Niece and my wedding

[BeleagueredBride]

On Sunday evening my brother asked to meet me but I couldn’t but I met him on Monday.

He asked me if I was going to invite his partner’s 9 nearly 10 year old to my wedding.

I said that I hadn’t really thought about it but she could come if they didn’t have childcare. He seemed really relieved.

I had told him ‘asked his permission’ a few weeks ago that I would like to ask his ex as well as I always got on with her and wanted her to see her daughters in their bridesmaids dresses. He was fine with it. I haven’t told ex-sil that she is invited yet nor mentioned bridesmaids to my nieces.

Apparently on Sunday he and his partner were having lunch with one of his daughters and they were talking about my wedding. My youngest niece looked at partner’s daughter and asked what she would be doing that weekend while everyone else was at the wedding.

She then told her dad in the car on her own, that her sister who was not present would not be attending if his stepdaughter would be there trying to be their family.

My own daughter had a shedload of shit from her Dad’s stepdaughter.

I don’t want to upset my nieces and want them to have a good time at my wedding.

Who told you about the dinner conversation?

On the face of it, you have "heard" that your 10 year old niece has told her dad that her sister won't attend your wedding if her 9 year old stepsister is invited.

You have no other context than this - the 9 year old lives with your brother full time and has done for a year. You haven't witnessed or been told of any dynamic where the 9 year old is being unpleasant to your nieces. And it is being relayed as coming from a 14 year old via a 10 year old via someone else.

Have a conversation with your brother, potentially with your ex-SIL as well. Inviting your brother's stepchild would be the kind and inclusive thing to do and find out what's going on with the dynamic between the girls. Your nieces will be bridesmaids and have their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc all there. They will be fine and enjoy the attention and being a central part of the celebration. They don't need to exclude another little girl to enjoy the day.

WTF!

And what did you say to that?

I'd have said, "Woah, hold on a second, why are you asking me to invite this child to my wedding when you know it will cause issues with your daughters? Why would you deliberately bring your family conflict into my wedding like that? I want it to be a happy, drama-free day, and now you're telling me that having this girl there - the girl you literally just asked me to invite - is going to cause trouble!"

I'd be saying to your brother that all the girls are invited. And to your ex SIL that all the girls are invited. And that you can't wait for them all to be there to support YOU on the lovely occasion of YOUR wedding day, and leave it at that.

It's up to the parents of the girls, primarily your brother, to then manage his own family situation. You can (and should) do no more.

Before anyone else calls (implies that) a 14yr old is a bitch can we remember that the OP's nieces are also children of a failed relationship and are having to watch their dad live with another child full time while they don't (presumably). How much time do they get 1-1/2-1 with their father? Do they get any time alone with him or is his partner's child always there? I'm not saying don't invite partner's child but don't just dismiss them as jealous /brats.

Their father needs to talk with them and listen to what they have to say and not just dismiss it. This isn't really your problem to solve OP. It's your brother's if he wants all three children at the wedding and not to damage his relationship with his dds.

Poor kid

Jesus some of you are out of touch horrible old ghouls.
The nieces are ten and fourteen and their dad has moved in with and started playing happy families with a new child who has no other father figure. They’re allowed to be upset. In fact, im not surprised this is how they’re behaving when the precedent is already set that “family dinners” are happening without the fourteen year old around and shes having to pass messages to her dad through her little sister.

Your brother has to grow a spine and talk to HIS children about the choices he’s made in life and stop expecting this to be an issue that falls on your plate just because your wedding is the first family event that’s come up since he and his ex wife exploded the lives of two little people.

OP you are massively projecting your daughters step sister problems onto the situation with your nieces and their step sister.

it very much sounds like your eldest niece is bullying a 9 year old. Most likely she’s feeling jealous and insecure now that her dad lives with another little girl but to blackmail and threaten not to go to the wedding because a year 5 little girl is also invited is horrible.

tgis is an issue for your brother to resolve and not for you to get involved in, other than to say that your brother, his partner and tbd 3 girls are invited plus ex sis in law and you’d like your 2 nieces to be bridesmaid. Simple as that, your nieces will feel extra special on today and your brothers partner plus step daughter are included in the wider family. Ax presumably you’d like them to be?!

if you back track on the invite now you are sending them completely the wrong message and treating a child very poorly. And that child is the step sister not your eldest niece.

