Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

Pretty sure this is a different child, unless the OP was married to her brother.

Yes fair point. I was thinking more of her looking at the nine year old and asking what she’ll be doing while everyone else is at the wedding - that doesn’t feel like a decent thing to say to someone. But it does depend a lot on how old everyone is.

I don’t think it’s the partners daughter who’s been giving a “shedload of shit” to the nieces - I thought that was a stepsister of the OP’s child?

It really all depends on what the current setup is. Do they all live together? Do they only see the partners daughter once every month? Are the nieces 5 year olds, 9 year olds, 16 year olds? What does the brother say about the relationship?

It really is confusing! I read it as the OP’s brother has two biological daughters and one step daughter. One of the biological daughters wine go to the wedding if her step sister is there. And the step child has been shitty in the past to the OPs dd, who would be the niece bridesmaid’s cousin?

Can you clarify OP?

Not your circus imo.

You invite your DB and his family, including his SD of course, and ask your nieces to be bridesmaids as planned. Beyond that, it's your brother's problem to deal with.

It's your wedding, OP, and your role to issue the invitations. Invite all the girls and let them and their parents sort out who actually comes.

I can't understand this, can you clarify?

Your brothers previous girlfriend and current girlfriends various unrelated kids are attending your wedding, and something about your boyfriends kid saying something to your daughter?

Eloping sounds like a good option. Opt out of the dramas.

You need to clarify OP.

Has your own DD said she wouldn’t want to be at a wedding that her Dad’s DSD was attending?

I think OP is just comparing her own daughter's experience with her niece's feelings

I think a lot depends on how much of a partner his new partner is. If he’s taking on some sort of a parental role with the girl she needs to be invited where her family is invited. If your brother wants the nine year old to come to the wedding he needs to put some work in on the relationship between his daughters and the daughter of his partner. That’s not your responsibility.

I completely agree that your priority is your nieces who you have an actual relationship with.

Or that they met Monday instead of Sunday 🤣 Alll very confusing and unclear!

So, your brother has asked you? Direct your ultimatum throwing niece to her father.

I don’t think this is the same child … isn’t the post about her brothers step child?!? It’s all very confusing!

It's unclear if the brother has any kids, OP refers to his previous girlfriends kids as 'her daughters'. Edited to add- just saw it says the brother was having lunch with one of his daughters, so I'm even more confused now.
Sounds messy.

How do you know any if this? Does your brother now not want you to invite step neice?

I would have said no invite if my own dd has had a shedload of shit from step neice. But it cant have been that bad as you agreed (and you should agree as it may cause brother and partner to be hurt).

Neice told her own dad other dd wont come, maybe that is true maybe it isnt that is for that family unit to sort. If your brother asks you not to invite step neice then dont, otherwise stick to the plan.

If neice refuses to attend (and I think that is unlikely) then talk to brother at that point "i want neice there, what can we do" seperate table with their own mum or other bridal party. Stay with gran or whatever. You can sort it out then.

I think we need a diagram of the family tree and some (made up) names. I honestly don't have a clue who's who

Its a bit confusing who is who. Ive read the post twice but cant unravel it.
All I can add is that I would not be dictated to about who I invite to my wedding. If some people are not happy they are not obligated to attend

Oh yeah I think you’re right.

It doesn’t take a huge amount to confuse me tbh, so I had no hope really!

I invite who I want. It's up to them whether they accept it, and do not bow to "it's her or me" demands on principle (unless there's previously unknown circumstances of severe abuse or something).

I started writing an explanation of OP's post but now I'm not sure either.

I think one of OPs nieces doesn't want her stepsister invited. I think.

If that's right, it's DBs issue to solve. Nothing to do with you OP.

Unless there's an extreme backstory (and it would need to be far beyond general 9 year old antics... like she killed their pet rabbit or broke one of their legs), there is zero chance that I'd exclude a child on the say so of another child.

It's not a 9 year olds fault that her mum got with your brother. Blending families was an adult decision.

Your own nieces are bullies and I would not be enabling this......prioritise your stepdaughter. If the nieces don't want to go then that's on them.

This is really difficult to follow in all honesty!!

So is the issue Niece, daughter or ex SIL cos I’m not following.

I’ve read this thrice and I’m following it less each time. Can you explain it in a different way please, OP? Maybe give pseudonyms if easier?

What I’m getting from this is…..
your brother has 2 bio daughters and a step daughter. Bio daughters don’t want step daughter there and you’ve also had issues with step daughter and your own daughter.

Basically you’re laying the foundations to uninvite the stepdaughter and want us to validate?

@BeleagueredBride I think you need to come back and answer some of the questions.

Your OP is really confusing as to who is who, then lots of people have asked about ages, and circumstances.

Plus of course, difficult to vote when you 've not really said what you are asking if YABU or not about.