Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

There are clear efforts ongoing to find ways to stop women travelling elsewhere for an abortion too:

https://thehill.com/opinion/judiciary/4659427-texass-handmaids-tale-gives-everyone-but-women-reproductive-control/

It seems like a prudent thing to have long term contraception sorted before you go if you can get pregnant.

Doesn’t seem worth falling out over. He needs to get a grip re “being left on his own”. Neither of you are U about wanting to go or not however.

I get why the sticking rigidly to principles has frustrated you. It can make you feel like you & your family relationships are not valued because a principle is being given so much weight. You were unreasonable to lose it though and you should probably apologise for that (though absolutely not apologise for disagreeing with him)

If your daughter does go and you want to visit her then you should. If he is adamant he won’t go to the US then you can now afford more frequent solo visits and that might be nice 1:1 time with your daughter. He’s choosing not to participate vs you leaving him alone so you are doing nothing wrong planning to visit your daughter.

Thank goodness someone has some sense on here. There are many countries that I don't like the leadership of but it wouldn't stop me from visiting.

Surely if she's a British citizen they couldn't stop her leaving the country? But who knows with the US.

And what about the next president? If there was an election tomorrow, JD Vance would skip into the White House. A lot can happen in three years, but as it stands Vance is the most likely next president. And Vance is more forceful than Trump. That takes you to 2032, or 36 if he's a two termer, which he probably is.

12 years of not visiting your family. And for what? By then the culture will most likely have flipped so much, most people will be pretending they were never so unfashionably reactionary. People with their heads in the sand all think Trump will be gone in a few years and everything will be magically wonderful. But it's not just Trump. Conservative nationalism is on the rise with the youth. There is a team of people behind him ready to step in after him and a majority of voters who want that. Along with a bigger majority of under eighteens who want it more.

Ah, he's got Trump Derangement Syndrome! He's not the only one. Ignore him and go. The USA is a fabulous country for a visit, and your DD will benefit enormously from being exposed to a new country. Go and have a good time. Your DH will probably end up feeling foolish for missing out. What part of the States?

Lots of countries have crazy politicians / leaders, but lovely people. This is a great opportunity for her, and for you. I respect your DH having strong values, but that shouldn't hinder you. I would never go to Japan for instance, but I also would never stop a family member going. Having your own values is one thing - forcing others to live by those same values is behaving like a dictator. Go and enjoy it! DH will cope alone.

@alittleprivacy There are plenty of other places we can meet. If America slides further into a dictatorship under Vance (which I doubt, he doesn't have the neck of Trump) the question will become "going to America? are you crazy?"

I haven't talked about this on here, because I don't like to be too outing, but I have lived in the US for 18 years, although I'm firmly British as I didn't move there until I was well into my thirties. I've also spent many times back in Britain, including months on end during my late parents' illnesses. I moved to the US with my husband because he has US citizenship, although he was raised in Britain. I've been home here in the UK for a while and am going back to the US soon. (I WFH.)

All this is to say, life goes on as normal in the US for most people, and as someone who lives there and enjoys all the many positive things it has to offer, I think not taking work/visit opportunities because of Trump is just ludicrous. Now, admittedly, I live in one of the most left-wing, Democrat parts imaginable and everyone I know hates Trump, like me. Maybe it would be difference if I lived in Texas or somewhere like that.

You have guaranteed hot and sunny weather, gorgeous snowy winters, the people are absolutely lovely, and the country's natural beauty is outstanding. There are lakes, rivers, mountains, white sand beaches, prairies, canyons, and, despite what people think, lots of culture to explore - artwise, history-wise, and food-wise. In addition, there are some incredible and historic cities, like DC, Boston, Philadelphia, New Orleans, San Fran...I cannot imagine missing out on all this because of which politician is in the White House.

I somewhat agree. China is one of mine. But then, on the other hand, not visiting doesn't help the local people, does it?

It depends on the country... If it's America because he doesn't like Trump, honestly, that's stupid. I also dislike Trump intensely, but have recently come home from an 8-night trip there, staying along the East coast. I had a lovely time.

Everyone has their personal grievances though. Personally, I'd never go to Thailand. A girl I knew from university was murdered by two men there while on holiday during the Christmas break. She was 21. I swore the day I heard what happened, that I'd never go there. It'll be 20 years this Christmas, and my stance hasn't changed.

I don't even understand the issue. He doesn't like the USA. He won't visit. You are fine to visit your DD in the USA. You would go for a few weeks or whatever, and he would be at home.

why is that an issue? He's being ridiculous. Might be different if you were insisting he has to come with you but you're not.

Once calmed down have a calm discussion.

Of course it is unreasonable not to care about politics etc.

But just say you are no supporter of Trump, neither is your Dd, you appreciate that he had strong feelings and that is fine, you do not expect him to go.

But on balance you do think it reasonable to visit your Dd and you are happy to respect each others different feelings about the visit.

What a bellend. Visit your dd, enjoy it.

The USA? What a wanker.

My elderly British-Australian father has Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). He used love reading books and doing diy etc. Now he spends his evenings mindlessly doom-scrolling on social media platforms about the Orange One and getting riled up about everything he does. He doesn’t live in the US. Never has and never will. My mother has banned him from mentioning Him and His policies. If he does she literally gets up and leaves the room (good for her). I might have a chat to Dad and no matter what the conversation is my father will always segway Him into the conversation.

Go to the US and enjoy visiting /supporting your DD.

I'm a US citizen and won't go there while he's in power. Ditto my elderly father.

He's got a point.

I would feel the same op. The US is more than just Trump .

Is he actively doing anything re his principles.? Dh goes on about stuff to me and I say - well if you feel that way do something about it.

To summarise, your daughter is going abroad and you want to visit her.

He has said he will be lonely if you go.

You aren't responsible for mitigating his loneliness by succeeding to his emotional blackmail.

There isn't much more to it than that so filter out the noise. The action is that you're going, how he feels as a reaction isn't your issue to mitigate.

There's no further conversation to be had on the matter so don't get sucked into a conversation, let alone a row about it.

Lonely... for how long!? 🤔 🤣 he wants you to only see your dd a few times a year because of his beliefs and to mitigate his loneliness but doesn't consider you and DD missing eachother?

He's either controlling or lonely. One is a dumping offence, the other is a repulsive and pathetic turn off.

He’s entitled to his opinion but countries are not defined by their governments, there’s so much more to it than that.

One of my dream trips would be Iran, do I approve of their government? Absolutely not.

I totally get your husband's point of view on this. I would not go to the USA right now and am boycotting their products. However, I do not expect other people to do this and do not judge them for not doing the same as me.
He is being an absolute massive fucking baby about you leaving him behind though and needs to grow up.

I am in the US right now (actually heading to the UK to visit my DD who is studying there for a year) and, frankly, I wouldn’t risk coming to the US for a visit right now. I am not even sure I will be able to get back in and I am a born and bred citizen of the US. Not only is the government picking and choosing enemies to deport but they may not fund customs and immigration at the port cities at all in the coming months rendering returning difficult simply because of lack of capacity.

I think people radically underestimate just how destructive a central government can be if it is uninterested or hostile to ordinary government functions.

Why would you not be let back in if you're a born American?