Given how your brother presented this as can she come then the conversation yiu can start to see perhaps how this came about

he needs to sort this out it is his responsibility

MissScarletInTheBallroom

Well yes I should have done. Now you have written it in black and white that is exactly what I should have said.

I will be telling him that it’s his to sort out but my nieces will have priority over the other child as innocent as she is.

Maybe the fact that you want your neices to be bridesmaids will help them to realise how important they are to you. Your brother needs to also prioritise his daughters. He lives with his new partner's daughter and his DDs sometimes want him to themselves.

Surely it won't 'destroy' anyone if the 9-year-old is invited, especially when you've already given your nieces the honour of taking part in the wedding, whereas their step-sister will only be a guest (and obviously not a particularly welcomed one, either).

I can understand why your nieces don't want this other girl there. I can even sympathise with their wish to have family events without her, but that doesn't make it right to exclude her after she's already been extended an invitation.

If you do this, you are not letting him sort it out because you have made clear what you will and will not allow.

Your brother has behaved appallingly.
He has moved on and now living with his stepdaughter, obviously his children wil struggle.
He asked you knowing his children would be upset, he was putting his partner and child before his own children.
I feel sorry for the 9 year old, but my nieces happiness would be coming first.

I thought I was good at comprehension. Until, I read this.

Yes, the comments about brats from presumably adult women are repulsive.

I don't really understand the relationships from your post but I'd take a simple position of inviting who you want and telling them to sort out the politics.

Good for you for prioritising your nieces OP. This is your wedding, and it is them and your own child that you have the relationship with. Your nieces will look back and appreciate that you are one of the few adults around them who appreciate how hurtful and damaging it can be when you’re forced into a step family and it feels like your parent has moved on with a new family.

Yes it will be sad for the step niece if she’s not genuinely welcome at the wedding because none of this is her fault, but it’s not the other girls fault either. People who create step family tensions don’t get to complain when there are consequences.

Niece’s sound like nasty, spiteful little brats! Pair of bullies.

What a load of tosh.

But of course it is up to all the women and girls in his life to deal with this. Including the OP, regardless of its being her special day. At least he is consistent about not giving a toss about the feelings of any of them.

Your neices are childish brats. His step daughter is part of the family. If her mum is invited she should be as well

Can you accept that taking this approach might mean you lose the good relationship between you and your brother?
This is his family now and just because you might not see it that way he does, to back out on your promise to his 9 year old step daughter will be extremely hurtful to the child and her mum.
Also look at the bigger picture, if they get married or have more children together than this woman probably won’t want you as part of their new blended family.

You’re talking about two children whose family has been split up recently. If anyone sounds nasty and spiteful its you and all the other rotten old sows who’ve taken time out from pasture to call two CHILDREN bitches and brats.

@BeleagueredBride I wonder whether you could take your nieces out somewhere for the day, do something nice together, ask them to be your bridesmaids, and then try to see if they will discuss their blended family situation and how it's making them feel. See if you can get a sense of what's really going on here.

If they're just exasperated by her having to be included in everything, you can say something like, "Look, I get that you've been through a lot with your parents splitting up, and it can't be easy seeing another girl living with your dad all the time. But she is your dad's partner's daughter, and excluding her from the wedding seems like a mean thing to do. You'll be my bridesmaids, you can sit with your cousin, I can put you on a table far away from the three of them, honestly you'll have so much fun you'll barely even notice she's there."

If it's clear to you that it's actually a huge problem and they're really distressed about the possibility of her being there, I'd go back to your brother and say, "I think you've tried to go too hard and too fast with this blended family thing and your daughters are suffering the consequences. They didn't choose any of this, and it's clear to me that having your partner's daughter at the wedding is going to make them feel really unhappy and spoil the day for them. I am actually really unimpressed that you already knew this when you asked me to invite her. I don't want to exclude her, but I also don't want any drama and I don't want my nieces to be unhappy at my wedding. You and your partner need to slow things down a bit and really work on getting your daughters to accept each other, which isn't going to happen overnight. In the meantime, it's probably best that she doesn't attend the wedding after all."

But surely if their step mother is there then so should their step sister??? Where’s she meant to go at 9 years old??
Your nieces asked to her face where she was going to be while that were at the wedding, they did that on purpose to be nasty. I would be ashamed of them, especially the older one … and you are pandering to it 🤣