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AIBU?

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Original poster

Controversial approach to Santa

507 replies

Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 06:50

My children are 2 and 3 and I have never spoken to them about Santa. I've never said anything about him and they've never asked. We don't pay for them to see Santa and I don't allow other people to make a big deal about Santa in front of them (i.e. this present is from Santa, I would rather people say "this is from me merry Christmas").

This is how I was brought up and I have lovely memories of Christmas.

My sister in law is very upset by this and is worried that my controversial approach to Santa is going to ruin the magic for her kids. She has requested that we go to my parents house for Christmas day so that my kids don't ruin Christmas for her kids (8 and 9).

I am fine with this but I hadn't realised my approach was so controversial.

Is it? It's just what myself and my siblings always had.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 15/10/2025 07:12

Your SIL is being completely unreasonable if what she’s doing is uninviting you from her parents’ house (is that what she’s doing?). She can’t do that, only her parents can.

Shes also worrying over nothing, I have a 3 year old who has no concept of Santa but she wouldn’t be capable of ruining it for an older child because she’s not going to say “mine didn’t come from Santa”. She wouldn’t really talk about who something came from. So it’s a non-issue this year, and next year surely your SIL’s kids will realise Santa isn’t real anyway? They’re quite old.

Underthinker · 15/10/2025 07:13

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:07

What do you base that on? Santa isn’t a Christian thing…

Show quote history

Is it not?

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 15/10/2025 07:14

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:11

How can you just ignore their questions? That’s not healthy regardless of what they ask about.

Show quote history

Not ignore but more responding with open ended questions that offer them the opportunity to think for themselves. A bit like what I plan to do when they eventually ask me about God 🙂.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 15/10/2025 07:14

People get very worried about these sort of things ruining the magic. If you wanted to celebrate with them, at 2 & 3 I would probably just change when you give them the stocking to fit with the cousin's traditions, but you might be happy elsewhere. People will always do things a bit differently e.g. all presents from Santa, big sacks from Santa, small stocking from Santa, no Santa.

When DD was about 4 she asked about Santa. DH told her it was a lovely story. She promptly forgot this and still believes in Santa at 9. She also believes in the tooth fairy and the elf, which were traditions I didn't want to encourage, but other kids talked about them so we ended up joining in.

ViaRia01 · 15/10/2025 07:14

@Sirzy yeh, that’s not really OP’s responsibility though. We have Santa in this house but if another family doesn’t believe and say something to make my child question things, then it’s up to me as their parent to handle that. Either by coming clean or by giving a slightly noncommittal explanation and quickly moving the conversation on.

OP has every right to celebrate or not celebrate Christmas as she wishes.

The reality is that some children receive a colouring book from “Santa” and others receive a PlayStation, some receive the gifts under the tree and some in the stocking, some have a chimney and some don’t. There are so many variations of the Santa experience but that can just add to the mystery and magic of Christmas.

Runssometimes · 15/10/2025 07:14

And at reception at school he did say that Santa came to his class but that it was just Mr Noakes dressed up in a red suit cause he sounded the same. I think that’s why we told him to truth. He wasn’t fooled for a second and we didn’t want to play along that there was somehow a real guy and just loads of impersonators which just seems doubly weird. For us it wasn’t a whole big thing.

PurpleChrayn · 15/10/2025 07:15

Children don’t wither up and expire through not having Father Christmas. It’s fine.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 15/10/2025 07:16

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 15/10/2025 07:12

When did Father Christmas start being called Santa?

We never made a big deal of FC either. Not to the point of not having him visit but it was very low key, daughter knew by 3 (old soul) son maybe made it to 5. If they asked I answered truthfully in the spirt they asked.

Christmas was still special, we still did stockings (still do as adults).

Not my job to get my kids to lie to maintain a fantasy of other kid’s parents!

I feel I should add, I did tell them it was a game lots of parents played with their children and they shouldn’t spoil the game. But as they were young I don’t know how much they would’ve have stuck to that.

Imissgoldengrahams · 15/10/2025 07:16

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 15/10/2025 07:12

When did Father Christmas start being called Santa?

We never made a big deal of FC either. Not to the point of not having him visit but it was very low key, daughter knew by 3 (old soul) son maybe made it to 5. If they asked I answered truthfully in the spirt they asked.

Christmas was still special, we still did stockings (still do as adults).

Not my job to get my kids to lie to maintain a fantasy of other kid’s parents!

I'm in my 30s and he has always been Santa to me

Bumble2016 · 15/10/2025 07:16

We are planning to do something similar with our children. Hopefully along the lines of saying we don't know if Father Christmas is real or not, but that we (the adults) believe he is!

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2025 07:17

TheBlueHotel · 15/10/2025 06:56

So your kids won't have stockings? That's fine for your family but you must know it's unusual and I'm not surprised people wouldn't want to spend Christmas morning with you if they have children who will be getting them.

