I’m worried about DS’s engagement

[Gillien]

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

Its not nice but it is absolutely accurate and in fact, very generous.

None of these sound like a problem to me

1. why on earth do you think he should have rights to her trust or property pre marriage?
2. sounds like a him decision. Your “he wouldn’t have said that before he met her” sounds pathetic
3. isn’t it normal for women to decorate? Does the colour scheme bother your son so much that he’s feeling abused but she doesn’t care… or do you just not like it? Many many men couldn’t care less! Maybe your son doesn’t mind her decorating??
4. your bothered he saved for an engagement ring? Sounds like a sensible thing to do. What’s the problem? Did you want him to steal in a grand heist instead?

Rookie error OP. You should have posted that your child was a daughter, marrying a rich man. You’d have had loads of support then, including everyone saying your child should get 50% of all the assets if they split.

They're unlikely to live in the same place for another decade, and a house that they buy together will be considered a shared martial asset, to which he will have rights if they split up.

Literally no good will come from you making your feelings clear. Try and be kinder, nicer, more supportive, enthusiastic and involved. If she doesn't like you then you behaving poorly towards her will only make it easier to drive the wedge and get rid of you. Realistically she probably controls your access to your future grandchildren, so it's best you try and get her on side.

You just don’t really like your sons fiancé do you?
I really don’t see anything wrong with any of this. He’s in a great position financially, he will be able to save lots if he isn’t paying a mortgage. Do you feel inferior to her super rich family? I really wouldn’t worry that the house decor is her style. Just be glad he’s happy.

Honestly you sound a bit grabby and it sounds like nobody is going to be good enough for your son.

She's solvent (very solvent by the sounds of it), works and is driven and intelligent and they love each other. That would be more than enough for me and most mothers.

You say she has a "domineering personality", based on her choice of home decor, which is a bit of a stretch: I'm going to guess that she drove all the decisions on home decor, not him. At the risk of being sexist, find me a 28 year old straight man who is passionate about soft furnishings... I would seriously doubt your son has been overly preoccupied with this.

As for him having rights to her property, why should he? It's in a family trust and is not a marital asset (presumably this was done deliberately to manage the risk of a cocklodger turning up and claiming it), so someone in her family was switched on here.

The principles of splitting equity in a divorce are designed to protect the weaker partner in the marriage (traditionally the woman, although not in this case). They are not designed to enable an able bodied man to chance his way into a family fortune. Her family's financial arrangements are none of your business.

No, you obviously don't like her, keep your trap shut.

Why would he need rights to a property he hasn't contributed to. I think I am more concerned about his parenting than anything you have mentioned about his relationship.

They exist. Look them up (I just did.) There's a whole set of them from an artist represented by Saatchi gallery.

So if he arrived with nothing left with nothing he’s hardly been ripped off

Just looked it up. It’s not abstract but I don’t think the OP knows what abstract means. I think she just means not entirely figurative. Anyway his girlfriend probably bought it for him as a gift knowing he loves Dickens.

I think what you’re really scared of, OP, is your son “transcending” his class background and adopting different values to yours. That means relinquishing control and accepting he is an individual in his own right.

I think you need therapy to work out these feelings. Do not impose them on your son or his poor girlfriend.

Frankly unless you start seeing any abuse signs, you’re being intrusive. All that you have pointed out is none of your business, really.

Most men don’t really mind décor decisions. DP and I have very different tastes and while I ask for his opinion, I have the final word otherwise I’d be living in a shrine to Liverpool FC and a grey and teal colour scheme.

All theoretical for me at the moment but I have always felt that I would be very worried if my son married into a family where the balance of power and money were so unequal and that he was the poorer one . It is easy for men in that position to be cast out without much security if things go wrong while the wealthy wife keeps the home that was always hers and is supported by family money . He could spend his youth and love and energy building a life that was never going to be his if the marriage failed . Also it would be very easy for him to feel pressure to spend his salary on keeping up with the wealthy side of the family rather than living more frugally and trying to save for himself .
It is completely different from trying to build a life together where everything is shared . He has to fit in with their values .
Also the relatively few wealthy people I have seen seem to be very organised about keeping their wealth in the family .

