I’m worried about DS’s engagement

[Gillien]

I have twin sons who are 28, one of them recently got engaged, which I know sounds wonderful but I have some real reservations.

1. Financially he and his partner aren’t in equal footing, she’s from a well to do family( owns a city centre property etc. I asked DH if he had any rights in the case they marry and divorce and he said no as the property is held in a trust.
2. Since they started dating DS has totally given up on his career ambitions. He was doing really well in the private sector until they moved in together, then he moved to an NGO, he claimed morally he didn’t feel at home in the private sector, not anything he would have said before meeting her
3. His partner clearly has quite a domineering personality, we recently visited their flat which they moved into, together at the same time (admittedly funded by her family) it’s all her taste in decor, pinks, corals, oranges, turquoise. None of this is what my DS would have chosen and even his “contributions” he pointed out are clearly in her style, such as he loves Charles Dickens but the portrait they got of him is very abstract and in her colour scheme. It didn’t feel like visiting my sons home
4. He spent over £6000 on the engagement ring, when I asked how on earth he afforded it he told me he just saved for it

Im terrified that they will get married, divorce in 10 years and as he has no rights to the property be 38 and have nothing to show for it. His brother who he used to be really close to has also noticed that he has pulled away and said he gets the feeling that his partner doesn’t like our family very much.

AIBU to be worried? Should I say something?

Also wanting to know more about the abstract Charles Dickens portrait

They will be married, so he won’t walk away with nothing if they divorce. Otherwise, you’re best keeping put of his affairs, and just smile. I mean, she’s not a murderer, or a big criminal from what you’ve said.

Maybe something like this?

Support your ds publicly.
Worry privately and hope for the best.

Sorry, at his age nothing you can do. Smile on your face, congratulate them and just be there if ever needs his mum in the future.

You're worried that your son can enjoy free housing while amassing savings and properties of his own, saved up for jewellery rather than taking out loans, chose an ethical career, and is not interested in interior design?

Not sure I understand. Can you explain your worries a bit more?

Been there unfortunately. All you can do is stand by, keep lines of communication open, and be ready to pick up the pieces!

It all sounds very familiar even down to the finances and property. My ds did marry (I kept my mouth shut), and 18 months later she had an affair, I was sad for him but also bloody relieved when she ran off with lover boy! Ds was devastated, but we were there to support him. He picked himself up and fought his corner in the divorce (did get some money). 5 years later he’s bought a house, got a big promotion at work and met a really lovely girl.

I imagine if you are worried her parents have possibly more to be worried about. Future SIL no property, downgraded job earning, moved into family property… doesn’t sound so great.

How about you support your son and encourage him to work towards property/job etc AND be a lovely MIL to your future DIL.

As parents we tend to still think of our adult children as children, but they aren't, their tastes, and dreams and personalities change over time, and we become the secondary people in their lives, after their partners so we aren't as involved.

This is the natural order of things, and our job is to stand back and be supportive, not to talk behind their back because they have changed.

Instead of seeing these changes as negatives, try and get to know her and her family a bit better.

Even if she is absolutely awful it's easier to catch flies with honey.

Can we see a picture of the portrait of Charles Dickens?

She’s a wrongun and no mistake. What with the drugs and the prostitution and all.

You were relieved she ran off on your son because she owned a home and had unique decor?

there is nothing alarming about this young woman. Her future mil on the other hand…

I’m so sad the laughing reaction is gone!!

😂😂😂

She's rich. Good

Who decides in the decor and furniture in your house OP?

There's nothing concerning about what you've written.

I saw a good friends family fall apart because she didn't think her ds's wife was good enough. It was the other way where he had a very good job and property and the mother worried the wife was sponging off him and would divorce him and take everything he'd worked for.
Ater years of issues, the DS took his wife's side and he no longer speaks to his mother. It also ultimately caused the break down of my friend and her husbands marriage.
Please OP just be pleased for your son and try your best to accept and celebrate his new life with him, it's the choice he's made and he needs his mum to support him otherwise you'll push yourself out! We can't live our children's lives for them, just be there to support them.

I get what you're saying, OP.
You had me at NGO
She's obviously a privileged young woman complete with luxury politics and it's rubbed off on your son. Not the worst thing in the world except that he's aligned his job with these new ethics.
He would be better off in many ways in his previous employment but he'll probably have to learn that the hard way.
Obviously you have to smile and pretend all is well.
I'm not sure that saying anything would work out well for you.
Time is probably your greatest ally- as is his brother.
I bet that as reality sets in he'll want to be close to you two again.
And maybe it all works out well. I'm a very different person now than I was at 28- I was pretty self-involved. Hopefully your son will become more assertive and his fiancee a little less dominating.

No, don't say anything. He's an adult and can make his own decisions. His safety is not being compromised. You have already overstepped with all your talk of divorce and asking how he afforded an engagement ring.

Perhaps his fiancé doesn't like you. Probably she can sense how you feel about her. Either you welcome her or you will find you are distant from both of them.

I think realistically there isn't much you can say or do. I can see your reservation. I wouldn't be happy if my son quit for lower wages but being lower earner in the relationship unless he was happy to stay out home and look after children.

Oh loosen the bloody apron strings.

My house was decorated entirely by me because my husband couldn't give a fuck what colour throw cushions we have. I'm also the breadwinner and I probably am the more "domineering" of the two of us as you so tactfully put it. Doesn't mean we don't adore eachother and have a very equal and happy marriage.

Wonder how bothered you'd be if you had a daughter off to marry a wealthy man from a well off family.

I wouldnt be feeling happy about it either.

My son got engaged (with a ring he couldnt afford). She was ahead of him financially. Her mother especially looked down her nose at us, I was particularly disapproved of as I look quite alternative. Although the comment that sealed my fate was when she asked about whether I paid rent or mortgage (how rude!!) and I breezily said that it was neither as I had paid off the house "years ago" (total lie, didnt pay it off for another 4 at that point but she had pissed me off!) . I had the temerity to not only be "common" in her eyes but also in a better financial position haha!

But I said nothing. I said nothing when my sons personality did a 180 and he became such an insufferable snob it was almost impossible to spend any time with him. I said nothing when he started dressing in a way that the fiance approved of instead of what he liked. I said nothing when he gave up all his hobbies and friends. I said nothing when he started spending almost no time with his family especially his grandad who he did (and does) adore and is very close to.

I said nothing when the snobby little bitch got her head turned by the much richer air headed son of her dad's boss and bogged off with him. I said quite a lot when she refused to return the ring but no one is perfect.

Point is, if it isnt meant to be then the less you say, the quicker it is likely to happen as he will be open to see the faults rather than doubling down on his decision and refusing to do anything but defend her.

FF a few years, she is married to air head and he is not now high up in the dads company as he is too thick and lazy to cope with any real responsibility. She looks as miserable as sin when I see her. Love living in a small town, everyone knows every one else!!

He could buy his own property or invest. Its much easier to untangle from a relationship if you arent both on a mortgage, to be honest, as someone whose done it. She'd be insane to put him on the mortgage unless he has funds to buy out half of the property!

1. Not everyone is into decor. I’m not. At all. I do hope that when my parents visit my home, they’re not “concerned” that my DH is trampling all over my decor dreams.
2. £6k is not a lot for a ring. Mine was over £5k over 20 years ago, when average salaries were smaller than they are today. How do you know the cost? Is your nose where it doesn’t belong?

“Snobby little bitch”? That’s nice