requests for ages of nieces simply doesn’t reply.
In 90 mins could the OP not provide an update -it’s a waste of everyone’s time reading the OP, reading the replies etc…….

So this is what I get:

op is getting married. She wants to invite her brother, his ex and their two DD’s (bridesmaids)

she also doesn’t want to leave out his new partner and her 9 year old.

shits hit the fan and neices- one of them at least, have said they won’t attend if their stepsister does, as she’s not family.

o/p’s own dd has already had grief off her own stepsister (grooms dd), presumably over the wedding.

children are either being brats, or are struggling with their parents remarrying, depending on your point of view.

I’d leave it as it is with all 3 girls invited. I wouldn’t be pandering to a stroppy child over this.

What a load of confusing drama.
All good OP, don’t invite any niece or step-niece or your brothers ex-wife. What nonsense!
Say sorry, “too bad for you but it is my wedding and I don’t want these issues coming up”.

No mention here of the groom and why on earth he would want this brought to his wedding and his family event.

But yes OP we need more of a backstory. Is current partner the ap? How long has your brother been with partner? Are there known issues between all the children? I’m guessing yes from the few details you’ve given. We need more information before deciding if your bio nieces are being bratty or justified in not wanting her there.

Leave the drama llamas to it! You invite who YOU want to invite. If they can't behave, they stay away.

Then that's what should happen. Could you talk to your niece directly to find out how she really feels abd if there's a compromise?

I'm confused about the timing.

Did your already know what his DD had said when he asked if his partner's daughter could attend?

Why are there so many assumptions being made that the step daughter is a bully or muscling in?

I think the niece sounds a bit of a shit stirrer with the “what will you be doing when we’re at the wedding” comment tbh.

How come the nieces don’t even know they’re BM yet?

Send out the invitations and tell them all no one dictates who you invite or exclude…….your wedding, your rules! Then let them sort themselves out! It’s your day, not theirs!

Because Op has invited her even though she’s given her own daughter shit, she hasn’t really made it out like that was a concern but now her niece has said something she’s questioning what to do

I must admit I had to read about 3 times to understand what was happening 😂

That’s a different child.

I think.

It’s possibly the daughter of the OP’s ex’s new girlfriend.

What hasyour own DD's troubles, with her stepsister, got ito do with this OP? Surely that's not relevant?
Your niece sounds like a bitchy trouble maker.
Invite whoever you want.

Exactly this. I am also wondering what your brother said to his daughter ( your niece) when she raised the issue of his SD being there. Surely it’s up to him to parent/ regulate his own daughter?

When I met my now husband his sister was weird with me from the get go and when she got married she didn’t invite my 11 year old son.
Fine by me, at least she was honest about her feelings so my husband went on his own. All she did though was make her own life miserable, my husband sees her separately but she’s missed out on family Christmas/Easters/birthdays because I host and because she didn’t include my son in her celebration she won’t ever be apart of his life.
I think it came as a shock to her that my husband cares more about the feelings of his wife and stepson over his sister. What she really didn’t consider though is that I’d become good friends with my husband’s ex wife and the end result is that her bio niece (my husband’s daughter) also thinks she’s an unkind miserable woman. Oh well, her loss.. All of this because she couldn’t include a little boy.

You've already told your brother you'd invite her. Going back on that now would be really inconsistent and flaky, and would probably with some justification cause a great deal of bad feeling.

Are your nieces used to having their every whim pandered to in this way? What they need is their bluff called and firmly telling that you're sorry they feel they now don't want to attend but you understand. Set a firm deadline - by that meaning final and set in stone - that they will need to let you know by X date, after which you'll hand over bridesmaid duties to someone more willing.

Your nieces do not get to control your guest list and should be put firmly in their place. Your brother shouldn't have asked, for that matter, but he did and you responded in the affirmative. Having done so, the decent thing to do now would be to stick to it.

I thought the daughter of OPs brothers partner is the one that the niece doesn’t want there and OPs own daughter has experienced shit from the brothers partner daughter?

My brother has two daughters, 10 and 14 from his marriage. This marriage broke down as my sister-in-law didn’t wish to carry on living where they lived

He has lived with a partner with a 9 year old who does not see her own father for about 14 months.

My nieces are not brats, I have only seen them with the partner’s little girl on Boxing Day. My decision would be extremely easy if they were brats.

I am particularly sensitive to this issue because of my daughter’s experience with HER OWN father’s stepchild.

I don’t know why I am posting.

I will see how things pan out over Christmas but I will speak to my brother beforehand. I won’t sacrifice my nieces’ happiness on what should be a happy day.

It’s not her stepdaughter, it’s her brother’s stepdaughter ie the stepsister of the nieces.

Impossible to say who should get priority without knowing ages, how long the brother has been with the stepdaughter’s mother etc.

I dunno.....I am someone who will never give in to blackmail. I would give "if she is coming we won't" very short shrift indeed. Given their age and situation, I might give it gentle and understanding short shrift but I would NOT stand for it....also the "what will you be doing while WE are all at the wedding" was quite an unpleasant thing to say. Brats or not, I'd like to remind you that you have already agreed that the step should come and this is YOUR day not theirs.

You can not let a 10 and 14 year old dictate who is at your wedding. Don't leave a 9 year old out. It's cruel.

totally this.

My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding. She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

Well, that really isn't nice behaviour from your nieces.