Dh and his principles

[Sparklesandspandexgallore]

I will start this by saying dh get on well. We generally share the same values and beliefs. We are very similar.
We both have adult dcs from previous relationships. Everyone gets on well, no issues whatsoever.
However, dh has become more and more vocal about the leaders of foreign countries. He strongly disagrees with certain politicians policies. I get that.
The issue is my dd has the opportunity to go and live and work in one of these countries. It is a fabulous opportunity which most people will never get. She wants to go and will be well rewarded by her employer for going.
She has looked at what this entails. She will be able to return if she doesn’t like it etc.
I have said I will go and visit her. I would not be able to afford to go otherwise.
Dh has said he will not go on principle.
He has then moaned that ‘I will be leaving him on his own.’
I am currently under an immense amount of stress and shouted at him that I don’t give a fuck about his bloody principles. I also said if he wants to sit in the house all day and refuse to go to this and that country then fine, but I am going.
I also said would he really not see his own dcs for years due to principles?
He said yes he absolutely would stick to his principles and not see his children rather than go to any country which he disagrees with.
I don’t think I am being unreasonable.
It ended with me shouting that I’m sick and tired of all this. That I don’t care about what politicians are doing. That I’m thinking of MY feelings for once and putting myself first.
He says well thank god someone cares about these countries.
I have said that my going will not have any impact on the leaders of these countries.
I care more about my dcs than anyone else.
Dh thinks I am selfish.
Let me also add that I have done lots of things for charities over the years, all at my own expense.
Thanks if you have got this far.
Anyone else been on this situation?

I don't understand the comments saying 'it depends on the country' - I don't think it does. I don't think there needs to be any shouting. His comments about being left alone were pathetic.

He should just understand it's fine to have different principles and you will be visiting the USA. He does not have to.

I would not visit the USA under the current regime but would not stop anybody else doing so.

Genuinely whst is his plan for after the next general election here as given the way things are going some of the immigration stories coming out of the US may well be replicated.

it is fine to have principles if they are consistently applied. does he avoid US tv/streaming services and goods?

it is fine to have concerns regarding safety and visiting the US

But not to stop or moralise about others who have assessed those safety concerns and come up with a different assessment to you and refuse to talk to them is worrying controlling territory

I had a DP [now ex] who was a bit like this. I didn't argue or fall out with him over it, but I went away by myself on a few trips and tbh got a real buzz from doing that.

The U.S.A is a powder keg at the moment, and the orange lunatic is basically trying to declare war on any Democrat voting states.

I agree totally with your DH's principles, the U.S. won't get a tourist visit from me whilst he is President, both for safety and moral reasons.

I feel sorry for states like California, NY State, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Oregon etc..they hate Trump and actively challenge every decision he makes.

If your daughter is going to any of those them I'm sure she will be surrounded by decent people, not MAGA idiots, but the safety concern is real as he sending the National Guard into those places.

I agree on not shouting at someone. But principles which cause harm to those around you should be looked at carefully. There are countries I probably wouldn't go to (UAE, Kenya (dangerous), Democratic Republic of Congo (vicious place and very dangerous), some countries in S. America, wary of the USA, but my DD goes there on work trips and a friend regularly visits and both say it's fine) and would advise against going to for DC. I suppose the politics of these places make them what they are but politics alone would not stop me - it's the element of danger, entirely. Principles are all very well but one should not make others suffer for your principles. OP's DH (who surely she loves as much as her DC?) should visit DD and swallow principles for the duration - can come back and complain all he likes about how dreadful the place was...

That is scary.

I think you"ll need to go on your own and accept he won't come. He shouldn't be trying to stop you from going.

Leave him alone. I have countries I won't go to - currently the USA is one. You are ridiculous to shout at him about it.

He is daft to say you'd be leaving him alone, but he's not wrong to stand by his principles.

Hope your daughter seizes the opportunity especially with work paying all visa admin. These sponsored work opportunities are hard to come by and could help fast track a career with the exposure and contacts she could gain. But that’s on your daughter to decide.

You have an equal right to exercise your own opinions much like his right to have his. I honestly would grey rock this and not give a reaction. When the time comes book that flight. You are not beholden to him.

