Controversial approach to Santa

[Lynsey953]

My children are 2 and 3 and I have never spoken to them about Santa. I've never said anything about him and they've never asked. We don't pay for them to see Santa and I don't allow other people to make a big deal about Santa in front of them (i.e. this present is from Santa, I would rather people say "this is from me merry Christmas").

This is how I was brought up and I have lovely memories of Christmas.

My sister in law is very upset by this and is worried that my controversial approach to Santa is going to ruin the magic for her kids. She has requested that we go to my parents house for Christmas day so that my kids don't ruin Christmas for her kids (8 and 9).

I am fine with this but I hadn't realised my approach was so controversial.

Is it? It's just what myself and my siblings always had.

Very odd approach OP. FFS just let them be children. You know they’re just going to ruin the magic for the other chilren in their class, friends and young family members.

Why would it ruin it? A quick ''not everyone believes in Santa but we do'' will suffice.

Learning that different families do things differently is part of going to school. Not everyone is the same and that's ok.

I will say - I could have got away with this when my DD was 2/3…..wait until they are 4,5,6 and in school etc.

it will be unavoidable

The way we do it is that parents buy all of the gifts, they wrap them, and they send them to Santa for safekeeping. He then brings them back during the night on Christmas Eve. They're not contingent on being good or any of that bullshit. Lots of my friends do some variation of the same thing, for example my friend tells her DC that she sends Santa their Christmas list and some money, he buys what he can with the budget set. My DC know that they can't ask for flying ponies or golden shoes or whatever and need to keep it realistic, they also know that some children get more/less than others because some families have more/less money than others or place more/less importance on Christmas.

There's no fuss, no drama, and then when they find out Santa is just a story it changes nothing because they already knew the adults were buying the presents anyway.

I feel like children don't talk about Santa with each other nearly as much as we imagine! We've never put in a huge amount of effort to Santa but also went along with him being the one bringing something on Christmas day (usually the stocking rather than the main presents). I think your approach sounds fine.

Some people feel like someone approaching things differently is a judgement on their approach.You do you! Your children won't make a big deal of it if you don't so are very unlikely to spoil things for their cousins or friends.

I think there is a high chance that your child will tell other children at school even if you tell them not to.

It’s so much worse to do an over the top Christmas ‘from’ Santa/FC than just not believe in him. When they go back to school, what did the poor child do to deserve a simple stocking and a selection box, when their friends got an XBOX and whatever else? Weren’t they as good? Reminds me of that advert about the girl being as good as possible and still waking up in a tiny homeless bedsit. 😢 I think it was by Shelter. The approach lots of people take to Christmas is far more harmful than just telling the truth!! If you do Santa, I think it should just be a stocking full of surprises and one not overly expensive gift under the tree. Everything else from family.

I think people over think FC a bit too much. Loads of children don’t believe, or only half believe, in him even if they keep up the pretence with their parents. If children genuinely believed a strange man crept into their bedroom at night, they would be terrified.

I like your approach OP, kudos to you. My kids were (still are!) little cynics and would question everything, and I felt I was telling them ridiculous lies that in no way would stand up in a court of law! It was such a relief when the youngest one stopped believing when she was 6 and I didn’t have to lie anymore. I swore her to secrecy amongst her friends and she felt really grown up knowing something they didn’t. She still throws it back at us that we lied about Santa “You tell us not to tell lies!” little rat!!

You aren’t weird at all. What is weird is the Santa story when you think about it. What is weird is threatening your kids Santa won’t come. What is also weird is Santa giving extravagant gifts to some kids and not others. Wish I’d done what you’re doing.

It is beyond me how people get so uptight about Santa!!!! I remember when my DC were at school there was nearly a fist fight in the playground between the "I don't lie to my DC" parents and the "Santa is an essential part of a magical Xmas" parents!!!!

Given most people aren't religious and most people don't even get the actual origins of Santa, I cannot understand why anyone would think Christmas is more or less magical with or without Santa.

My DC were scared of the dressed up man with a white beard and red suit and positively horrified by the idea of a man coming down into the house via the chimney, so Santa was very low key in our household, which suited me just fine. I told them the story of the actual Saint Nicholas because I thought it was a nice story and just said that his good deeds lived on today in Santa Claus. I neither lied nor blew the whole thing out of the water by saying it was all make believe. I also asked them to respect that other children might like the idea that a magical man delivered gifts and came down their chimney and they shouldn't spoil that for them.

I think people just need to stay proportionate!

Im wondering if he SIL is defensive and controlling about other stuff or if this is the first indication. (Also if the OP is a bit more "outspoken" than shes letting on...;) )

Many a Christmas has been spoiled by the gatekeepers of Christmas magic,IME.