It is sexist but I hope it would be harder for a mother to be made homeless with her children if she had married a wealthier man with family money

His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality

The fact that you think your adult son, in his late 20s, is incapable of making independent career choices about what sector he works in suggests to me that there is only one person with a domineering personality here, and that’s you.

He’s not 15. His finances, the decor in his flat and how much he spent on a ring are none of your business. You have zero evidence that his fiancée is in any way bad for him and none of the rest of it is for you poke your nose into. Yes, one day they might divorce. So what? Millions of people do. The sky doesn’t fall in.

He clearly doesn’t want for himself the things you wanted for him, and you need to accept that. Good on him for ditching the private sector if that’s what makes him happy. It’s not up to you. You’re talking about him as if he’s still a sixth former.

Great points @Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself.

As @DingDongJingle, without the expense of a mortgage or rent, he’ll have money to save and invest so he could end up doing very well financially if the relationship doesn’t work out.

Re. His career choices. Working in the non-profit sector is v. fulfilling for many people and quite frankly, he’ll be more able to afford to now he’s not paying for housing.

You just know if he was with someone who earned less, OP would say she was a gold digger

I think he has got a great deal here. He is saving cash by not paying a mortgage so can afford to do more fulfilling work. Sounds like she took the lead on the decor - most men don’t care too much about interior design. When I think of all the 80s homes in Laura Ashley florals that my family had I don’t think my uncles or dad were too upset not to have a say in the decor.
i would always advise my child of either gender to have an ‘escape’/emergency savings pot though, he’ll have an easy time saving one up. And plenty for leisure and holidays and enjoying life.

Oh, dear - the nasty, domineering lady is forcing Mother’s darling to live with her colour scheme. 🙄 Your son’s fiancée has probably picked up on how much you don’t like her, and would rather not spend time around someone who’s constantly judging and thinking the worst of her. Have some respect for your son as an adult man who’s mature and intelligent enough to make his own decisions.

I think the key question is whether he's being asked to contribute to the property or not? Obviously I mean over and above his share of the bills. If he's being asked to pay a hefty rent then that's a concern. He won't be able to save for a property of his own and he won't have any rights. Presumably he can be kicked out with no notice. In that case, he might be being taken advantage of financially and it would be a good idea to chat about the possible financial risks compared to what he wants for the future. If he's not paying rent or a very minimal rent then he's struck gold. He and his partner would ideally be saving the money that's been freed up. He could look at purchasing a small home to rent out either in his name alone or with his partner. This would offer important financial security.

The ring is EXPENSIVE. I think it's a waste of money and I could only picture my Mum's face if I said that we'd spent that kind of money on it! I could understand though that if he's getting free rent then he might have been saving the additional money and wanted to get her something special given that her family are essentially footing the rent / mortgage bill. There's nothing that you can do if he values the ring enough to spend that money on it. I think it's a crazy choice but plenty of people would agree with him.

This property has nothing to do with him- perhaps his partners parents are wise enough to protect their daughter in case he brings a looser home. As a man he should be the one with a property and invite his woman to go live with him.

You can't seriously think he should have a claim on her flat he didnt contribute to should they end up divorced (they aren't even married yet!!). He will be saving lots not having to pay rent/mortgage, he can save and invest in his own property and rent it out, if they did break up he has his own investment there to fall back on.

I can't see any issues with anything else you mention, he's 28 and is engaged he's going to change, we all do to some extent when we get serious with someone and settle down, serious relationships involve compromise. My husband has no interest in house colour schemes, soft furnishings or decor, it is all my choice because he just isn't bothered what it looks like.

Your son is happy so try to be happy for him, if they find out you are saying stuff like this it will damage your relationship with them, my mil did the same, our relationship never recovered.

Yeah. What a reverse snob. I'm laughing at the Dickens painting...😂

It honestly sounds to me that your son has really landed on his feet. You should be happy for him.

DS is dating the DD of a multi millionaire and it’s getting serious, lovely girl and you would have no clue.

When it comes to the property you need to look at it that he gets somewhere free to live. They get married all assets are at that point joint just not the housing. It should really help them financially.

6k for a ring is not the most expensive. When my ring was bought 30 years ago it cost about 700. It was from Ernest Jones, still selling a ring just like it and it’s almost 4k now.