I’m worried about DS’s engagement

[Gillien]

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

Many people change when they meet a partner: they morph/adapt/grow/compromise. I don’t think any of this sounds particularly sinister, I think he sounds like a great young man! The only thing he needs to watch out for is maybe investing in another property so he has something to fall back on if the marriage fails. Good luck to them!

He's 28. IMO you need to let him make his own decisions now, even if they're not the ones you'd choose for him.

Sorry, but no good will come of you expressing doubt.

Frankly you sound very judgemental

He hasn't given up work entirely, he should keep his own savings separate and he'll have something to fall back on

It’s nothing to do with you and you risk alienating him

What would you say? I don't like your choice of future life partner? I'd imagine that will go down well.
Love you son and respect his choices. Otherwise you will become the dreaded MIL from hell...

If he's not paying for accommodation he'll have plenty of capacity to save.

It's a bit of a cliche but lots of men don't take the lead with home decor. DH couldn't give two hoots as long as he has space for his hobby stuff. So you would think our home is more to my taste, why does that matter.
I've made career decisions that didn't take me to the highest paying roles, but the work I do, does a hell of a lot for our society. I'm also now fairly senior and earn a decent salary. I'm older than your son.

Your son is probably pulling away because he can feel your judgement and dislike

To be fair, if you visited my home you wouldn't think my husband lived there, but that's because he simply doesn't care about decor - isn't interested in homeware or furnishings in the slightest. I often joke that if he lived alone, his living room would be a deck chair and a TV on a cardboard box 😂 I think the Charles Dickens portrait sounds like a great compromise!

He's an adult with an adult life that you're not 100% party to, you see the side of him that he presents to you and there be an entirely different side of him that he presents to his friends and his partner. He's a grown man and part of that if that helps gets to make grown man decisions for himself, regardless of how others think they're going to pan out.

If you say something the you risk alienating him and his partner which is going to be worse if it does all go South. Just button up, be nice, and keep the lines of communication open so that if it does work out, you're a welcome person in his life or, if it doesn't, he has someone to turn to for support.

He’s presumably living mortgage/ rent free in this flat, so will have opportunity to save/invest the money he’s saving, leaving a buffer if the marriage fails. In your shoes I’d keep my doubts to myself and welcome your new daughter in law into the family. Any other approach will probably bite you on the backside

Oh I do sympathise. I think you have to stay completely out of it, sorry!

To flip it round...

He's married someone well off and won't need to worry about paying a mortgage

He's found a job with purpose

His partner has nice colourful taste in decor

He saved up for the ring rather than get into debt

I wonder if this plays into your insecurities around wealth / feeling like you are "enough", or if you are actually genuinely worried?

Say nothing! Be supportive. If it does not work out so be it. Maybe suggest that he saves and invests his spare money.

Surely you wouldn’t expect him to acquire rights to a property his wife wined before she met him via her family?

If he’s not paying rent/mortgage he should be able to save lots of money that he will then have at his disposal if the relationship breaks down in the future. Or he could buy a flat and rent it out if he wants to invest in a property of his own?

Familiar story of mother thinking that her son’s partner isn’t good enough for her little soldier

They got a portrait of Charles Dickens in an abstract style?

Why on earth should he acquire rights to a property that he has never put a penny towards? He should be saving the mortgage/rent equivalent and investing that instead as a fallback position.
The tone of your post makes it sound like you clearly do not like her. Tread carefully.

“as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it”

Why on earth would you think he should be entitled to a property she already owned and that he contributed nothing to? What is stopping him saving what he’d otherwise spend on rent and buying his own property?

Your complaint seems to boil down to she’s solvent so he’s been able to be less ambitious for himself. Which isn’t really a legitimate thing to blame her for.

This confused me too

All of this.

YABVVVVU

Stay out of it and reflect on why this triggers you so much. This is a you problem not a him or his partner problem.

A sort of Picasso-esque post-Cubist blur with a straggly beard?

This. Good luck to his fiancé.

Absolutely this!!

She obviously has some good points otherwise your lovely son wouldn't have fallen for her. She has a flat, enjoys decorating their home, loves your boy and presumably makes him happy. Focus on the positives.