Your SIL is being ridiculous and kind of mean. She doesn't have to invite your family to HER house on Christmas, but she can't demand you go to your parents (absolutely none of her business) or disinvite you from a family Christmas lunch, say at your PILs' house. I'd ignore her, or have your partner deal with her. Leaving aside Jehovah's Witnesses for the moment - her 8yo and 9yo don't know any Jewish or Muslim children? Obviously there are going to be children, and whole families, that don't "do" Santa Claus/Father Christmas. And by the time your two might be old enough to say accidentally anything controversial or upsetting, hers will be too old for it anyway.

That said, if PILs are going to have stockings/gifts at their house "from Santa" for the older children, it might make sense to plan so that that exchange has been done before your family arrives - which should be very possible if you're going for lunch! Even if one of the older cousins mentions that a toy they're playing with is from Santa, the little children needn't be any more confused by that than they would be if the cousins had presents from, say, their other set of grandparents.

Oh and for the PP questioning why we say "Santa". It was NEVER Father Christmas in my house (Scottish parents). Father Christmas is a very specifically English tradition. My understanding is Santa Claus came from other European languages rendering of Saint Nicholas. Traditionally Scotland didn't celebrate Christmas as much as new year (in the early 20th century at least).

I was brought up in the same way as you Op. I was aware of all the Santa stuff and have always absolutely loved Christmas. We have 4 Christmas trees in this house. We had pillow cases full of presents and more delicate/ special presents under the tree. I knew they were from my family not Father Christmas.It made no difference. Father Christmas was in all the books and on the tv and that was fine. We didn't have the Easter bunny bringing eggs either ( we absolutely still had multiple eggs but they were from people). I was perfectly aware from friends and school that other people thought there was an actual Easter bunny. We didn't have the tooth fairy. Other people did. My own children did egg hunts and had a £1.00 under the pillow for a lost tooth butbI didnt oush a bunny and a fairy bringing them. . My oldest grandchild is nearly 4. He is very excited about Christmas. His parents haven't made a big thing of Father Christmas as a thing but do all the other Christmas stuff. My parents were absolute atheists too. Other people believed in God. We absolutely didn't. Father Christmas, Easter bunny, tooth fairy, God....all made up. I never, ever had a problem bwith thst. Neither did my children. They had stockings.....from me.

I think it's a bit sad if Santa is really the most wonderous and magical element of Christmas. I love Christmas so much and I can't remember ever believing in Santa, maybe when I was really young? My parents "did" Santa, in fact, they went to a lot of effort with talcum powder boot prints and the lot and my Dad even dressed as Santa to fill the stockings in case he was spotted and ruined the game but I never really thought it was real, it was fun, so I went along with it.

I remember being about 7 (because we moved house when I was 8 so it must have been the Christmas before that) feeling a sudden fear because I thought how horrible it was to think a strange man was coming into my room and then remembering it was just my Dad and feeling better, so the idea of Santa being real wasn't magical to me.

PPs have mentioned Disneyland- I've never been but I hear people of all ages love the fun of it even though they know the characters are just dressed up. It's just a fun game.

To me, being with family is more important than whether or not you or your family believe in Father Christmas.

If this is truly your SIL's reason for not wanting to spend time together on Christmas Day it's a great shame for the children who would have so much fun together.

I understand your perspective op and I don't make a big deal of santa either, however I think it's naive to think this won't throw up natural conflicts. For example how do you respond to your child in front of another child when your child asks why santa brought presents to that child but not to them? I can totally see your sils perspective. There's nothing wrong with your approach but I can see why it will become difficult for holidaying together.

Eh? Stockings don't actually come from Santa...

"Everyone enjoys Christmas in their own way and that includes whether or not Santa visits them"

Absolute nonsense that they have to be told a lie to not "ruin" Christmas for other children.

Do you instruct your children to not spoil Christmas for other children if they bring up the many, many other figures that aren't Santa that kids around the world believe in? The kids in my child's class are from all over, they believe in many different things at Christmas. It's fine, they figure it out amongst themselves. If a child wants to believe in Santa then they will.

We don't do stockings at all.

I know a few families who don't do the santa thing. It is a minority but several enough that I wouldn't call it controversial. You do you.

My mil did this too, I put a stop to it, the children knew gifts in the house were from mummy and daddy and Santa just delivered the gifts, this explained why some children got more or less gifts than others. Gifts in our home on Christmas morning were from mummy and daddy and gifts from other people eg gran, auntie etc were from them.

in our house Santa is just like the evri delivery guy or the postman. He just makes sure he has the correct gifts to deliver which mummy and daddy paid for.

You hadn’t realised it was controversial? You don’t “allow” other people to make a big deal about Santa. You sound a bundle of laughs.

You do realise the rest of us who had Santa throughout our childhoods are perfectly normal and unscathed from the delight?

They do in our house.

and this is why it's so silly to get so uptight and worked up about children 'spoiling' it when so many families who do it, do it so differently anyway and don't seem to get upset when one family has stockings from Santa, one family doesn't do stockings at all and the next family has absolutely everything from Santa whilst the other does a token gift from Santa and nothing else.

It's a wonder children believe at all if they chat about it with their friends as much as it is assumed on here.