My kids always had stockings. We don’t perpetuate the myth of Santa. That’s life!

DryIce · 15/10/2025 07:17

I am very lukewarm on Santa. I do stockings, and don't go out of my way to announce to small children that he isn't real. My own children's questions I meet with a "what do you think" or "doesnt that sounds exciting" kind of thing.

I am possibly too literally minded, but I can't get over feeling like I am lying to them if I state, factually, this man comes here while you're sleeping and leaves gifts. And I am quite hot on them telling the truth!

Calamitousness · 15/10/2025 07:17

Your children, your rules. I also don’t think it’s ok to ask you not to attend a family event. I do agree with her that you need to find a way to respect her wishes of the magic around Santa for her family though and that would include your children being able to understand that Santa is real for their family but not theirs. That will be the same for almost every other family of friends at nursery/school etc and they’ll be faced with that scenario throughout their primary school life so it’s probably something you need to get used to for them because they will be exposed to Santa whether through you or not and I imagine will feel excluded unless you actively explain why he doesn’t visit them. Would you not even let a small thing be from Santa? It might be easier.

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2025 07:18

PegDope · 15/10/2025 06:59

It’s not controversial, it is weird though.

Why? What’s weird about not lying to your children?

OldBeyondMyYears · 15/10/2025 07:18

It’s not ‘cruel’…but it’s pretty sad to be honest!

Jk987 · 15/10/2025 07:18

What about all the images of a man in red with a white beard? Who do you say he is?

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2025 07:18

40andlovelife · 15/10/2025 06:59

Your approach is your approach. Personally I do feel you have massively missed out on the magic and your children will too. You don’t know what your kids are missing out on because you never had it. In terms of your sis in law I get where she is coming from. I have never heard of anyone take the approach you are so I get why she is shocked. You best keep up the magic for her kids and play along with the Santa magic if you are expecting her not to mention Santa to yours!

Utter rubbish!

Zapx · 15/10/2025 07:18

We never told our kids Santa was real. We did them stockings, and told them the presents had been put in by Mummy and Daddy pretending to be Santa. They found the whole thing hilarious imaging us creeping around pretending to be Santa! It was, however, extremely tricky whenever we were with the cousins on Christmas morning who were doing the whole carrot/mince pie thing. We did manage it though… just had to be careful!

At those ages I’d say SIL had maybe one more year of Santa, if that. I’d let her have it tbh and go elsewhere.

Elle771 · 15/10/2025 07:19

Its fine! Like you we never had santa made into real or not real growing up i cant remember what we did or didnt believe to be honest but always knew gifts came from the people giving them...
In laws are very much in the "santa this santa that" camp so like you im just pretty neutral. We do take him to see santa in local places and I dont really see the issue as he gets older in (like God or the tooth fairy) going down the line of "some people believe this and others believe that" i dont think he will ruin any others kids dreams with that surely?!

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2025 07:19

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/10/2025 07:02

How will you manage it when they go to school? Are they the only kids Santa doesn’t bother with? Or are you happy for them to ruin Santa for their classmates?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ShesTheAlbatross · 15/10/2025 07:19

ViaRia01 · 15/10/2025 07:14

@Sirzy yeh, that’s not really OP’s responsibility though. We have Santa in this house but if another family doesn’t believe and say something to make my child question things, then it’s up to me as their parent to handle that. Either by coming clean or by giving a slightly noncommittal explanation and quickly moving the conversation on.

OP has every right to celebrate or not celebrate Christmas as she wishes.

The reality is that some children receive a colouring book from “Santa” and others receive a PlayStation, some receive the gifts under the tree and some in the stocking, some have a chimney and some don’t. There are so many variations of the Santa experience but that can just add to the mystery and magic of Christmas.

I agree. If children were to all sit down and talk about Santa, they’d notice the massive inconsistencies. But the child who gets all presents from Santa never wonders why their parents don’t get them anything after they’ve spoken to a child who gets a stocking from Santa and other presents are just from who they’re from (which is they way we do it).

Imissgoldengrahams · 15/10/2025 07:19

I find it weird as I am a Santa lover. Everything under the tree on Christmas morning has come from Santa
(Presents from family members are minimal anyway but my children know they come from family as given on different days when we see them)
I absolutely love it, I love seeing the wonder on my children's faces.
Don't do stockings though

ClaredeBear · 15/10/2025 07:19

We had lots of Father Christmas fun but your approach seems fine to me. Your SIL though…

Soontobe60 · 15/10/2025 07:20

Greggsit · 15/10/2025 07:06

What are you going to say when they're older and come home from school asking "Why doesn't Santa come to our house?"

Why would they ask that? Presumably they’re still getting presents?

wineosaurusrex · 15/10/2025 07:20

I think you are sensible. I am the same. Going to extreme lengths to lie to your children is mental and immoral IMO