In the 2024 election approx. 40% of Californians voted for Trump so the idea that the whole state "hates Trump" is somewhat misplaced.

Edit : wrong would be a better word than misplaced.

If my DC was in a different country - wherever it was - I'd go and see them! Is your DH just "moany" generally or does he really get on his high horse all the time and force his views on people? If the former I'd just try going with it and not falling out "Don't worry, I'll leave you some meals" etc. If the latter then I'd be reconsidering the relationship. One of my ex-friends, a guy I used to know well and work with, has joined Anon and got massively into what he sees as "truth" and what will happen in the future. Note I said ex-friend! Do you see DH doing down this route or just being a bit more pessimistic? That would determine how I'd handle it.

Luckily my DD rejected the idea of a semester abroad to the US. I would be very cautious sending a young woman there.

Reason - any idea what would happen if she fell pregnant? Obviously it very much depends on the state but It's often now impossible to get an abortion and healthcare when pregnant is difficult and you can get to jail for a miscarriage.

A holiday for 2 weeks or so, maybe, 1/2 year or a year - no way.

Make sure she is very much aware what's going on. Recently a politican was quoted that "legitimised rape (not sure what that is) can't cause a pregnancy as the female body is able to prevent it".

This as well. I hae been to the USA a million times before but I think the current regime is so unstable I would not feel safe - I would not even feel safe going through their border controls!

I'm sure he watches American TV and uses American products.

Your daughter can make up her own mind, ignore him

I’ve lived and worked in the states, still have friends there and now also have close family of my husband’s there. I do not want to, and will not, visit under the current regime. This year we met up with in-laws in a country in between for example.

I actually taught out there. You couldn’t pay me enough to now, and I’d not send my child to school there for anything.

I’d go anywhere for my child though - so if jt was DD who was there as an adult (she’s currently very little) and my only way to see her I’d go and just suck it up.

I have absolutely no objection to my husband going to visit his family, and would not complain about being left alone that’s just silly. He wouldn’t be taking DD though.

This thread feels disingenuous. We all know Mumsnet loves any opportunity to slag off America.

This. Nobody needs to be harping on or shouting or disagreeing at all really. We are all entitled to believe what we believe and feel how we feel. That goes, of course, for both your husband and for you. He can choose to refuse to go on principle and you can choose to live by your own set of principles and go.

Bit dramatic. She can come home and have one if need be.

OK, I also detest Donald Trump, as does my DH.

Trump is a fuckwit and an arsehole, not to mention a convicted felon and a misogynist. So we are not planning to visit the US in the near future.

However, if one of our children were living there then we would still go and visit.

You go if you want to. DH can stay at home if he wishes, or he can tag along if he wants to. If he decides to tag along then he has to promise not to spoil it by wittering on about principles all the time.

You're more likely to get caught in crossfire in the US though.

I have a similar situation - my husband wont go visit his brother who lives in US because of Trump. I am not that bothered about going as we have a toddler and am not really up for long haul travel.

I think also this is a bit premature if she hasn't even moved there yet. Waiting until she moves or not would be logical before getting this worked up.

Not if she’s already pregnant, she can’t. It’s not dramatic, it’s a very sensible precaution.

You need to educate yourself on women's position in the UAE.

He sounds like an obnoxious bully.
I can't stand Trump, really cannot stomach him, but it really wouldn't be any of my business if my husband went.
My son went with friends for a month this summer, and enjoyed it.
I was delighted when he got back safely.
I wouldn't take a free flight there for anyone.
Zero interest while Trump is in power, maybe ever.

The hysteria about visiting the USA on here is on another level. Most of the stories about being deported because of social media are very easily disprovable - it's usually a lot more complex than that. USA has always had a very strict visa and immigration policy. (A very respectable white middle class British woman I know was refused entry, held overnight and returned to Heathrow because of a very minor visa infraction during the Obama era).

Most states have legal abortion and the ones with strict laws are very unlikely to be the ones offering well paid jobs to overseas women.

I wonder if the US haters go to Hungary, Poland, Malta, Italy and many other EU countries that either ban abortion, have widespread racism or 'far right' governments?